Thursday, February 5, 2015


YL: “What’s your best business advice?” Adam Green: “It takes a concerted effort. Develop your team and leaders—they are the true commodity in your business. Find mentors, ditch the ego, be teachable and coachable, go in with a student’s mindset, and learn the skills you need.” Can I just say, being a boss/leader sounds terrifying? Growing up I was CONTINUOUSLY told "Be a leader, not a follower!" I get the root behind it: "don't follow the wrong crowds, don't just fit in, stand up for what's right. BE bold for the right thing!" YES, YES, AND YES. But I didn't realize how much I had adapted to the fear of becoming a follower. My young mind started twisting a follower to be a weak and purposeless person of INSIGNIFIGANCE- a nobody, if you will. I still have LOTS of growing up to do mentally and I still possess a young mind, but at 28 this whole follower viewpoint thing is starting to shift.... What if the follower is the glue holding the leader together? What if the follower is like a pillar- connecting the foundation to the very roof that covers and protects? AND what is the follower's heart? Is it submissive? Humble? Encouraging? Supportive? SIGN ME UP! Like I said, I'm still learning so much, but at this point in my life I am (more so than ever) questioning my sanity. We HEAR all through life "he said, she said" stories about people- good and bad. I wanted to preface what I am about to say with that because we get into SUPER touchy grounds of offending other people with ANYTHING we say anymore. You've been if you read more, it's your choice to read my opinion/mind process on some things in life! I see a lot of leaders, on a personal level, interact. I read about a lot of leaders on their success and failures. I hear about a lot of leaders from people under their directions and guess what? EPIC MIND BLOWING TOP SECRET INFORMATION: THEY ARE HUMANS! (Cue the shrilling screams and loud gasps!) They mess up more than they will admit, they also help more than they will ever even let you imagine and they are BIAS in every way shape and form. They are NEVER alone. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE behind them. Whether it's a spouse, family, team, paid team, or friends, they are never alone. So why am I going on and on about this? The whole leader, follower thing branches from this. I need to put into perspective who leaders are, and how I can better understand, love, forgive, and even help them. AND because just as much as I hurt and offend people, I often get hurt by people, too. And some of these people are said leaders in life. When it comes down to it, what they chose to do I didn't agree with and it hurt me. BUT, BUT, BUT: Isn't that what all conflict is? Someone didn't do what you wanted and you're upset. This isn't rocket science. We learn this in at age 1 with another baby at age 1. "You took away my toy that made me happy and used to in your own way to make you happy! NOW I AM ANGRY CRYING AND WON’T STOP UNTIL I FEEL SATISFIED AGAIN!" Now…. take that and put in grown adult bodies. It's toxic. It's scary and it's hard. Did I mention it's seemingly impossible to get over???? What do ALL of us do with it? With getting hurt or offended? GREAT QUESTION!! Between what I witness, hear, and process in my brain (again at 28 and still needing to learn A LOT in mature my emotions), we DO A LOT WITH IT and don't even realize how much it affects how we live. I have made categories up (again to me). Here is how I process things. I apparently “categorize” people, but if we are all being honest, we all do. #1. DIE TO SELF CHRIST CHASING FORGIVERS: These are the people who have a relationship with God figured out. Not perfect by any means, but understand AND LIVE with him as if He is their spouse. God is included in everything they do. AND they forgive, even if they have to do it every day or hour or even minute. #2. FORGIVE AND FORGETERS: Some of us forgive for a week, month, day, but when a new person hurts us in the same way and we forget the forgive and are now mad at the original offender #1 again and now mad at new offender #2. DOUBLE WHAMMY! #3. NO CLUERS: Others (like my husband) are so oblivious to the offense and have no clue someone was hurtful to them AND are oblivious to how they offend others and go on their way as if everything is fine. They are frustrating to the #2 category, but EXCELLENT for being the peace in the storm because somehow not a lot bothers them. #4. PRIDE ROCK: No, not Lion King, but the image most definitely comes to mind when I “think” I have identified these people. Notice I didn’t put a “er” on the end because I truly think this is a place, more so a memory/game changer event that took place and is written in their memory forever. These people have been hurt and/or wronged and "it doesn't bother" them, BUT oh, do they have a vow. Whether they admit it and tell people (coworkers, spouse, kids, friends, family), OR KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES and only say it in their mind, they promised themselves "THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN." This brings in lots of control freak issues and when you're a breathing person, let alone leader that can be scary, yeah? Vowing to control things you just can't as a human. #5. PRIDE ROCKERS: This is a result of #4 but I made it another category because it’s that common and they are ROCKIN’ this pride thing! This is everything in #4 but there is no fault, no humility and no apologies. This type of person can either just truly think they are never hardly ever wrong OR they are aware and (what’s almost worse than what I just said is) they WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG! This one is the most frustrating obstacles for category #6 (it’s my last one!) #6. INSANERS: This is what I call myself. And it's ALL OF THESE CATEGORIES EXCEPT for #1. # 1 isn't the main's like the "add more salt as desired” or “only if you want to” or “add just a pinch" option to the recipe. In my opinion, it’s the worst and I truly lose my sanity. I get tunnel vision in every way. I lose value of other people. I cling to people who agree with my hurt and I live there. I live there. I push away others that don’t agree because that makes me wrong. And if I do ONE more thing wrong, I’ll completely lose it. And that’s not a threat, it’s the honest truth, But not GOD- honest. The only thing that “soothes” insaners, that takes the edge off, is a temporary high. For me a quick high is always acknowledgment and reiteration of a “hey- you matter! And you did (insert one thing) really well!” But then I go right back to #2-5. It’s a vicious, exhausting, never winning, never ending cycle. None of this makes anything easier. Even dying to self- it's the hardest one. When you do the hardest one, though, the results are LIFE- CHANGING, but only because it require a Savior. A Savior who died on a cross to take ALL of this on; A Savior who then came back to life even with all of that toxic selfish sin, to NEVER STOP giving grace. So, this was basically a little inside "peak" if you will of what's been eating me up lately. I'm trying to process the fear I have of possibly being a leader in all aspects: as a daughter of God, wife to Eric, a mother, worship at church, friend, daughter to my mother, sister, aunt, cousin, 1st Source employee…..all that AND trying to pursue a passion and "purpose". Nutshell: Being a leader sounds terrifying. Being a follower has been starting to sound so much easier, but given all the things I just vomited, supporting leaders can be just as hard. I have been believing a lot of lies about leaders and myself lately, so much that I even fear talking to anyone in a leadership position anymore…this is a process, just like everything else in life. But I can’t keep “processing on my own”. God keeps laying this on my heart: “Maybe as much as you want your leaders to ditch the ego and be teachable and coachable, maybe I want you to just ditch the ego.” Ditch the ego, be teachable and coachable. Jesus did for His Father.

