i hate when movies do this...

sometimes you can’t explain or express how broken you are. life is full of so much. i’m only 21 but often i feel like i’ve lived 930472984 years plus. i’m sitting here racking my brain attemping to remember things. it’s so hard. i try for like 5 minutes, some nights i only make it 45 seconds because it always ends the same- feeling frustrated, sad, hurt, confused, an ocassional laugh, a smile here and there and then this void, this empty "thing" in my gut...

even at the age 61, my mom doesn’t know everything. how can you experience life that long and not know? we forget so easily things we see everyday or learn, or even felt. i know there are things that took place in my life i didn’t even know happened or didnt see...i.e. when my dad first held me, when i made my mom really proud, my parents being in love, when i made my brothers laugh really hard...when my family was a family together.

how about recess? snack time? birthday parties...you know i never had a brithday party when i was a young buck. i went to plenty though, from chuck e cheese to discovery zone to rollerbladding hah. what about the times you met a stranger? how random and ironic it was you just happen to meet them. or meeting that one person that one time and just by looking at them you get this...this spine tingling, goose bump experience that tells you there is something so different, so intreging, wholesome...

i wish we had this part in our brains with a tv and a vcr- not a dvd player, but an old school vcr- where you can just fastforward and rewind, replay, replay replay!!! EVERY MOMENT! can you imagine? every little thing.

Things We Lost in the Fire. my roommate rented it tonight, had no clue how much it related to me. yesterday, someone mentioned a movie to me i would have sworn on my life was my ultimate favoriest movie EVER, yet i had forgotten about it until he mentioned it - Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. it ties back to my whole memory thing...except the thing is the characters in this movie DON’T want to remeber. they actually want to forget. i remember when i felt like that. it’s because some of the memories just hurt too much. but then years, months, heck sometimes even hours pass, and then bam...i find myself saying i would GIVE, DO anything- ANYTHING- just to have that back...to be in that one place again, experience a passion i use to have, to see that one person again, to hold, to feel that person, have a conversation, hear their voice! laugh with them....

i hate when movies do this. it’s as if i have been turned upside down with all the blood rushing to my head, feeling as if its about to explode with emotion--

so much emotion.

i hate it because it makes me stop running. i may get mad and show emotion and say things giving one the impression that i’m "putting it all out there" or being too emotional...haha even annoying. the thing is...i’m not TRULY telling you how i feel, what’s really going on. i run from the truth. actually, i run so much i start running in these circles and end up running back into the truth. so i confront it. i face it. i can only deal with it for a little while though...i freak out, the minute i feel overwhelmed and start running again. i need to stop running. so i guess...

secretly, i love it when movies do this...;-)

"Except the good." - Things We Lost in the Fire.