the last two weeks i have lost sight and well more so the spark i had once i got settled here....sad how fast that happens huh?
i moved here in nov/dec and im already fading away...well as of tonight i got another jump start. it seriously blows me away how selfish i can be and how unaapriciative of God i can be. look at all He has done so far...how many nights He has been my comfort in a time of sincere brokeness yet i still have the thoughts i did last week...it always brings me back to my knees in humility but brings such a burn and desire to be better for Him. i have been playing with the idea of attending Bethel in the fall. now to an outsider looking in with no faith...its pretty much ridiculous to even consider this, given my past and current financial standing; however, my intentions to do this very thing is for the sole purpose of being closer to GOD; to really dig into His word and find a better calling as his servent! AWWWWWWK im getting all pumped up again! i wanna go take laps around the apartment complex hahah.
so the light that startedme back up again...right!! tonight at church was the launch of our new series aka the MY LIFE series. tis the first week of five and im already on fire and ready to dive into soooooo much. it didnt confirm a "set-in-stone" answer to my bethel thought, BUT it hasnt shut any doors that would cease the journey in exploring that possiblity.
MAN ! I AM SOO THANKFUL for MARK BEESON and his wife. their vision and integrity!! man o man...and i get to be apart of it. i wanna be apart of it. i want to put all my energy into MC3 and kids who really need to know " HEY YOU MATTER...NOT JUST TO ME BUT GOD!" can you imagine hearing that for the first time? how much impact that could have on a young childs heart?...how much God could use them once they know the REAL DEAL with GOD?!?!?! and how AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL His unconditonal love is???...
yeah while you are in awe of that possibility...i have more thoughts!
i cant wait to see what the next few years have in store for GOD and myself!!! and WHOEVER ELSE HE WANTS IN IT! im sooo thankful HE reignited (i do believe thats a word but its sooo late OH WELL I DONT CARE) my spark ...ITS NOT EVEN A SPARK its like a HUUUUGE BONFIRE you can see from miles away at least i hope so! thats what i want to happen. i want to be a GINORMOUS LIGHT that shines soo bright people see it right away but dont SEE ME they see GOD'S LOVE!!! MAN i have never expressed these feelings before...it's sooo flippin' exciting!!! I LOVE GOD AND HIS LOVELY SON!!!
GOD, thank you so much for much your never ending love and your amazing grace that i experience everyday! you are becoming the love of life and i pray you continue to give me that strength and desire to pursue you and YOUR will not mine! you are so wonderful. thank you for wht you are doing in Debbies life thank you for being with her; for loving her NO MATTER WHAT! you are all powerful andd i am NOTHING with out you! I LOVE YOU and YOUR SON. YOU have both LOVED ME THOUGH I HAVE HURT YOU!!!! AND IT JUST BLOWS ME AWAY!!! I KNOW YOUR LOVE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!
I LOVE YOU OH SO MUCH !!!!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Writing Assignment...based off a picture
BAGGAGE
“I figured about 18 hours round trip. We’ll be back in time for the track meet tomorrow morning. No one will ever know.”
His voice was like a checkmark on a “to do” list. Did he really think it was that simple? I numbly watched the rain across the street, thinking how all those oily puddles, the soggy cigarette butts floating into the gutters-it all began with just one drop. My mind went in reverse.
“Don’t I look pretty, daddy?” I asked twirling in my new yellow Easter dress, the ribbons tickling my wrists. Mom’s wet hands ushered me from the room. She smelled like lemons.
“Daddy’s busy, honey.” She took a step back, dishtowel to her hip, and gasped. ”You look beautiful, sweetie! Pigtails?” She scooped me up to the stool in front of the bathroom mirror. I could hear dad pick up his keys …
No, too far back. I thought.
“That’s ours. Let’s go.” I flinched. “Sarah!”
I jumped like a bee sting. “Coming, sorry.”
I watched him walk ahead of me. Months of walking behind him to the next class, the next game, the next party. I grinded my teeth. He should have worn a belt.
Why should his walk be any different today? I thought. But there was a time when he walked beside me . . .
“Hey, beautiful.” It was my second day of school, and I looked around to see who he was talking to. He sniffed. One corner of his mouth lifted. My stomach devoured itself. “You new here?”
I coughed to catch my breath. Two days was enough time to hear about Josh Bracken-basketball and track star, all-state running back, and legend of the social scene.