Monday, October 20, 2008

What About God's Cry?

What are you afraid of—or who?"

moments of fear lead you to searching

im stuck again and trying to pretend and try play this feeling over and over again to avoid the hard part. i did something that i havent done in awhile though this time tonight. i turned to God. i looked at notes i kept and thoughts i wrote down from last summer and just as i knew would happen...answers, comfort.

-Jesus called over to a child whom stood in the middle of the room and said:
"Unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me...Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse..."

-"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

-"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ."

BE GOD'S FOOL- that's the path to true wisdom!"

"deciding not to decide is a decision..."

Monday, July 21, 2008

who you will become

i speak words of faith over you every minute of every day. my prayer is you grow up in this world with eyes open and aware to all that surrounds you, a heart always wanting to love, a mind that never stops wondering, and that you possess a passion stronger than Sampson himself for your Savior. You are constantly in my thoughts and you have completely captured my heart. I'm in for a long and joyous haul with you little one :-).
My mind has not stopped running. You have me in a marathon and I am forever thankful for saving me and showing me how to truly rely on God- to take Him in as my Father and friend. What I am most excited for is to see and be apart of what God has for you. The God that gave you me, that makes your very little heart race at 167 beats! My goodness I will never grasp how He created such a masterpiece, such a creation like you in me.
I dream of holding you in my arms for the very first time, touching your little fingers, those little beautiful blessing. When you open your eyes and we finally see each other for the first time, my heart gets so excited at the thought I sometimes fear it might burst:-)
I do have my fears. No, they are not of if you have my jaw or what pain I will experience, more so what you chose to do with the life God has given you. You will make mistakes, you will get hurt, you will hurt others, you will lie, and you will fail at things, BUT you will ALWAYS be victorious if you choose to make yourself a daily living sacrifice to God. You have no idea what that entails and you honestly probably wont until YEARS from now, but I promise, you will see a servant of the Lord in your mother.
I unfortunately can not predict your life: what great things you will do, your grades, if you play sports or even if you are musically inclined, but I do know without a doubt, who you will become will always be loved by me and there is nothing- NOTHING- you will do that will make God love you more or love you less.

Friday, July 11, 2008

camp, move07, camp, mexic07

- the second week of camp is ending in just hours.
- they did flips off the high dives tonight after celebrating with dance the weeks commitment to Christ...
- move07...qhwn i decided my heart was in it for HS AND MIDDLE SCHOOL...working within the community...connecting.
- mexico...getting my feet washed.
- baptized by Mark Beeson.
- my heart literally aches at times not being able to be apart of it again this summer
- not sure if i wanna go back to the way everything was last year though...?

been thinking a lot about those involved this year. that they stick with GOD and NEVER forget what they experienced and how they FELT GOD.

