regret

after i posted the entry below, i came across a blog entry of an old friend and in the entry read the following:

"If you died tonight with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?

Why haven't you told them yet?"


my response:
i am so sorry. not a day goes by that i dont think about them. i NEVER wanted to hurt them the way i did. i still love them all. i miss them all so much it actually makes my heart hurt. i would tell them how much i appreciate (until the day i die) the instant acceptance they showed me, the love they invested in me, the friendship they gave me, and the all the time they shared with me, as well as the faith and support they had in me.
i wish things could go back. i know they cant, but more than that, i wish so badly that what joy was taken from their lives before, would be given back to them in ways they never knew a joy existed. that their new life be filled with everything they deserve (which is more than our simple brains can imagine). that they always fully rely on God and continue to be who God intended them to be because they are one of the most amazing families i have ever met.
i literally would cry to them over and over again saying how sorry i was. however, there is one thing i would say to them knowing it was the most important if they could be told anything at all...

i would tell them i pray everyday for their forgiveness, from each and every one of them. i pray it everyday. NOT just for my sake, but so they can move on with their lives, with no more anger or hurt or resentment...or suffer through the horrible feeling of being betrayed...because i love them.


why havent i told them...?
that's between God and I. however, i have been- in a way- talking/asking God what to do with this situation in my life. it was EXACTLY what the blog entry from the other person said...what would you regret NOT telling someone? for 4 months ive been trying to figure out what to do? what to say? find sanity in the fact i will not ever be ABLE to say ANYTHING. then i found this tonight. i dont know if the people i have referred to will ever visit my blogger, but if they do, even if its years from now, they'll see this and know.

thank you God.

another "shpeel"

i saw these two girls today at work that i met through lifeline. they reminded me so much of myself when i had met them. the first girl i saw recognized me right away and it was so nice to see the excitement in her face. while i was ringing her up, another girl came up beside her- i didnt recognize her at first. she looked a little different. she's pregnant. they're cousins and not even ot of high school. now that i think back on it, the pregnant girl looked kind of embarrassed. i so badly wanted to squeeze the poo out of her and tell how proud i was of her for keeping the baby and trying to make things work. i have met and seen hundreds of kids that just hurt and struggle day to day and have no way of finding out what's really going on in their life.

when the girls left, i felt so weird. bad weird. i suddenly sunk into this lonely feeling. i started thinking about lifeline a lot. i want to go back so badly to the way everything was but i cant just jump back in. i have too many things to fix. sometimes i feel like its just too late. GCC religiously confirms its never too late to come back to God, but its so hard for me to do it. i believe it because i DO whole heartedly. i would tell anyone to just SPRINT to Him. all He wants is your heart. why is it so hard for me to do what i honestly believe?

i was driving to brothers house about 15 minutes ago and became really disgusted with myself. i want to change. i want to go back to the sarah that was SEEKING after God. who was surrounded daily by good, loving, loyal people who chased after God. i want to be relied ON, i want to be the friend people go to, who see Jesus in me.

i screwed up big time in the last 4 months. this year has been hell for me spiritually, mentally, financially - you name it. it could be MUCH worse, but im learing when YOU CHOOSE to step away from God and all that He has to offer, you become a person you absolutely hate. nothing you do is satisfying. you always want more. its sickening really. i dont want it anymore. this is the EXACT feeling i had before i moved here. its the EXACT reason why i moved here: so i could come back to God. i wanted to completely rid my life of sin and selfishness and find out what it meant to be in love with Christ.