“Uh, yeah, I just moved here from . . .” I tucked my hair behind my ears and swallowed the rising iceball.
“Yeah, I know. Walk you to class?” His arm slung over my shoulder like a sandbag. I had to alter my stride to match his, but it felt like we were flying.
“Hey! Where are you today?” He commanded my attention. I didn’t even remember getting on the bus and sitting down. I watched the rain on the window zig zag down like a pinball machine.
“I just remembered I forgot to do my Spanish homework.” I lied.
“Just copy off somebody in homeroom. No one will ever know.” It was the second time he’d said it, and it sounded even more ridiculous than the first. He rubbed his pant leg with the heel of his hand. The scabs on his knuckles were starting to peel, and my mind flashed back to that night--the look in his eyes right before I ducked, the look right after. . .
He caught me staring at him. “Look, I know you’re nervous. It’s going to be okay.”
“I know.” Another lie.
“At least this will all be behind us. No one will ever know.”
I knew if he said it one more time, I would snap. I tried to change the subject. “How’s the knee? Ready for tomorrow?”
Since he was his own favorite topic, I knew I’d bought some time to myself. I switched to autopilot and went inside my head again.
How did I get here? When did I resign myself to this balloon existence-- just floating from place to place or person to person? How did the little girl and her dancing ribbons turn into a seventeen year old liar who could hide a steak from a bloodhound?
I opened my purse and pretended to check my cell phone, but I glanced at the ultrasound picture underneath it.
I want my mom. I thought. It’s amazing how a few secrets stacked up can make such a thick wall between two people. I missed the pigtail days.
“This is it. Get your stuff.” He snapped his fingers. His bag was half the size of mine. I stumbled off the bus trying to balance my purse, backpack, jacket, and bag. This was the same guy who six weeks ago wouldn’t let me carry my notebook to Chemistry.
“Sarah! C’mon!” I caught up to him near the elevators. He smiled, another checkmark on his list. The doors opened. He stepped into the elevator; I followed.
I heard a ding! and my mother’s voice as the doors started to close. As the doors narrowed and his smile widened, it felt like someone was strangling me. I jumped back on to the tile with a squeak.
I heard him yelling and fists pounding as the elevator ascended.
The baggage felt lighter as I ran out of the building to a café across the street. I took out my cell phone.
“Mom? It’s Sarah.”
“I figured about 18 hours round trip. We’ll be back in time for the track meet tomorrow morning. No one will ever know.”
His voice was like a checkmark on a “to do” list. Did he really think it was that simple? I numbly watched the rain across the street, thinking how all those oily puddles, the soggy cigarette butts floating into the gutters-it all began with just one drop. My mind went in reverse.
“Don’t I look pretty, daddy?” I asked twirling in my new yellow Easter dress, the ribbons tickling my wrists. Mom’s wet hands ushered me from the room. She smelled like lemons.
“Daddy’s busy, honey.” She took a step back, dishtowel to her hip, and gasped. ”You look beautiful, sweetie! Pigtails?” She scooped me up to the stool in front of the bathroom mirror. I could hear dad pick up his keys …
No, too far back. I thought.
“That’s ours. Let’s go.” I flinched. “Sarah!”
I jumped like a bee sting. “Coming, sorry.”
I watched him walk ahead of me. Months of walking behind him to the next class, the next game, the next party. I grinded my teeth. He should have worn a belt.
Why should his walk be any different today? I thought. But there was a time when he walked beside me . . .
“Hey, beautiful.” It was my second day of school, and I looked around to see who he was talking to. He sniffed. One corner of his mouth lifted. My stomach devoured itself. “You new here?”
I coughed to catch my breath. Two days was enough time to hear about Josh Bracken-basketball and track star, all-state running back, and legend of the social scene.
“Uh, yeah, I just moved here from . . .” I tucked my hair behind my ears and swallowed the rising iceball.
“Yeah, I know. Walk you to class?” His arm slung over my shoulder like a sandbag. I had to alter my stride to match his, but it felt like we were flying.
“Hey! Where are you today?” He commanded my attention. I didn’t even remember getting on the bus and sitting down. I watched the rain on the window zig zag down like a pinball machine.
“I just remembered I forgot to do my Spanish homework.” I lied.
