the what...

I should have posted this two days ago but imagine that...i got too busy. something else i have seriously got to work on- my time management.
well this week has been hard for me. i dont know why and i still cant quite put my finger on it. i basically feel like i have been lying to myself the whole time i have been here. i felt like i was making improvements and that i have been growing with the baby steps ive been taking but then i realized that i havent really changed much. i still have this unhealthy desire for a relationship with a guy, beginning to die down at work (my killer 2 month dedication issue), stuck on him...not saving ANY MONEY wasting it on clothes! and i still havent read the Bible like i said i would. i don't know how to fix any of these problems. i know what i can do the problem is doing them all. i sound like such a baby, i know.
ive been crying at night when i drive home to work - it's beautiful, the snow glistening at night on the trees and on the ground - being completely honest and me before God and His very creation saying that very same thing..."I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!! WHAT DO I DO??"
my family is is currently going through some different situations right now BUT if you step back and think about it...we aren't that bad off. things could be so much terribly worse. i dont know how to help my family look at it that way though. my brothers are buried in a cave, we (family) have all the equipment to get them out but they just don't want to move. they think 1.look at all the hassle im putting on my family just for me, i dont need them to worry about me i'll get out eventually. really though, their eventually is never. they wont just trust God. the younger of the two has saved me. he has taken me in and helped me restore my love for God, given some of the greatest edvice i have ever heard, yet he does nothing with it for his life. i want to just shake him. he wont listen to any of us. the other one hasnt given God a second thought in years. i am more worrried for him than anyone. then my nephews...those poor little guys; mom is in jail, we have no idea when she is getting out and my mother (their gma) is taking care of them. She is 60 looking after her mom (86) who has enough health issues to depress anyone. OH and how do i not dwell on my own selfish thoughts of my family and all that jazz when i know the world is hurting with the same problems if not worse?!?!? i dont know how to fix me and other people.
what do i want then?
to be in love with God. to be in this open conversational relationship. to see God as more than a huuuuge grace and wish maker. i want to read His word.learn more about Him and His will for others and ME for Him. I want to talk with Him about my day, to tell Him the good NOT just the bad. what kind of a person wants to only be recognized when something negative is going on...its wrong. its undeserving.
im feeling very moved to read the message remix and see what God reveals to me. i'll leave on this note (or song i should say).

Your Love Will Never Change, Dave Barnes

They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?
They tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty freedom
And taken on their stains

Your love will never change
Your love will never change

They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light
And you know they tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name

Your love will never change
Your love will never change

So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
And you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
And that you’ll take my blame

Your love will never change
Your love will never change