s.e.l.f.i.s.h

all my post are ridiculously self-endulged.

sunday night i met two girls...it was not an accident i met these girls either. they broke my heart. i felt like i was sitting in front of me just 5 months ago...its really had a heavy affect on me this week.

i dont know how to help them. i want to tell them how badly im still fighting and slowly recovering from the very actions they are doing NOW, but its just going in one ear and out the other. i thought this was my strength...this was suppose to be simple; see girls do what i did and then tell them "YOU DONT WANT TO BE LIKE ME, LET ME HELP YOU PLEASE" then they change! its not working out that way.

instead, im not doing anything for them. i don't want to see or hear anymore stories about sex or heartbreak, relationships and see these kids stay in that. i want to just build this HUGE house where they can all live with me and know THEY MATTER and the decisions they are making now MATTER so make the right ones!!

i had people tell me that but that's all they did.i want to be more than a voice in their life. i want to be support and invested trust for them.

i have been pretty emotional and rather disoriented this past week..not sure where its coming from but its definitely clouding my vision for "the big scheme of things" right now.

i dont know how to defeat these thoughts, but thats b/c i have been trying to do it on my own...andi just realized it...

after all "...heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."

"Make This Go On Forever"

please don't let this turn into something it's not
i can only give you everything I've got
i can't be as sorry as you think I should
but i still love you more than anyone else could

all that i keep thinking throughout this whole flight
is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
this splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

we have got through so much worse than this before
what's so different this time that you can't ignore
you say it is much more than just my last mistake
and we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

and I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness

`frayed

i'm still trying too hard for approval. i know God will get me through this obsession for approval but man this is ridiculous. i don't want to feel this way and He knows i don't.

i was on facebook, i think i should just not get on it anymore. when old friends pop up out of nowhere and leave messages or postings of things i did or use to do...i don't know how to take it.
i have this battle...initial thoughts are: GOD PLEASE DON'T LET GCC PEOPLE SEE THIS!!! i am so afraid they see things and it hurts my "status" of working towards getting their approval.
THEN i think that's not me now, but then it was frikin' fun...then it turns into i miss those days.
NO I DON'T! i don't miss feeling worthless EVERYDAY. my friends were there to hug me when i cried or lend a Kleenex to my tear...some words of encouragement or advice, but that's not what we should have been doing. i should have just gotten over it and moved on.
i STILL should just be getting over it and moving on.

but that kid still pops in my head. at least everyday...he for some reasons hates me, he acts like i'm the most annoying thing, i bet he hasn't thought of me since we last talked. why should i care? in my heart i KNOW he isn't the one for me. shoot i just know we weren't soul mates...naturally. it would have basically taken God to really intervene in both of our lives. this is NOT to be confused with WANTING to change each other for the better. which is what we did.

its been like 4 months since i left and he completely cut me out of his life. we have communicated once and it made me hate him...and miss him terribly. there are so many things about him i didn't like, but at the end of the night i went to bed thinking there is something different about him. he wasn't tommy thats for sure but it was deeper than that. he cared about me and he wanted to make me happy. OF COURSE HE DID...EVERYONE says that, right? the difference between most girls saying that and me saying that is he SHOWED me. his actions let me know he cared about me. as much as i liked him..i cant lie i loved him. not IN LOVE but the closest ill be to love for awhile...let's say care - as much as i cared about him i can't keep denying the inevitable; his heart and my heart were pointing in different directions. we were living the same lives, sharing the same life, goals, morals, desires, music interests, romantic ideas...but not God. Not enough of God to keep us together and sincerely enjoy our relationship the way it could have potentially been.

notice that entire paragraph is in past tense. i think what i miss most is just sharing the still quiet moments in life with someone who frikin CARED! ya know, just lying there and making the world stop for just a moment; by holding each other or touching my hand to let me know he is with me and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i want that back in my life, but if i keep focusing ALL my attention and energy on God, there is NO DOUBT in my mind body spirit soul!!! ahah that He will provide that for me times 10!

i'll feel those feelings but with someone who loves God and His will, THEN me. then we will share the same heart which is so much better than sharing a lifestyle not pursuing God.

WEEEEEEEELL this blog was initially suppose to be about my struggle with the past trying to tell me i don't matter, but you see i took another direction.

it was good to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head, help to again remember that God has my life. WHO BETTER TO HAVE IT THAN HIM!?!? :-D

the "others"

for the past two weeks all i have heard is LOVE others, care for others, serve others...a.k.a. MEXICO! yello!!it couldnt get any clearer. if God is trying to show me something other than mexico i hope i dont miss it because i think i know what God wants for me. truth is...i want mexico more than anything. i cant imagine a week, a full entire week of serving the Lord 24/7. my heart is beating for that kind of fulfillment! knowing that my day was spent serving God and his people. doing something other than watching tv after working at a computer all day.; to actually dive in and get my hands into the work God needs done- mexico or benton harbor.

i was just turning pages to get to the very end of my Bible and stumbled upon 1 Corinthians 1 (whole chapter). and then mark beeson has done nothing but speak of helping others, so has corey mann, and john. EVERYONE is getting a message, a word to HELP OTHERS BECAUSE THEY MATTER TO GOD

i love God and his faith in me. NO ONE, NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS WORLD BELIEVES IN ME more than Him... why shouldn't i love Him before all else?