“Just copy off somebody in homeroom. No one will ever know.” It was the second time he’d said it, and it sounded even more ridiculous than the first. He rubbed his pant leg with the heel of his hand. The scabs on his knuckles were starting to peel, and my mind flashed back to that night--the look in his eyes right before I ducked, the look right after. . .
He caught me staring at him. “Look, I know you’re nervous. It’s going to be okay.”
“I know.” Another lie.
“At least this will all be behind us. No one will ever know.”
I knew if he said it one more time, I would snap. I tried to change the subject. “How’s the knee? Ready for tomorrow?”
Since he was his own favorite topic, I knew I’d bought some time to myself. I switched to autopilot and went inside my head again.
How did I get here? When did I resign myself to this balloon existence-- just floating from place to place or person to person? How did the little girl and her dancing ribbons turn into a seventeen year old liar who could hide a steak from a bloodhound?
I opened my purse and pretended to check my cell phone, but I glanced at the ultrasound picture underneath it.
I want my mom. I thought. It’s amazing how a few secrets stacked up can make such a thick wall between two people. I missed the pigtail days.
“This is it. Get your stuff.” He snapped his fingers. His bag was half the size of mine. I stumbled off the bus trying to balance my purse, backpack, jacket, and bag. This was the same guy who six weeks ago wouldn’t let me carry my notebook to Chemistry.
“Sarah! C’mon!” I caught up to him near the elevators. He smiled, another checkmark on his list. The doors opened. He stepped into the elevator; I followed.
I heard a ding! and my mother’s voice as the doors started to close. As the doors narrowed and his smile widened, it felt like someone was strangling me. I jumped back on to the tile with a squeak.
I heard him yelling and fists pounding as the elevator ascended.
The baggage felt lighter as I ran out of the building to a café across the street. I took out my cell phone.
“Mom? It’s Sarah.”
Sunday, February 18, 2007
the what...
I should have posted this two days ago but imagine that...i got too busy. something else i have seriously got to work on- my time management.
well this week has been hard for me. i dont know why and i still cant quite put my finger on it. i basically feel like i have been lying to myself the whole time i have been here. i felt like i was making improvements and that i have been growing with the baby steps ive been taking but then i realized that i havent really changed much. i still have this unhealthy desire for a relationship with a guy, beginning to die down at work (my killer 2 month dedication issue), stuck on him...not saving ANY MONEY wasting it on clothes! and i still havent read the Bible like i said i would. i don't know how to fix any of these problems. i know what i can do the problem is doing them all. i sound like such a baby, i know.
ive been crying at night when i drive home to work - it's beautiful, the snow glistening at night on the trees and on the ground - being completely honest and me before God and His very creation saying that very same thing..."I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!! WHAT DO I DO??"
my family is is currently going through some different situations right now BUT if you step back and think about it...we aren't that bad off. things could be so much terribly worse. i dont know how to help my family look at it that way though. my brothers are buried in a cave, we (family) have all the equipment to get them out but they just don't want to move. they think 1.look at all the hassle im putting on my family just for me, i dont need them to worry about me i'll get out eventually. really though, their eventually is never. they wont just trust God. the younger of the two has saved me. he has taken me in and helped me restore my love for God, given some of the greatest edvice i have ever heard, yet he does nothing with it for his life. i want to just shake him. he wont listen to any of us. the other one hasnt given God a second thought in years. i am more worrried for him than anyone. then my nephews...those poor little guys; mom is in jail, we have no idea when she is getting out and my mother (their gma) is taking care of them. She is 60 looking after her mom (86) who has enough health issues to depress anyone. OH and how do i not dwell on my own selfish thoughts of my family and all that jazz when i know the world is hurting with the same problems if not worse?!?!? i dont know how to fix me and other people.
what do i want then?
to be in love with God. to be in this open conversational relationship. to see God as more than a huuuuge grace and wish maker. i want to read His word.learn more about Him and His will for others and ME for Him. I want to talk with Him about my day, to tell Him the good NOT just the bad. what kind of a person wants to only be recognized when something negative is going on...its wrong. its undeserving.
im feeling very moved to read the message remix and see what God reveals to me. i'll leave on this note (or song i should say).
Your Love Will Never Change, Dave Barnes
They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?
They tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty freedom
And taken on their stains
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light
And you know they tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
And you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
And that you’ll take my blame
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
well this week has been hard for me. i dont know why and i still cant quite put my finger on it. i basically feel like i have been lying to myself the whole time i have been here. i felt like i was making improvements and that i have been growing with the baby steps ive been taking but then i realized that i havent really changed much. i still have this unhealthy desire for a relationship with a guy, beginning to die down at work (my killer 2 month dedication issue), stuck on him...not saving ANY MONEY wasting it on clothes! and i still havent read the Bible like i said i would. i don't know how to fix any of these problems. i know what i can do the problem is doing them all. i sound like such a baby, i know.
ive been crying at night when i drive home to work - it's beautiful, the snow glistening at night on the trees and on the ground - being completely honest and me before God and His very creation saying that very same thing..."I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!! WHAT DO I DO??"
my family is is currently going through some different situations right now BUT if you step back and think about it...we aren't that bad off. things could be so much terribly worse. i dont know how to help my family look at it that way though. my brothers are buried in a cave, we (family) have all the equipment to get them out but they just don't want to move. they think 1.look at all the hassle im putting on my family just for me, i dont need them to worry about me i'll get out eventually. really though, their eventually is never. they wont just trust God. the younger of the two has saved me. he has taken me in and helped me restore my love for God, given some of the greatest edvice i have ever heard, yet he does nothing with it for his life. i want to just shake him. he wont listen to any of us. the other one hasnt given God a second thought in years. i am more worrried for him than anyone. then my nephews...those poor little guys; mom is in jail, we have no idea when she is getting out and my mother (their gma) is taking care of them. She is 60 looking after her mom (86) who has enough health issues to depress anyone. OH and how do i not dwell on my own selfish thoughts of my family and all that jazz when i know the world is hurting with the same problems if not worse?!?!? i dont know how to fix me and other people.
what do i want then?
to be in love with God. to be in this open conversational relationship. to see God as more than a huuuuge grace and wish maker. i want to read His word.learn more about Him and His will for others and ME for Him. I want to talk with Him about my day, to tell Him the good NOT just the bad. what kind of a person wants to only be recognized when something negative is going on...its wrong. its undeserving.
im feeling very moved to read the message remix and see what God reveals to me. i'll leave on this note (or song i should say).
Your Love Will Never Change, Dave Barnes
They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?
They tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty freedom
And taken on their stains
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light
And you know they tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
And you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
And that you’ll take my blame
Your love will never change
Your love will never change
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
dave barnes
most people haven't heard of this character dave barnes and that's unfortunate; however, i have and i'm going to share my wonderful discovery on this!
i love music. yes e v e r y o n e says this in their about me, interest, favorite music, etc and how life would be purposeless without it..or the infamous "MY LIFE IS MUSIC" (yup- that line is in my myspace and facebook profile) but what does that mean?...seriously! i don't know where i'm going with this thought but i guess my next "ponder" is how many of those people REALLY do love music that much...AND the one that question i really want to know is are they musically inclined somehow? do they sing, guitar, drums, piano?? i mean how did music become such a passion for everyone else...hidden talent i tell ya its everywhere.
anyway im listening to dave barnes right? well here are my feelings, the thoughts that consume so much of my energy that's mostly really unnecessary...another thing i'm working on! anyway these lyrics perfectly express my pre- mishawaka move and the day of...
until you(first verse)
let's just take our time
the L.A. song
she drives down on sunset with the windows down
just so she can let it in
she knows he's far-gone now, but there still are pieces
pieces there still left of him
he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him
there is a picture sitting by her bed
her reflection in his face
she has been meaning, meaning to move it
but it's always been his place
he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him
city of angels, everyone is sleeping
4 am and she's awake
she is moving, moving that picture
someone else will fill that space
someone else will fill that space
- dave barnes
something beautiful to say
i wish i had something beautiful to say,
but somehow silence takes that place.
so it's done with you pressed up against my chest,
i stay here, you head west.
goodbye is like moving a mountain,
bust to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...
right where you belong.
this city always seemed to break your heart,
you fought fierce but your friends always fell apart.
dusk falls and you're halfway there by now,
and all that's left is your lipstick on my brow.
goodbye is like moving a mountain,
just to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...
right where you belong.
