mask for mask

i dont know if it's just a little phase im going through right now or if im just now seeing and realizing how people are and how life tends to be approached..by me and everyone else.
there tends to be talk of how everyone hids behind a mask- some have three they rotate through out his or her entire life, some have one for everday. i have a mask for every PERSON in my life. with some people i can use the the same mask, but more often then not, i have to switch em out.
question: am i fake?
answer: yes and no.
i should be able to be myself (through Christ) no matter what the audience. hasnt really worked out that way- ever. i always filter what i am rreally thinking or what i really want to say. sometimes thats good though because i would regret DEEPLY the next day what i said. however, its harmful in so many ways. i hold in what some need to hear, but dont want to hear...ya know.
soooooo how do i get rid of 21 years of masks and just let people see my face; the face God gave me and could shine so much Jesus?
I DONT FRIGGIN KNOW !
if anyone does lemme know...PLEASE. thanks.

I-YI-YI....

holy crap its been almost 2 months, but i have a vaild excuse..i moved into a house with no internet or cable at the end of august. so much has happened in those two months. okay well i moved to south bend into an AWESOME house with 5 other girls! whew it's crazy and i love it. our house is sooo nice and huge. my roommates are phenomenal. they are so encouraging and fun! bout 4 weeks ago i basically put in a 2 weeks notice and the week after my notice i was sent home...so i didnt get the full 2 weeks but i have had 3 weeks of absolutely nothing to do. while it has its advantages and im soaking up every moment, having no money is soaking up my ability to do anything that i have to pay for ahah...yeah no pay check sucks. BUT BUT BUT i do have a job as of wednesday at express. its only temp. i have another job in the end zone im just waiting for them to find space. GOOD news is express will occupy my time while they get everything figured out. hmmmm what else...OH YEAH i suck at being good. i went to mexico 2 months ago and i have screwed up so many times already. its pretty discouraging really. having a sticking with doing the right thing once i pick up where i left off. i have let the past beat me down a lot. i am so weak when it comes to accpetance, oh and boys. its amazes me...me i mean i never cease to amaze myself. i have "really really really really sincerely liked" about 290420 boys since august and managed to not rely on God with my struggles. its pretty impressive how well i fink things up.
i will take this space up to write bout something good. colbie caillat and onerepublic make me very very vey very happy as well as saving jane's song grace, shane & shane's beg, switchfoot's on fire, and a couple more that have temporarily cancelled out the negative.
i really wish i had my notes with me i would just type about all the stuff i have written about in my journal and stuuuuuuuff. this isnt much of a blog. sorry if anyone reads my blog.
speaking of reading my blog hmmmm kristin my bff anf sister.in.law and the only person who reads my blog (hi kristin love you) (( i did that because she is prolly reading right now)) but anyway she is on a little road trip with some cool peeps fromm GCC. i miss her. moving out is great i can stay up however late i want, be immature but man i miss her. she is so wise and lving. you hear me kristin...youre wise and loyal and encouraging. you know what i found/learned?... encourage means to walk along side which is what you/ kristin do with me and my family and yours....you walk along side us rooting us on to do the right thing letting us know we are very well capable and can do the right thing. thanks
so with kristin being gone i am playing mom with lauren and i gotta say i dont think ill be a good mom but man that little girl is PRECIOUS. yeah she is my niece but seriously she's pretty darn special.
ohhh its friggin 5:53 a.m. if my brother cody was down here in their basement he would shart a brick ad be so mad at me for being on here hahaahh i love him yelling and all.but i think in honor of him ill call it a night a pass the frik out for a lil...

i will catch this blog up very very very soon.

LIONS (and tigers and bears) OH MY!

New Communtiy with Mark Batterson


let me just say this, if i could attend meetings such as (brad voice) Uh oh i don't know, the LEADERSHIP SUMMIT (regular voice) prior to EVERY service at GCC...wheeeeew Lordy...

- sometimes the hindsight bias blinds our vision with Bible stories.

2 Samuel 23:20-23
- so this guy, Benaiah, killed two lions(cubs) and then placed himself into a pit to again kill a lion.

*T.I.M.E.O.U.T*
- WILLINGLY put his body sober into a pit to fight and slaughter a LION...like MUFASA! THEN OH THEN HE CAME OUT ALIVE WITH THE LION DEAD. WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE? no guns, bombs to throw in the pit...what would that look like?

