"I, I AM THE ONE COMFORTING YOU.
What are you afraid of—or who?"
Monday, October 20, 2008
moments of fear lead you to searching
im stuck again and trying to pretend and try play this feeling over and over again to avoid the hard part. i did something that i havent done in awhile though this time tonight. i turned to God. i looked at notes i kept and thoughts i wrote down from last summer and just as i knew would happen...answers, comfort.
-Jesus called over to a child whom stood in the middle of the room and said:
"Unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me...Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse..."
-"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
-"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ."
-"DONT FOOL YOURSELF!
BE GOD'S FOOL- that's the path to true wisdom!"
"deciding not to decide is a decision..."
-Jesus called over to a child whom stood in the middle of the room and said:
"Unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me...Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse..."
-"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
-"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ."
-"DONT FOOL YOURSELF!
BE GOD'S FOOL- that's the path to true wisdom!"
"deciding not to decide is a decision..."
Monday, July 21, 2008
who you will become
i speak words of faith over you every minute of every day. my prayer is you grow up in this world with eyes open and aware to all that surrounds you, a heart always wanting to love, a mind that never stops wondering, and that you possess a passion stronger than Sampson himself for your Savior. You are constantly in my thoughts and you have completely captured my heart. I'm in for a long and joyous haul with you little one :-).
My mind has not stopped running. You have me in a marathon and I am forever thankful for saving me and showing me how to truly rely on God- to take Him in as my Father and friend. What I am most excited for is to see and be apart of what God has for you. The God that gave you me, that makes your very little heart race at 167 beats! My goodness I will never grasp how He created such a masterpiece, such a creation like you in me.
I dream of holding you in my arms for the very first time, touching your little fingers, those little toes...my beautiful blessing. When you open your eyes and we finally see each other for the first time, my heart gets so excited at the thought I sometimes fear it might burst:-)
I do have my fears. No, they are not of if you have my jaw or what pain I will experience, more so what you chose to do with the life God has given you. You will make mistakes, you will get hurt, you will hurt others, you will lie, and you will fail at things, BUT you will ALWAYS be victorious if you choose to make yourself a daily living sacrifice to God. You have no idea what that entails and you honestly probably wont until YEARS from now, but I promise, you will see a servant of the Lord in your mother.
I unfortunately can not predict your life: what great things you will do, your grades, if you play sports or even if you are musically inclined, but I do know without a doubt, who you will become will always be loved by me and there is nothing- NOTHING- you will do that will make God love you more or love you less.
Friday, July 11, 2008
camp, move07, camp, mexic07
- the second week of camp is ending in just hours.
- they did flips off the high dives tonight after celebrating with dance the weeks commitment to Christ...
- move07...qhwn i decided my heart was in it for HS AND MIDDLE SCHOOL...working within the community...connecting.
- mexico...getting my feet washed.
- baptized by Mark Beeson.
- my heart literally aches at times not being able to be apart of it again this summer
- not sure if i wanna go back to the way everything was last year though...?
been thinking a lot about those involved this year. that they stick with GOD and NEVER forget what they experienced and how they FELT GOD.
**dirty and left out by the almost
- they did flips off the high dives tonight after celebrating with dance the weeks commitment to Christ...
- move07...qhwn i decided my heart was in it for HS AND MIDDLE SCHOOL...working within the community...connecting.
- mexico...getting my feet washed.
- baptized by Mark Beeson.
- my heart literally aches at times not being able to be apart of it again this summer
- not sure if i wanna go back to the way everything was last year though...?
been thinking a lot about those involved this year. that they stick with GOD and NEVER forget what they experienced and how they FELT GOD.
**dirty and left out by the almost
Amazing Because It Is
i found a song i knew over a year ago. last year, corey mann spoke (one of the many great times) and then requested this song be performed by trace and the gang with some lifeline kids singing along. i remembered how much i felt GOD that entire song. the way the light hit the kids that were on stage and they were so strong in voice...for God. def one of my top ten favoritest memories EVER.
this song i think describes me perfectly...and i'm sure thousands of other lives.
Amazing Because It Is by the Almost
I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
See
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
I just wanna see
I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
this song i think describes me perfectly...and i'm sure thousands of other lives.
