blame

i want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell you the reason why i'm where i'm at right now is because of you. i want you all to see me when no one is looking- see my face, hear MY thoughts, watch me cry almost every night. i want to put the blame on every one.

i want to rage. throw a fit. i feel like everyone else gets to just freak out when they want, so hey! why can't i???

yeah, ask me "how are you, sarah?" like you really want to know. if i vomited HALF of HALF of what i'm even thinking.... i'm so freaking bogged down from pure crap i can't tell what is really going on. my sense of reality has been shot.

and what happened to REAL communication and- i don't know- uh, saying what YOU"RE REALLY THINKING. just because God wants us to have patience and show kindness DOES NOT MEAN you tell me what you think i want to hear because i guarantee it's NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

the REAL people in my life, bless their hearts, keep telling me what i did was right.

i love you all, but ARE YOU SERIOUS...look at what has happened!?! how can that be right? NOTHING good has come from it.

last sunday night, i walked into the place i moved here FOR and felt completely, COMPLETELY UNWANTED. hmmmm. the ONE place that made sense is unwelcoming to me now?? how did that happen? what difference did i make? what kind of impact did i put in your life? wow- you don't even notice i'm gone. at times i think i'm imagining it. like it's just my own guilt skewing my thoughts, but then i see you all in your little clicks, like high school all over again- laughing, telling stories, going on with your happy little blessed lives. oh i'm sure you have bad days, but i mean come on look at your nice clothes, fancy cars, the pleasure of having ANY money. i can't help but wonder...must be nice to have your life under control.

so yeah i'm jealous. i'm ticked. i'm mad that this always happens. i start to make progress and then i GO BACK. i keep going back. "back" is hard to explain what it is exactly but i can tell you this....when i go back i run far far far far away from God and his people, willingly. AND it never fails, it's all because of ONE tragedy, be it big or small, but i convince myself i can't handle and that i was stupid to think i deserved all the GOOD without bad and then i wind up HERE. where i am now.

then i have days like this...where i hate myself so much that it's easier to blame you all. that way, i get this little break from me. because who i am right now is nothing but ugliness- pure bitterness, guilt, and hurt feelings. my friends keep saying im praying for you, and they are. i know they are. and i kind of believe they care as much as they say they do, but how do i tell them that they are wasting their time and energy. that i DON'T know how to respond to their kindness.?!?!? how do i tell them they are better off leaving me alone until i move out this apartment and KNOW i'm not hated by a family i sincerely miss and care about???

i'm not going to change. not for awhile. it's too hard right now. i've walked too far away this time. when i've had the opportunities like camp TWICE, MOVE07 AND MEXICO where my feet where washed, and then being BAPTIZED in september, let alone anything that dealt with GCC and i STILL choose to walk away from God...you might as well chalk me up as a lost cause. i don't understand why would even care to TRY with someone like me.

i could go rant and rave for hours, but i'm already feeling kind of guilty for writing what i did...but i just want someone to read this and know i am aware of what you see or think of me on the outside looking in, but you have no idea so maybe reading this, you'll just see i'm bitter and need prayer. however, any reader takes this please know i do know i am to blame. no one else but me.