Reflections in the Saturn

I was driving to work the other morning and it came over me that I will work at my faith everyday. I felt comfort in that. I will always have something to work on for God.

Tonight at Lifeline, a lot of things Corey said really related to me. He talked about relationships in general, how much all of us want to be loved, accepted, cared for, and how much we desire someone to be our support our rock. Creating friendships are getting a little better, but I can't get past my "guy issue".
I've given this problem to God so many times; completely broken in front of Him, no show just me and Him. I am constantly struggling with my past. Not anger or bitterness anymore, but I am still recovering... I can see it in my actions day to day.
The question I deal with more often than any other is "God, why can't I just be with the man I am going to marry? Why can't you send any guy after You my way so we can be together serving You?" I know in my heart God doesn't want to see me be hurt or suffer anymore heartache. He and I both know also that I can't afford to give all of me to another guy when the ONLY person I NEED to give all of me to is God. Once I do that I know He will open doors and give my heart peace, but the challenge for me is not understanding why it seems I can't just experience Him with the right guy.
There are so many things I want to be for God and with each day I see baby steps that I have been taking, but when I have thoughts like this...it makes me wonder if it's all for nothing. If I take these steps toward God, yet my heart still desires to have that relationship with a guy, how am I ever going to be strong or be in love with God so much I won't focus on the acceptance of anyone but God?
I want so deeply to be at one with God that when my husband finally does come along he sees I CAN be his support and I will take second to God. I want my husband to know when he look s at me that I am a woman of God, I love him, and I will be by his side through it all. More than anything however, I want God to be pleased in everything I do.
I always come back to this thought...God has seen the pain and bruises I have had physically and mentally from past relationships. He has also seen how much of my heart I give away and it has to hurt Him to see me desire a relationship with another guy almost more than I do with Him. I seek for male approval more than I seek God's will some days. I've cried out to God countless times begging Him to take the pain away to get me out of the situations I had put myself in, and now that He has helped deliver me from those moments in my life...
He is the ONLY one who truly knows the condition of my heart and how much suffering it went through, so some times I feel like He knows the next guy that takes interest in me needs to be the one... I have never been good at the dating game and I just want to be with my husband and start life with him in God. He knows this. I need to take this time to prepare myself for my husband when I do meet him.
I will remember that God works in mysterious ways. Just because I say I need to be single right now and block guys doesn't mean it's Gods will, it simply means I'm trying to figure things out on my own which is not what GOd wants us to do. He wants us to rely on Him.

God help me find You this week. I know if I continue to seek You, not an answer, Your will will be done for me. Thank you so much for all you have done in these past 3 months. I have found so much through You already. I can't believe what you have shown me and blessed me with in such short time. I can't wait to learn more and go through this journey of life finding you and falling in love with you. Be with me as I face these trials of selfish wants and desires Lord. For Your will be done not mine.