-more thoughts:
- ever think you're okay as long as you don't do what's wrong...while neglecting the whole DOING WHAT'S RIGHT?

-Rather than playing defense, we are called to play offense.
(this game plan brings me back to when Corey Mann --LUUUUUURVE HIM-- spoke one @ GCC about being in the garage sale where Jesus purchased us ALL in exchange for His life...then we become His action figures)

-The enemy wants me on defense and will use two emotions, strong emotions at that, to derail me:
1. GUILT = focusing on past drains me, resulting in focus pointed toward the unchangeable rather than the FUTURE HE HAS HAD PLANNED FOR ME ALL THE ALONG...i'll use all my energy by investing my time and thoughts in the old me and i wont have any left to invest in my preparation to examplify His GLORY, GRACE, and LOVE.
2. FEAR = failing again. hesitating to do what God stirs up inside, in your spirit, because you fear...fear your past and how much you SUCK.

-CONDITION REFLEXES
-Good Kind = our spirit when sinning
-Bad Kind - fear of constant failure...calls for reconditioning

LUKE 22:54-62
-Peter denied Jesus 3 times when the rooster crowed
-the bad condition reflex (brc) = do you think Peter experienced bcr whenever he heard a rooster crow?

-Jesus recondtioned Peter's G u i l t with and his F e a r with
r a
a i
c t
e h

Reconditioned:Guilt = Grace
Fear = Faith

-It is the fear we overcome that becomes outr greatest experience
-thought: can you imagine the bed time stories in Bible times?
-question: are you living a life that is worth telling stories about?
-

*Challenge: find lion. kill lion.

-when we lack guts, we rob God, the author of our faith, His Glory

i see skies of blue, clouds of white...

many many many many thoughts, and memories consumed my yesterday, as well as family i havent seen in years or havent seen EVER.

yesterday early morning, my brother and i drove back to our lovely home, frankfort, for our grandma's funeral (our last gparent, mom's mom). wednesday, my brother cody calls telling me mom came home from work about 3:30 and walked in on grandma lying flat on the kitchen floor with head bleeding and not breathing. come to find out, she experienced a brain hemmorage, fell back, hit her head (hence the bleeding) and we think we lost her at home. also she had probably been lying there for approximately 3 hours. i was not that close to my grandmother, but i loved the poo outta that crazy old woman.

it was my mom that just literallly broke me. i mean she is 60 and...walk in from her 12 hour shift at Frito-Lay to that...:-(
her voice on the phone...she has always been strong for EVERYONE, never showing her fears or insecurities. first her dad dies, then she loses her husband, now her mother. i mean granted there are far worse things that one could go through and has already...but its my mom....i love her...if i walked in on my mother just lying there bleeding...but the thing is, i have not.

when cody and i were driving back home i had a little, shall i say movie moment flash back of when cody and i were driving to go see dad in the hospital right before he died. my brother and i...man we fight like crazy, but he has been there for so much. even saying that line "been there for so much" doesnt come close to explaining how vital he has been in my life. he has been my big,strong, and strapping popular football star brother; my teacher; my best friend; my creative and talented media brother; my dad; my hero; my enemy; my blessing.
YUP, ALL IN ONE! he is pretty cool i must say. so i love him. a lot actually. at the end of the night after all is screamed and done...i wouldnt have it any other way. PLUS i mean kristin elizabeth ponce fell in love with him, so he had to be doin' something right ;-)

another thought i had revolved around the song they played at granny's funeral - louis armstrong, what a wonderful world...
i guess it was granny's favorite song, which was really cool b/c my dad and brothers all love louis. the pastor, God Bless his heart, he read EVERYTHING...EVEN THE "ACCEPTING JESUS PRAYER". ya know the ones you repeat after..YEAH...I LOVE GCC.

bringing me to my next reflection...how much God has done for me through Granger Community Church (and Cody and Kristin for opening up their home rent free). MERGE, LIFELINE: CAMP ADVENTURE, MOVE, MEXICO, CAMP ADVENTURE...THE PEOPLE...COREY MANN (HIS ENTIRE FAMILY), JOHNNY AND ANGELA KEIM!, DC AND BROOKE, TED BRYANT AND FAMILY, MARK AND SHEILA BEESON...I MEAN COME ON! My job here, AND THE KIDS i meet because of the opportunities LIFELINE offers and create and MAKE HAPPEN...AND ALL US YOUNG BUCKS from MERGE...its spectacular.

