blame

i want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell you the reason why i'm where i'm at right now is because of you. i want you all to see me when no one is looking- see my face, hear MY thoughts, watch me cry almost every night. i want to put the blame on every one.

i want to rage. throw a fit. i feel like everyone else gets to just freak out when they want, so hey! why can't i???

yeah, ask me "how are you, sarah?" like you really want to know. if i vomited HALF of HALF of what i'm even thinking.... i'm so freaking bogged down from pure crap i can't tell what is really going on. my sense of reality has been shot.

and what happened to REAL communication and- i don't know- uh, saying what YOU"RE REALLY THINKING. just because God wants us to have patience and show kindness DOES NOT MEAN you tell me what you think i want to hear because i guarantee it's NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

the REAL people in my life, bless their hearts, keep telling me what i did was right.

i love you all, but ARE YOU SERIOUS...look at what has happened!?! how can that be right? NOTHING good has come from it.

last sunday night, i walked into the place i moved here FOR and felt completely, COMPLETELY UNWANTED. hmmmm. the ONE place that made sense is unwelcoming to me now?? how did that happen? what difference did i make? what kind of impact did i put in your life? wow- you don't even notice i'm gone. at times i think i'm imagining it. like it's just my own guilt skewing my thoughts, but then i see you all in your little clicks, like high school all over again- laughing, telling stories, going on with your happy little blessed lives. oh i'm sure you have bad days, but i mean come on look at your nice clothes, fancy cars, the pleasure of having ANY money. i can't help but wonder...must be nice to have your life under control.

so yeah i'm jealous. i'm ticked. i'm mad that this always happens. i start to make progress and then i GO BACK. i keep going back. "back" is hard to explain what it is exactly but i can tell you this....when i go back i run far far far far away from God and his people, willingly. AND it never fails, it's all because of ONE tragedy, be it big or small, but i convince myself i can't handle and that i was stupid to think i deserved all the GOOD without bad and then i wind up HERE. where i am now.

then i have days like this...where i hate myself so much that it's easier to blame you all. that way, i get this little break from me. because who i am right now is nothing but ugliness- pure bitterness, guilt, and hurt feelings. my friends keep saying im praying for you, and they are. i know they are. and i kind of believe they care as much as they say they do, but how do i tell them that they are wasting their time and energy. that i DON'T know how to respond to their kindness.?!?!? how do i tell them they are better off leaving me alone until i move out this apartment and KNOW i'm not hated by a family i sincerely miss and care about???

i'm not going to change. not for awhile. it's too hard right now. i've walked too far away this time. when i've had the opportunities like camp TWICE, MOVE07 AND MEXICO where my feet where washed, and then being BAPTIZED in september, let alone anything that dealt with GCC and i STILL choose to walk away from God...you might as well chalk me up as a lost cause. i don't understand why would even care to TRY with someone like me.

i could go rant and rave for hours, but i'm already feeling kind of guilty for writing what i did...but i just want someone to read this and know i am aware of what you see or think of me on the outside looking in, but you have no idea so maybe reading this, you'll just see i'm bitter and need prayer. however, any reader takes this please know i do know i am to blame. no one else but me.

catchingup

i finally got a thursday off! i started vanity the last week of march and have had to close EVERY thursday night!! so of course i went to NEW COMMUNITY! duurh. anyway...during the service - i sat with skoutz and the keims:)- i went to open my journal (a birthday gift from a very VERY dear friend) and noted my last entry was from april 3rd!- coincidentily a thursday night service, a little over a month ago...sad song. Papa Beeson himself was the speaker (quite the bonus to a month of no NC). he basically spoke about our expanding GCC to other cities around Granger, such as Elkhart and Niles..there are more cant remember them tho...anywho he said something that caught my heart :

"Put your eyes on Christ, FLING yourself onto Him and into the purpose of heaven."

that mark beeson- he sure is something amazing!

then he went on to read some scripture:
Psalm 130:1-8
1Help GOD- the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master hear my cry for help!2Listen hard! Open your eyes! Listen to my cries for mercy...6My life's on the line before GOD, my Lord...7Oh wait and watch for GOD- with GOD's arrival comes love, with GOD's arrical comes generous redemption.

pretty flippin sweet if you ask me.

after service i went out to eat with some friends that use to be a big part of my life..just six months ago. we went to hacienda. so much fun. we all had some catching up to do. im very blessed to still have them in my life. they definitely showcase GOD's unconditional love and acceptance in their friendships they share with me and it's fantastic!

i'm considering tonight as a catch up night. i got some NC back in my life along with some great times with terrific and beautiful people. that's all i have for this entry! i have more to write but different topics!

i t s y o u r w o r l d

went to the last lifeline. dc spoke. things he said that caught my atention.

-God can emphasize with us.
-Sometimes we think other people live in this whole other world.
(i instantly thought wow i do that all the time with dc and the keims and beeson all the SMT i call that other world easy to be a christian.)
-God knows what I'm feeling, what i'm thinking, WHAT I'M DOING. He still just wants my heart.
-Challenge yourself with the patterns and habits by FACING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DICTATING MY LIFE!!! (naturally i freaked out when he said FACING THEM)
-how many times have i been ont he edge to God's promise, His plan, His will and I JUST WALK AWAY?!?!
-where are you going, based on where you have been?
-randomly get discouraged by this thought "GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD...but i'm not."

I N C O N S I S T A N T

why does my motivation go? why does my heart forget what God puts on it?

F A I L U R E

why do i make promises or these deals with God i can't keep?

-as i was thinking those thoughts, i started to focus back on the message and DC said "we all have leaky buckets". you know we all have holes where we drip a little.
-Duet. 7:7
-have you ever felt like God has clearly brought you out of a hole or a situation bigger than you?
-REMEMBER THAT TIME, REMEMBER GOD WAS WITH YOU.
-NO SITUATION, NO PERSON GOD cant deliver you from.

SOOO yeah we know God sent His son to die on the cross for OUR sins so that we can be forgiven, BUT just in going to Jesus does not mean He snaps His fingers and life is easy. I STILL HAVE MY HABITS!! What God WILL DO is provide a way to overcome evil!!

Duet. 7:17
-God wants to get in my dirt and HELP me get like Jesus!

So then God helped me realize this....
He doesnt just sit down. He knows we feel like we cant win, that sometimes we feel its bigger than us and even Him. BUT MAN if i want help, I HAVE TO LET HIM!!!

*God wants to clean my room, so i can't keep closing my door on Him*

God never has nor will He abondon me, so WHY DO I DO IT ALL THE TIME?!?!?
WHY DO I KNOW WHAT"S WRONG AND STILL DO IT!?!!?

God changes us LITTLE BY LITTLE. BABY STEPS SARAH! That's ALL i did when i first moved here. NOTHING, NOT ONE THING i did was EASY. i forgot how much of a struggle it was at first.
Maybe the reason why God changes us little by little is because its the only way we learn to rely on Him.

DC closed with this:
sometimes all we do is focus on the leasks in our buckets. what i need to do is see where i was before i moved here for GCCband measure my growth. (november 4, 2006- now)

i want my heart to break with what breaks God's.