**dirty and left out by the almost

Amazing Because It Is

i found a song i knew over a year ago. last year, corey mann spoke (one of the many great times) and then requested this song be performed by trace and the gang with some lifeline kids singing along. i remembered how much i felt GOD that entire song. the way the light hit the kids that were on stage and they were so strong in voice...for God. def one of my top ten favoritest memories EVER.

this song i think describes me perfectly...and i'm sure thousands of other lives.

Amazing Because It Is by the Almost

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Friday, June 27, 2008

shout out to the sister-in-law!

you are quite the faithful blogger and i know you will read this so hear it is love!

once again you have blown me away with your love- GOD's love. kristin, please know, you truly are the best friend I have EVER had. you in fact give the word "BEST FRIEND" an entirely deeper definition. sometimes in saying best friend and your name makes best friend seem so inadequate. you're more than a few laughs, more than an occasional hug, more than the average hey how are ya? you are just real. i can honestly say there are SEVERAL SEVERAL people who agree with me when saying hands down you are beyond words. other than mom i have never meet ANYONE that shows and has so much UNCONDITIONAL love. i have been thanking God EVERY chance i get that i get to model after you! your determination to be an amazing wife, your integrity to be an extraordinary mom, and your PASSION, your heart that beats so fast and chases after God. i haven't even started on how creative and smart you are! i could write a book about you. some would probably think it fictitious though, because you are so flipping phenomenal, you seem too good to be true;-). it would change lives. actually you have changed lives as a teacher and now as a staff member of GCC. you are just too cool, seeeester.

thank you so much for being you. how often do you hear that? the thing is though, with you it doesn't get more honest. i love you!

blessed with love, grace, and affirmation

Two weeks ago to this day, my world was literally turned downside UP in THE BEST way possible.

The following has taken place from June 13th and on:
-God turned my sin into a direct gift to me from Him.
-God has daily shown me His excitement for me, FOR WHO I AM and WHO I WILL BECOME, through family and friends who love just as deep as family.
-i am surrounded, ABSOLUTELY SURROUNDED, by grace and have quite possibly the best support group ever.
-Mark Beeson said himself, there is nothing we can do that will make God or His true followers (including himself) love me more OR LESS.
-my sister-in-law, Kristin Baker. if you know her, i think you get the point of how much of a blessing that is.
-i have literally been depending on God E V E R Y D A Y. for some of you, this is routine. for me two weeks ago, this seemed flat out impossible.
-i wake up with a feeling of purpose again. to be honest, i haven't felt purpose since January.
-i quit lying, about STUPID LITTLE THINGS!(NEVER thought that would happen)
-God has placed two specific people in my life that i now have a responsibility of influencing. it can only be done by standing strong in my faith and building on my relationship with God and that right there is enough to get anyone excited!
-all this bitterness, all the questions i had, all the anger i had...GONE. God knew what was in store for me. us humans, we think we have to know WHY and that we can handle it. God knows why, i see that now and i wouldn't change a thing!
-i am experiencing a GOOD scared:-)
-each day now to me is actually just like birthday or christmas present.
-when i go to bed, i'm consumed in awe by how cool God is simply by how He creates life.
-the one that overwhelms my heart so much i start to cry...i have my brothers back, more so Cody.

oh man there is so much more, but those are things that have stood out to me most. i am so excited about what God has in store for this life of mine.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

are you a loving person?

i must start out by saying this...i had the honor of hearing Dr Bob TWICE in one week. once on monday at 201, which by the way INCREDIBLY cool. just when i didnt think it was possible to fall more in love with GCC and God, i did! the second blessing was thursday at New Community! i wish i could have a little DB on my shoulder just pop up every time i think...or dont think...and just start to do something stupid. how cool would that be?

anyway, about this loving person thing. as my latest bloggings have been posted, one could easily note i have been dealing/struggling with some SERIOUS bitterness, confusion, heart-breaking pain, disappointment, you name it i feel it. then of course, God comes through when I least expect it (im starting to love it by the way) through DB's message. as always i like to share the notes i jotted down from him and then some thoughts i had in between.

-Jesus never stops testing us, so we can see our hearts.
-Matthew 15:21
- mother desperate for daughter to be healed/ delivered from suffering of demons. when she comes to Jesus and his dicsiples begging for help, Jesus says NOTHING. Rather his disciples run to Him saying "Send her away, she is bothering us!"
**random thought: too many times i just assume the disciples were PERFECT, absolutely flawless. and yet, they run the their Master, OUR SAVIOR and tell him they don't want to deal with someone in need of help. I say, Lord use me! then someone is crying out for help, love, a FRIEND, and i say umm hmm yeah really DONT wanna deal with you right now. HOW DARE I!!!!
- so DB goes onto share with us he thinks the reason why Jesus says nothing is because He is just staring at His followers, watching their actions, waiting to hear their if TESTING THEM! the woman, the mother is a Gentile, apparently that "bred" wasnt cool back then which made the disciples hesitant; HOWEVER, because she comes to the LORD!! still completely with faith, He hears her cry and goes to help her. he was just wanting to see what His disciples would do.

HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN HEAVY ON MY HEART and has been very difficult for me to take. I havent been able to stop thinking about it, which was the following (word for word, Dr Bob):
"If we as a church, hear someone crying out to us and do not answer, WE ARE NOT A CHURCH. BELOVED KEEP CRYING OUT TO US!"

WOW...i'm tearing up right now. i feel so much tension within myself when i read that and replay how he delivered it. i felt like the guy was looking right at me knew my situation and was speaking what GOD has been trying to tell me. the problem is, i dont know how to take it yet.
MY NATURAL response was wanting to go back to the bitterness and i have. not as drastic, but i am so there. i had lunch THAT very thursday with someone who has within this year shown me such a great love and friendship. we were both talking about my situation, she said something that had never dawned on me and i'm afraid i took it in a way that allowed me to feed fuel to my fire. certain people- important leaders- at GCC i know have seen pictures on facebook, and im sure have heard i had fallen back into the drinking scene for a little, AND knew why i was struggling and WHY i had started doing why didn't they check up on me LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD and be there for me...LIKE THEY TOLD ME THEMSELVES AND WILLINGLY SAID THEY CARED AND WANTED TO BE THERE???? WHY DIDNT THEY HEAR MY CRY??!?!?!

THEN God stepped in through DB and pointed out the greatest hurt you will ever experience is INNER!!!

okay so i took that as well im only hurting myself, with this anger and bitterness. while at the same time im juggling the fact THEY FAILED TOO! and it HURTS ME. so all that to say im unfortunately currently stuck at HURT by them and MAD at me.

back to the message.

DB went on to say that this is all about self-sacrifice...ITS A DAILY BATTLE!
and each personality we have that wins more will determine who you become. recognize the battle and who is winning.

another, amongst many, of the reasons why i adore DB is because he always incorporates music well as much as possible in his sermons. he played Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde's confrontation. (such an amazing song with a lot of spiritual depth behind it)

then he said my favorite verse Romans 7:15,21,23
"15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me...23I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge."

SO ME!!!

i'll end with this:
sometimes we are afraid to be a loving person because we dont want to get hurt...
God throws HIMSELF
at you, knowing you will hurt HIM, and HE NEVER WALKS AWAY.

NO. i'm not a loving person, not as loving as i should be and i'm too select with who i give/ show my love to. i think my prayer for awhile will be that God opens my eyes to the unseen, that i may act on it only for His good.

Monday, June 2, 2008

past the bitterness...

James 3:14-18
"14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

James 4:1-12
"1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[b]

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"

i like the way the Message words James 4:2-6 (i know its saying the same thing but..)
"2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

i read my last post over and over and over again. i just get more enraged. yes i'm mad. yes i am VERY hurt by some decisions MY leaders made, but then i read these scriptures and KNOW it's all wrong- the way i'm going about this.

a week ago today i was told camp just isnt in the picture for me this year. so for a whole week i've been on a rampage just putting all my thoughts out there, being mad at those who get to counsel at camp, being mad at the church, and just feeling hurt.

i stayed the night at cody and kristins last night and kristin woke me up to the verses telling me "Sarah, you need to hear this. its for you"

MY quarrels are from my desires within ME! I WANT CAMP. i have wanted camp since the minute i stepped foot on campus.i wanted it then because i SAW AND FELT what GOD does there to lives open to HIM. after january, i still wanted camp for that reason, but with each month i wanted it to change me AGAIN with the kids too. james 4:4 says you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives.

so i think about what that means, then i admit without any hesitation i made some bad decisions (if you know me and care about me, you have seen the picutres on facebook). then satan does this thing that i still get sold on....he whispers "okay but what about the OTHER people they are letting counsel this year UUUUUH HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR PICTURES!!!! some of them dont even go to the church , sarah and YOU KNOW they arent living the GCC life" so i just feeeeeeeed on that. i HAVE been for weeks. comparing myself to them. its led me to more insanity! that's when james 3:13 comes in reminding me that "if you harbor bitter envy and selfish amibtionsin your heart, do not boast about it or deny the truth. such 'wisdom' is of the devil."

i'm going to try REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD to just drop this, ask God for forgivevness for my selfish ambitions, and not be mad at people. i still dont entirely agree, but you know what?, that stuff happpens everyday. if i sit around on my fat butt complaining all that happens is I GET FATTER haha. so i'm just gonna walk away from the temptation and learn and try to just get back to where i was with God.