battle.

oh this is too much. this is big. too big for me. i'm losing so much so fast. i had everything. the knowledge, support, love, acceptance...but the really cool part was i was finally getting it.

money, social acceptance, guys... i can't believe they have had me bound for so long. i feel like im in prison, but centuries ago. i'm in chains half- clothed, cold, hungry for anything, and beaten, almost to death. i wonder if i stay in bed maybe i can escape another beating. stepping outside of me, my situation could be worse, it always can be worse, its just getting myself out of the mind set that i can't endure anymore of it.

even typing it hits me as utter foolishness to think this is something i'll defeat in the end. i'm seeing i'm incredibly reliable and consistent in being INconsistent.

we're doing this series in oasis and lifeline called SHIVERNAKERVOMITJAILSTARVE. this series is literally throwing me into a brickwall. i'm hurtin'- man am i feeling it.

i'm not seeing tomorrow as a new day. tomorrow is just another day to make more mistakes, to hear of more injustice...an opportunity to sin. how promising does tomorrow sound? look? feel?

this is even too big for God...satan has been whispering that to me nonstop. go ahead, judge me for even playing with that very though but just think- there has been a time where you all have gone through crap and didnt give it to Him....isnt that like saying God cant handle it? what bout the times you have thought this isnt that big of a deal i can handle it. OH REALLY? haha okay....sure. lemme know how that worked out for you.

i'm on edge with everything. i'm not patient with anyone right now. i'm purposely setting myself aside from people that could possibly help me. when i'm not doing that, i'm swimming in my bitterness convincing myself how i will never befriend the "holier than thou" crowd and how much i can't stand to be under the same roof as them. before all this, i didnt even think of anyone as portraying to me that they were better christians than me....so what's so different now? i can tell you it's not them.
IT'S ME. i have changed.

i know this battle is no where near to its end. there is always more to come. i just dont know how to fight anymore. not right now. i dont know how to get up from the wounds. obviously they havent killed me, but its almost as if i dont want to get up because i feel like if i get up there will only be more...more that i can't handle.

there is this song by colbie caillat called battle. this mught sound weird but its like a song to myself and maybe what God thinks sometimes maybe...i dont know about the God part but i do know its something i would tell myself right now.
cue the lyrics:

you thought we'd be fine
all these years gone by
now your askin me to listen
well then tell me bout everything
no lies we're loosin time

cause this is a battle
and its your final last call
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
this can be better, you used to be happy, try...

you've got them on your side
and they wont change their minds
now its over
and i'm feelin like i've missed out on everything
i just hope its worth the fight

cause this is a battle
and its your final last call - why'd you have to let it go?
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know - can't you see you hurt me so?
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
things could be better, you can be happy, try...


i can't wrap around my simple human brain how much i'm hurting God. when it comes down to it...that's the WHY. why i'm not happy, miserable, failing- its because i can't be good for one day. i disappoint God every hour....on the other hand, the battle wouldn't be there if i wasn't trying though, right? is it safe to say that? wise to say that? there is a battle BECAUSE i actually do really love this God and i WANT, my heart DESIRE is to please Him and live for Him...to do what's right.

but if that's the reason and that's my heart...why am i losing the battle?