-dave barnes
-dave barnes
okay so after listening to more of dave :-p i decided to blog certain songs separately...these will do just fine in this entry...
this post was out of pure selfishness, i justified posting it by telling myself i i don't desire that part in my life anymore...well at least in my heart i know it's not for me...i don't need to play guessing games, or put myself in position to fail... right now dating would be one of those. it's still hard, but i have realized lot of the time relationships tend to confuse comfort with being in love. at least i did.
i love music. yes e v e r y o n e says this in their about me, interest, favorite music, etc and how life would be purposeless without it..or the infamous "MY LIFE IS MUSIC" (yup- that line is in my myspace and facebook profile) but what does that mean?...seriously! i don't know where i'm going with this thought but i guess my next "ponder" is how many of those people REALLY do love music that much...AND the one that question i really want to know is are they musically inclined somehow? do they sing, guitar, drums, piano?? i mean how did music become such a passion for everyone else...hidden talent i tell ya its everywhere.
anyway im listening to dave barnes right? well here are my feelings, the thoughts that consume so much of my energy that's mostly really unnecessary...another thing i'm working on! anyway these lyrics perfectly express my pre- mishawaka move and the day of...
until you(first verse)
let's just take our time
there's nothing else to do
what better way to spend the night
than wasted here with you
the moon has won the war
the daylight waits to win
stay here by my side
this will start again
-dave barnes
the L.A. song
she drives down on sunset with the windows down
just so she can let it in
she knows he's far-gone now, but there still are pieces
pieces there still left of him
he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him
there is a picture sitting by her bed
her reflection in his face
she has been meaning, meaning to move it
but it's always been his place
he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him
city of angels, everyone is sleeping
4 am and she's awake
she is moving, moving that picture
someone else will fill that space
someone else will fill that space
- dave barnes
something beautiful to say
i wish i had something beautiful to say,
but somehow silence takes that place.
so it's done with you pressed up against my chest,
i stay here, you head west.
goodbye is like moving a mountain,
bust to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...
right where you belong.
this city always seemed to break your heart,
you fought fierce but your friends always fell apart.
dusk falls and you're halfway there by now,
and all that's left is your lipstick on my brow.
goodbye is like moving a mountain,
just to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...
right where you belong.
-dave barnes
somehow saving you
texas at twilight,
you here on my mind.leaving gets harder,
with the more i leave behind.
i know that i can't have you,
so i'll convince myself.
this is the hardest thing i've ever done.
somehow saving you by moving on.
memphis at midnight,
hese nighlights fascinate.
but cities and their skylines,
can't keep you away.
i know i don't need you,
so i'll just tell myself.
this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
somehow saving you by moving on.
someone tell me i'll move on from this,
and I'll move on.
and every bit of you that's still in me will all be gone.-dave barnes
okay so after listening to more of dave :-p i decided to blog certain songs separately...these will do just fine in this entry...
this post was out of pure selfishness, i justified posting it by telling myself i i don't desire that part in my life anymore...well at least in my heart i know it's not for me...i don't need to play guessing games, or put myself in position to fail... right now dating would be one of those. it's still hard, but i have realized lot of the time relationships tend to confuse comfort with being in love. at least i did.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Beautifully Broken
Psalm 51
1-3Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.
4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.
16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.
1-3Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.
4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.
16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Reflections in the Saturn
I was driving to work the other morning and it came over me that I will work at my faith everyday. I felt comfort in that. I will always have something to work on for God.
Tonight at Lifeline, a lot of things Corey said really related to me. He talked about relationships in general, how much all of us want to be loved, accepted, cared for, and how much we desire someone to be our support our rock. Creating friendships are getting a little better, but I can't get past my "guy issue".
I've given this problem to God so many times; completely broken in front of Him, no show just me and Him. I am constantly struggling with my past. Not anger or bitterness anymore, but I am still recovering... I can see it in my actions day to day.
The question I deal with more often than any other is "God, why can't I just be with the man I am going to marry? Why can't you send any guy after You my way so we can be together serving You?" I know in my heart God doesn't want to see me be hurt or suffer anymore heartache. He and I both know also that I can't afford to give all of me to another guy when the ONLY person I NEED to give all of me to is God. Once I do that I know He will open doors and give my heart peace, but the challenge for me is not understanding why it seems I can't just experience Him with the right guy.
There are so many things I want to be for God and with each day I see baby steps that I have been taking, but when I have thoughts like this...it makes me wonder if it's all for nothing. If I take these steps toward God, yet my heart still desires to have that relationship with a guy, how am I ever going to be strong or be in love with God so much I won't focus on the acceptance of anyone but God?
