I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y

yes yes i know! im blogging! its only been 3 and a half months...only ;-) BUT im doing it now.

i had to take a step back from Lifeline and Oasis for a little bit in January...still not for sure when im coming back, but I AM COMING BACK! i did get the chance to stop in two weeks ago. i missed the kids, the volunteer leaders, and the staff! so i decided to go. it was a great decision. that night ted bryant was speeaking. im sure i wasnt the only one but i do know his message was PERFECT for me. he talekd about our idividual identity - ya know, who we are, why we are what we are...what we are. anyway, i thought it absolutely necessary to share (if i have any readers) or at least just put on my blog for future reflection purposes. OKAY HERE IT GOES!!

there is this GYNORMOUS, VISCIOUS cycle in life that many of us can categorize ourselves apart of (i'm in it). it starts out as a sort of self evaluation in how we go about living. in this case the result is "i'm not good enough". so to fix that we try to be someone else...or something else that we see working, thinking "HEY! maybe i can do/ be that and it'll work for me". well what we dont realize is that by choosing that, it, in a weird way, "allows" us to miss out on what God already had planned for us because we aren't trying to pursue WHO HE MADE US TO BE. taking this road nNEVER works out, therefore it leaves us feeling useless, worthless, unsuccessful- right back to the beginning of "IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH".

do you see the cycle?!?!?!? really!??! do understand that those four main thoughts can lead to INSANITY?!?! i do because i truly think im there!

Ted went on to say that there are basically two ways to divide things into :
1. NOT GOD
2. GOD

1.NOT GOD: need to be prettier, skinnier, smarter, faster stronger- bascially BETTER!


2.GOD: accepted as you are.

so then we ask: who do you trust?
who are you?
WHAT SHOULD YOU BE?

with GOD asking "what should you be?" is the WRONG question to be asking!

with #1 NOT GOD the asnwer you'll get back is simply everyone else OWN opinion getting NO HELP.

the RIGHT question to ask with GOD is "WHAT AM I?!?!?!?!" why wouldnt you ask the One who created you? The answer will be THE TRUTH. isnt that what you want!??! HONESTY?! then you'll get help- solutions to the insanity!

now keep in mind, this is not ted's word for word sermon, but i think i did a pretty good job translating it. anyway after hearing this i jotted down a few personal thoughts i had.

the whole message got to me, but the part about the NOT GOD side leading to others opinions not helping really came at me like a spider monkey (it's from talladega nights). I forgot i WANTED help. when i first moved here- i forgot how badly i wanted to be literally saved from all the crap. just swept up, rescued far far away from all the bad. i would sit in church screaming in my head to God "How do I get it? How do I get thorugh this God because I want out of it!!!" My heart WANTED the change- the DESIRE, I HAD DESIRE for it. I had a NEED for God.

why don't i now? i mean i love God - i do. i believe He is here and that Jesus died on the cross for our sinful ways, but the BURN isn't there. I forgot I was at a point where i KNEW i could NOT do it anymore. i was so hurt i was reaching out for ANYTHING that would help me feel healed and loved and accepted. i guess once i had gotten it, once i decided to REALLY live my life for God, that i had forgotten how MISERABLE things are when you walk away from the help WILLINGLY.

How does that happen...so fast? how do you forget that much pain? then i found myself sitting there in church yelling through a pen and paper at God again. "WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN IT'S ALL SO EASILY FORGOTTEN??? HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THE RIGHT THING?!?? HOW DO YOU NOT STRAY AWAY?!? HOW DO I DO THIS?

i thought about leaving the blog with that. honestly because i'm still asking, telling, crying...

all is not lost. things could be much worse. in fact, i think because i went to lifeline that night and started taking steps back toward my relationship with God, it's already blessed me. my taxes ended being MUCH larger than i had anticipated ( like $400 more) my friendships are getting renewed and mended, i JUST officially had two job offers that i took (one full time, one part time) and i'm feeling a little better about my "guy situation" (which honestly i think is a miracle in itself)

i think i'll go back to lifeline this sunday.

Psalm 51:17
"...heart shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."