I love GOD. I LOVE WHAT HE IS SETTING IN FRONT OF ME DAILY...i might not act like it i may even HATE it in the moment, but i know GOD will never let me take on anything i couldnt handle.

...and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.

batman's robin...the ego we don't acknowledge as "ego"

i did watch the cartoon batman when i was younger often...this is true, but that's it. i don't even know the whole story i do know this...rich man with butler develops a large obsession with bats, so larrge that he dresses as one and goes about Gotham City saving it from its nasty and evil peguins, clowns, and mayors.

it goes without saying he was a hunk, but i also had a little thing for robin. i think it was because he wasn't heard of much ...and he was younger, closer to my age ;-). i kinda looked at him as batman's annoying little brother that also had an obsession with a winged creature (hence the name robin), so batty decided to take lil rob in for personal benefit.

i wonder now how much crap robin dealt with...or more so didnt deal with. i mean he was kinda like batman's slave. it seems its like that with most sidekicks....

sidekick...the title/position just does not sound like fun, let alone the actual motion (get it, a kick to the side...yeah i kinda regret typing it now, but not enough to hit backspace 294790374 times)

anywho, i bet robin or any other character in the shadow of guys like batman regularly experienced some bitterness and anger which could have developed into quite the ego, but they probably didnt recognize it as an ego. think about it, batman takes on joker while robins at him delivering papers or whatnot because he has his own responsibilities or just watches batty simply because it's too dangerous. OR there was one episode i remember where, i kid you not robin just stood there while batman was fighting some mugger in an alley. even if the poor kid wanted more than anything to jump in and save a life, batty was too busy usin' his muscles.

lets say a reporter got an interview with both rob and bat...all that being talked about is batman and his courageous heart with his witty moves and sexy backhand springs which requires his 8 pack...anyway and robin sits there thinking "what about the time i went back to the cove and GOT the weapons BATMAN NEEDED because he forgot them...or the time he had to fight lex's gang of 10 and then i showed up- HE NEEDED ME"....and then the reporter says "hey rob! if i didnt know any better i'd say you have an ego!" robin would probably give batman the look/signal to kick his arse simply because 1. he takes pride in knowing and serving along side batman; 2. who wants to admit they have an ego!!!; and 3. he just wants people to know he can do things on his own and that he isnt some young irresponsible kid.

hah oh my mind and thoughts are ridiculous i KNOW but think about it: how many times have we been like HEY GOD, I CAN HANDLE IT...dont worry about me go save other people more threatening and worse off than me...i'm oka,y really. WATCH!IN FACT HERE I GO WITHOUT YOUR BLESSING OR WITHOUT SEARCHING FOR AN OK...and then BAM we got ourselves an ego and didnt even know it.

i want to be robin to God. i want to serve next to Him and feel like i am and trust i take pride in our GOD, but sometimes i forget that i cant handle ANYTHING ON MY OWN. NOTHING..it's all God. He gets me through it all. i am young and i am irresponsible, but i can DO things and do them well, BUT BUT BUT ONLY BECAUSE I SEEK, LOVE, AND TRUST IN GOD.




sidenote: camp adventure week 2 is exactly a week from today! and i have MUCH to blog about concerning the last 2 weeks of my life (CAMP ADVENTURE WEEK ONE and MOVE 07)

CAMP ADVENTURE d.a.y.o.n.e

Mark Beeson ALL WEEK EVERYDAY. wow....i cant believe it. I KNOW he is NOT God, but man is it sacreligious to say that i DO think that God would have named His second son R Mark Beeson?


First night Papa Beeson spoke with all of us councelors before the kids came and shared some scripture:

Phillipians 4.4-7
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Romans 7:15,21
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.