I want so deeply to be at one with God that when my husband finally does come along he sees I CAN be his support and I will take second to God. I want my husband to know when he look s at me that I am a woman of God, I love him, and I will be by his side through it all. More than anything however, I want God to be pleased in everything I do.
I always come back to this thought...God has seen the pain and bruises I have had physically and mentally from past relationships. He has also seen how much of my heart I give away and it has to hurt Him to see me desire a relationship with another guy almost more than I do with Him. I seek for male approval more than I seek God's will some days. I've cried out to God countless times begging Him to take the pain away to get me out of the situations I had put myself in, and now that He has helped deliver me from those moments in my life...
He is the ONLY one who truly knows the condition of my heart and how much suffering it went through, so some times I feel like He knows the next guy that takes interest in me needs to be the one... I have never been good at the dating game and I just want to be with my husband and start life with him in God. He knows this. I need to take this time to prepare myself for my husband when I do meet him.
I will remember that God works in mysterious ways. Just because I say I need to be single right now and block guys doesn't mean it's Gods will, it simply means I'm trying to figure things out on my own which is not what GOd wants us to do. He wants us to rely on Him.
God help me find You this week. I know if I continue to seek You, not an answer, Your will will be done for me. Thank you so much for all you have done in these past 3 months. I have found so much through You already. I can't believe what you have shown me and blessed me with in such short time. I can't wait to learn more and go through this journey of life finding you and falling in love with you. Be with me as I face these trials of selfish wants and desires Lord. For Your will be done not mine.
Tonight at Lifeline, a lot of things Corey said really related to me. He talked about relationships in general, how much all of us want to be loved, accepted, cared for, and how much we desire someone to be our support our rock. Creating friendships are getting a little better, but I can't get past my "guy issue".
I've given this problem to God so many times; completely broken in front of Him, no show just me and Him. I am constantly struggling with my past. Not anger or bitterness anymore, but I am still recovering... I can see it in my actions day to day.
The question I deal with more often than any other is "God, why can't I just be with the man I am going to marry? Why can't you send any guy after You my way so we can be together serving You?" I know in my heart God doesn't want to see me be hurt or suffer anymore heartache. He and I both know also that I can't afford to give all of me to another guy when the ONLY person I NEED to give all of me to is God. Once I do that I know He will open doors and give my heart peace, but the challenge for me is not understanding why it seems I can't just experience Him with the right guy.
There are so many things I want to be for God and with each day I see baby steps that I have been taking, but when I have thoughts like this...it makes me wonder if it's all for nothing. If I take these steps toward God, yet my heart still desires to have that relationship with a guy, how am I ever going to be strong or be in love with God so much I won't focus on the acceptance of anyone but God?
I want so deeply to be at one with God that when my husband finally does come along he sees I CAN be his support and I will take second to God. I want my husband to know when he look s at me that I am a woman of God, I love him, and I will be by his side through it all. More than anything however, I want God to be pleased in everything I do.
I always come back to this thought...God has seen the pain and bruises I have had physically and mentally from past relationships. He has also seen how much of my heart I give away and it has to hurt Him to see me desire a relationship with another guy almost more than I do with Him. I seek for male approval more than I seek God's will some days. I've cried out to God countless times begging Him to take the pain away to get me out of the situations I had put myself in, and now that He has helped deliver me from those moments in my life...
He is the ONLY one who truly knows the condition of my heart and how much suffering it went through, so some times I feel like He knows the next guy that takes interest in me needs to be the one... I have never been good at the dating game and I just want to be with my husband and start life with him in God. He knows this. I need to take this time to prepare myself for my husband when I do meet him.
I will remember that God works in mysterious ways. Just because I say I need to be single right now and block guys doesn't mean it's Gods will, it simply means I'm trying to figure things out on my own which is not what GOd wants us to do. He wants us to rely on Him.
God help me find You this week. I know if I continue to seek You, not an answer, Your will will be done for me. Thank you so much for all you have done in these past 3 months. I have found so much through You already. I can't believe what you have shown me and blessed me with in such short time. I can't wait to learn more and go through this journey of life finding you and falling in love with you. Be with me as I face these trials of selfish wants and desires Lord. For Your will be done not mine.
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