another "shpeel"

i saw these two girls today at work that i met through lifeline. they reminded me so much of myself when i had met them. the first girl i saw recognized me right away and it was so nice to see the excitement in her face. while i was ringing her up, another girl came up beside her- i didnt recognize her at first. she looked a little different. she's pregnant. they're cousins and not even ot of high school. now that i think back on it, the pregnant girl looked kind of embarrassed. i so badly wanted to squeeze the poo out of her and tell how proud i was of her for keeping the baby and trying to make things work. i have met and seen hundreds of kids that just hurt and struggle day to day and have no way of finding out what's really going on in their life.

when the girls left, i felt so weird. bad weird. i suddenly sunk into this lonely feeling. i started thinking about lifeline a lot. i want to go back so badly to the way everything was but i cant just jump back in. i have too many things to fix. sometimes i feel like its just too late. GCC religiously confirms its never too late to come back to God, but its so hard for me to do it. i believe it because i DO whole heartedly. i would tell anyone to just SPRINT to Him. all He wants is your heart. why is it so hard for me to do what i honestly believe?

i was driving to brothers house about 15 minutes ago and became really disgusted with myself. i want to change. i want to go back to the sarah that was SEEKING after God. who was surrounded daily by good, loving, loyal people who chased after God. i want to be relied ON, i want to be the friend people go to, who see Jesus in me.

i screwed up big time in the last 4 months. this year has been hell for me spiritually, mentally, financially - you name it. it could be MUCH worse, but im learing when YOU CHOOSE to step away from God and all that He has to offer, you become a person you absolutely hate. nothing you do is satisfying. you always want more. its sickening really. i dont want it anymore. this is the EXACT feeling i had before i moved here. its the EXACT reason why i moved here: so i could come back to God. i wanted to completely rid my life of sin and selfishness and find out what it meant to be in love with Christ.

I think, though, this time its worse than the feeling i had before.now i have had a taste of my Lord. ive felt His unconditional love, ive experienced blessing after blessing and then slowly, BUT WILLINGLY walked away from it all.

i know our God has provision we know not of, that His love is amazing steady and unchanging, that it stretches as far as the east is from the west...that i matter...through all the stupid STUPID minute by minute mistakes i make, HE JUST WANTS ME! MY HEART.

ive been talking to a friend a lot lately- kinda laying it all out there to her. she has really been helping me dig at this and show me that this is all repairable. im taking the smallest baby steps ever, but if anyone is reading this pray for me. i dont care what it is you pray FOR, just pray for me. i need it.