Basically, we are serving the kids and helping them take steps toward Jesus...Satan HATES THIS MUCHO...so we have to be aware that he comes to kill stealand destroy therefore we must contunue to revel in God, fully investing out energy into praises rather than worry. Also to make us aware of the opportunity to do what we know NOT to do aka sin....

sidenote: i cant wait to meet my campers! my first week ever as coucelor and at thiis camp....I am SOO FLIPPIN PUMPED..i cant imagine what God has in store for me this week:-D

my rocky theme music

if i had my own eye of the tiger theme song like rocky as i warm up for Camp and Move, then MEXICO...i believe my lyrics would read the following:


I love you, God— you make me strong.
God is bedrock under my feet,
the castle in which I live,
my rescuing knight.
My God—the high crag
where I run for dear life,
hiding behind the boulders,
safe in the granite hideout.
I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty,
and find myself safe and saved. (psalm 18.1-3)

Show me how you work, God;
School me in your ways.
Take me by the hand;
Lead me down the path of truth.
You are my Savior, aren't you? (psalm 25.4-5)

Examine me, God, from head to foot,
order your battery of tests.
Make sure I'm fit
inside and out
So I never lose
sight of your love,
But keep in step with you,
never missing a beat. (psalm 26.2-3)

**God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I came back to Him,
He gave me a fresh start. **
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
**God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes**. (psalm 18.20-24)


I have decided I'm hopelessly devoted to God (Grease)

trial and torture...His strength come through weakness

"Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God."
-2Corinthians 4:1-2

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me:
'My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.'
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
-2Corinthians 12:7-10

i was looking for something...

Matthew 18

2-5For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom..
6Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse...


John 17

Jesus' Prayer for His Followers

1-5 Jesus said these things. Then, raising his eyes in prayer, he said:
Father, it's time.
Display the bright splendor of your Son
So the Son in turn may show your bright splendor.
You put him in charge of everything human
So he might give real and eternal life to all in his charge.
And this is the real and eternal life:
That they know you,
The one and only true God,
And Jesus Christ, whom you sent.
I glorified you on earth
By completing down to the last detail
What you assigned me to do.
And now, Father, glorify me with your very own splendor,
The very splendor I had in your presence
Before there was a world.
10-12Holy Father, guard them as they pursue this life
That you conferred as a gift through me,
So they can be one heart and mind
As we are one heart and mind.
As long as I was with them, I guarded them
In the pursuit of the life you gave through me;
13-19Now I'm returning to you.
I'm saying these things in the world's hearing
So my people can experience
My joy completed in them.
I gave them your word;
The godless world hated them because of it,
Because they didn't join the world's ways,
Just as I didn't join the world's ways.
I'm not asking that you take them out of the world
But that you guard them from the Evil One.
They are no more defined by the world
Than I am defined by the world.
Make them holy—consecrated—with the truth;
Your word is consecrating truth.
In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world,
I give them a mission in the world.
I'm consecrating myself for their sakes
So they'll be truth-consecrated in their mission.
20-23I'm praying not only for them
But also for those who will believe in me
Because of them and their witness about me.
The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind—
Just as you, Father, are in me and I in you,
So they might be one heart and mind with us.
Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me.
The same glory you gave me, I gave them,
So they'll be as unified and together as we are—
I in them and you in me.
Then they'll be mature in this oneness,
And give the godless world evidence
That you've sent me and loved them
In the same way you've loved me.
24-26Father, I want those you gave me
To be with me, right where I am,
So they can see my glory, the splendor you gave me,
Having loved me
Long before there ever was a world.
Righteous Father, the world has never known you,
But I have known you, and these disciples know
That you sent me on this mission.
I have made your very being known to them—
Who you are and what you do—
And continue to make it known,
So that your love for me
Might be in them
Exactly as I am in them.

dream, expectation, advice

so tonight at the meeting we all sat in a circle and expressed our personal dreams, expectations, and advise...


My DREAM
-everyone involved comes back 360 turn around for the better, and continues to put just as much energy into things and people @ home; personal with God

-the kids feel love more and more with each face they see

-no one wants to stop working

-no one left out

My EXPECTATION
-relationships grow

-above and possibly beyond all expectations

-to step up as a leader and friend

-make srong foundations for those kids and their families

-God will stretch me

My ADVISE
-fall IN LOVE with GOD and JESUS

-want to do what God wants, not what I want

-dertermination

-WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN

-pray for emotional strength and negativity