regret

after i posted the entry below, i came across a blog entry of an old friend and in the entry read the following:

"If you died tonight with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?

Why haven't you told them yet?"


my response:
i am so sorry. not a day goes by that i dont think about them. i NEVER wanted to hurt them the way i did. i still love them all. i miss them all so much it actually makes my heart hurt. i would tell them how much i appreciate (until the day i die) the instant acceptance they showed me, the love they invested in me, the friendship they gave me, and the all the time they shared with me, as well as the faith and support they had in me.
i wish things could go back. i know they cant, but more than that, i wish so badly that what joy was taken from their lives before, would be given back to them in ways they never knew a joy existed. that their new life be filled with everything they deserve (which is more than our simple brains can imagine). that they always fully rely on God and continue to be who God intended them to be because they are one of the most amazing families i have ever met.
i literally would cry to them over and over again saying how sorry i was. however, there is one thing i would say to them knowing it was the most important if they could be told anything at all...

i would tell them i pray everyday for their forgiveness, from each and every one of them. i pray it everyday. NOT just for my sake, but so they can move on with their lives, with no more anger or hurt or resentment...or suffer through the horrible feeling of being betrayed...because i love them.


why havent i told them...?
that's between God and I. however, i have been- in a way- talking/asking God what to do with this situation in my life. it was EXACTLY what the blog entry from the other person said...what would you regret NOT telling someone? for 4 months ive been trying to figure out what to do? what to say? find sanity in the fact i will not ever be ABLE to say ANYTHING. then i found this tonight. i dont know if the people i have referred to will ever visit my blogger, but if they do, even if its years from now, they'll see this and know.

thank you God.