`frayed

i'm still trying too hard for approval. i know God will get me through this obsession for approval but man this is ridiculous. i don't want to feel this way and He knows i don't.

i was on facebook, i think i should just not get on it anymore. when old friends pop up out of nowhere and leave messages or postings of things i did or use to do...i don't know how to take it.
i have this battle...initial thoughts are: GOD PLEASE DON'T LET GCC PEOPLE SEE THIS!!! i am so afraid they see things and it hurts my "status" of working towards getting their approval.
THEN i think that's not me now, but then it was frikin' fun...then it turns into i miss those days.
NO I DON'T! i don't miss feeling worthless EVERYDAY. my friends were there to hug me when i cried or lend a Kleenex to my tear...some words of encouragement or advice, but that's not what we should have been doing. i should have just gotten over it and moved on.
i STILL should just be getting over it and moving on.

but that kid still pops in my head. at least everyday...he for some reasons hates me, he acts like i'm the most annoying thing, i bet he hasn't thought of me since we last talked. why should i care? in my heart i KNOW he isn't the one for me. shoot i just know we weren't soul mates...naturally. it would have basically taken God to really intervene in both of our lives. this is NOT to be confused with WANTING to change each other for the better. which is what we did.

its been like 4 months since i left and he completely cut me out of his life. we have communicated once and it made me hate him...and miss him terribly. there are so many things about him i didn't like, but at the end of the night i went to bed thinking there is something different about him. he wasn't tommy thats for sure but it was deeper than that. he cared about me and he wanted to make me happy. OF COURSE HE DID...EVERYONE says that, right? the difference between most girls saying that and me saying that is he SHOWED me. his actions let me know he cared about me. as much as i liked him..i cant lie i loved him. not IN LOVE but the closest ill be to love for awhile...let's say care - as much as i cared about him i can't keep denying the inevitable; his heart and my heart were pointing in different directions. we were living the same lives, sharing the same life, goals, morals, desires, music interests, romantic ideas...but not God. Not enough of God to keep us together and sincerely enjoy our relationship the way it could have potentially been.

notice that entire paragraph is in past tense. i think what i miss most is just sharing the still quiet moments in life with someone who frikin CARED! ya know, just lying there and making the world stop for just a moment; by holding each other or touching my hand to let me know he is with me and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i want that back in my life, but if i keep focusing ALL my attention and energy on God, there is NO DOUBT in my mind body spirit soul!!! ahah that He will provide that for me times 10!

i'll feel those feelings but with someone who loves God and His will, THEN me. then we will share the same heart which is so much better than sharing a lifestyle not pursuing God.

WEEEEEEEELL this blog was initially suppose to be about my struggle with the past trying to tell me i don't matter, but you see i took another direction.

it was good to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head, help to again remember that God has my life. WHO BETTER TO HAVE IT THAN HIM!?!? :-D