I think, though, this time its worse than the feeling i had before.now i have had a taste of my Lord. ive felt His unconditional love, ive experienced blessing after blessing and then slowly, BUT WILLINGLY walked away from it all.

i know our God has provision we know not of, that His love is amazing steady and unchanging, that it stretches as far as the east is from the west...that i matter...through all the stupid STUPID minute by minute mistakes i make, HE JUST WANTS ME! MY HEART.

ive been talking to a friend a lot lately- kinda laying it all out there to her. she has really been helping me dig at this and show me that this is all repairable. im taking the smallest baby steps ever, but if anyone is reading this pray for me. i dont care what it is you pray FOR, just pray for me. i need it.

photogtaphs and memories

i'm just going to chalk this week up as sarah is very emotional! last night got to me a little, i think everyone should have times like that when they just break down. well anyway, i woke up this morning to the smell of cinnamon rolls! my roommate made them for me. so ate three (fat kid i know haha) with an amazing glass of milk YUUUUUUM and then i sat down to check myspace, facebook and read what i blogged last night.
anyway long story short...i found this artist almost as soon as i got online. his name is jason reeves. i would say he is on my top 5 right now. i saw a song called photographs and memories...its really good and it relates to some of the thoughts and feelings i had last night.
whenever i hear a good song it's because the lyrics captured my heart, then because the artist delivered the lyrics well and then the beat is good you know so on and so on. so anyway...i like to share lyrics so here are the lyrics and a link to his myspace page. check him out:-)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=14211432


Photographs and Memories by Jason Reeves

i keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else
you'd be.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...

writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..
and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...

i need you back, i need you back
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes
i need you dear.
cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...

i hate when movies do this...

sometimes you can’t explain or express how broken you are. life is full of so much. i’m only 21 but often i feel like i’ve lived 930472984 years plus. i’m sitting here racking my brain attemping to remember things. it’s so hard. i try for like 5 minutes, some nights i only make it 45 seconds because it always ends the same- feeling frustrated, sad, hurt, confused, an ocassional laugh, a smile here and there and then this void, this empty "thing" in my gut...

even at the age 61, my mom doesn’t know everything. how can you experience life that long and not know? we forget so easily things we see everyday or learn, or even felt. i know there are things that took place in my life i didn’t even know happened or didnt see...i.e. when my dad first held me, when i made my mom really proud, my parents being in love, when i made my brothers laugh really hard...when my family was a family together.

how about recess? snack time? birthday parties...you know i never had a brithday party when i was a young buck. i went to plenty though, from chuck e cheese to discovery zone to rollerbladding hah. what about the times you met a stranger? how random and ironic it was you just happen to meet them. or meeting that one person that one time and just by looking at them you get this...this spine tingling, goose bump experience that tells you there is something so different, so intreging, wholesome...

i wish we had this part in our brains with a tv and a vcr- not a dvd player, but an old school vcr- where you can just fastforward and rewind, replay, replay replay!!! EVERY MOMENT! can you imagine? every little thing.

Things We Lost in the Fire. my roommate rented it tonight, had no clue how much it related to me. yesterday, someone mentioned a movie to me i would have sworn on my life was my ultimate favoriest movie EVER, yet i had forgotten about it until he mentioned it - Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. it ties back to my whole memory thing...except the thing is the characters in this movie DON’T want to remeber. they actually want to forget. i remember when i felt like that. it’s because some of the memories just hurt too much. but then years, months, heck sometimes even hours pass, and then bam...i find myself saying i would GIVE, DO anything- ANYTHING- just to have that back...to be in that one place again, experience a passion i use to have, to see that one person again, to hold, to feel that person, have a conversation, hear their voice! laugh with them....

i hate when movies do this. it’s as if i have been turned upside down with all the blood rushing to my head, feeling as if its about to explode with emotion--

so much emotion.

i hate it because it makes me stop running. i may get mad and show emotion and say things giving one the impression that i’m "putting it all out there" or being too emotional...haha even annoying. the thing is...i’m not TRULY telling you how i feel, what’s really going on. i run from the truth. actually, i run so much i start running in these circles and end up running back into the truth. so i confront it. i face it. i can only deal with it for a little while though...i freak out, the minute i feel overwhelmed and start running again. i need to stop running. so i guess...

secretly, i love it when movies do this...;-)

"Except the good." - Things We Lost in the Fire.