Amazing Because It Is by the Almost
I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
See
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
I just wanna see
I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
Friday, June 27, 2008
shout out to the sister-in-law!
you are quite the faithful blogger and i know you will read this so hear it is love!
once again you have blown me away with your love- GOD's love. kristin, please know, you truly are the best friend I have EVER had. you in fact give the word "BEST FRIEND" an entirely deeper definition. sometimes in saying best friend and your name makes best friend seem so inadequate. you're more than a few laughs, more than an occasional hug, more than the average hey how are ya? you are just real. i can honestly say there are SEVERAL SEVERAL people who agree with me when saying hands down you are beyond words. other than mom i have never meet ANYONE that shows and has so much UNCONDITIONAL love. i have been thanking God EVERY chance i get that i get to model after you! your determination to be an amazing wife, your integrity to be an extraordinary mom, and your PASSION, your heart that beats so fast and chases after God. i haven't even started on how creative and smart you are! i could write a book about you. some would probably think it fictitious though, because you are so flipping phenomenal, you seem too good to be true;-). it would change lives. actually you have changed lives as a teacher and now as a staff member of GCC. you are just too cool, seeeester.
thank you so much for being you. how often do you hear that? the thing is though, with you it doesn't get more honest. i love you!
once again you have blown me away with your love- GOD's love. kristin, please know, you truly are the best friend I have EVER had. you in fact give the word "BEST FRIEND" an entirely deeper definition. sometimes in saying best friend and your name makes best friend seem so inadequate. you're more than a few laughs, more than an occasional hug, more than the average hey how are ya? you are just real. i can honestly say there are SEVERAL SEVERAL people who agree with me when saying hands down you are beyond words. other than mom i have never meet ANYONE that shows and has so much UNCONDITIONAL love. i have been thanking God EVERY chance i get that i get to model after you! your determination to be an amazing wife, your integrity to be an extraordinary mom, and your PASSION, your heart that beats so fast and chases after God. i haven't even started on how creative and smart you are! i could write a book about you. some would probably think it fictitious though, because you are so flipping phenomenal, you seem too good to be true;-). it would change lives. actually you have changed lives as a teacher and now as a staff member of GCC. you are just too cool, seeeester.
thank you so much for being you. how often do you hear that? the thing is though, with you it doesn't get more honest. i love you!
blessed with love, grace, and affirmation
Two weeks ago to this day, my world was literally turned downside UP in THE BEST way possible.
The following has taken place from June 13th and on:
-God turned my sin into a direct gift to me from Him.
-God has daily shown me His excitement for me, FOR WHO I AM and WHO I WILL BECOME, through family and friends who love just as deep as family.
-i am surrounded, ABSOLUTELY SURROUNDED, by grace and have quite possibly the best support group ever.
-Mark Beeson said himself, there is nothing we can do that will make God or His true followers (including himself) love me more OR LESS.
-my sister-in-law, Kristin Baker. if you know her, i think you get the point of how much of a blessing that is.
-i have literally been depending on God E V E R Y D A Y. for some of you, this is routine. for me two weeks ago, this seemed flat out impossible.
-i wake up with a feeling of purpose again. to be honest, i haven't felt purpose since January.
-i quit lying, about STUPID LITTLE THINGS!(NEVER thought that would happen)
-God has placed two specific people in my life that i now have a responsibility of influencing. it can only be done by standing strong in my faith and building on my relationship with God and that right there is enough to get anyone excited!
-all this bitterness, all the questions i had, all the anger i had...GONE. God knew what was in store for me. us humans, we think we have to know WHY and that we can handle it. God knows why, i see that now and i wouldn't change a thing!
-i am experiencing a GOOD scared:-)
-each day now to me is actually just like birthday or christmas present.
-when i go to bed, i'm consumed in awe by how cool God is simply by how He creates life.
-the one that overwhelms my heart so much i start to cry...i have my brothers back, more so Cody.
oh man there is so much more, but those are things that have stood out to me most. i am so excited about what God has in store for this life of mine.
The following has taken place from June 13th and on:
-God turned my sin into a direct gift to me from Him.
-God has daily shown me His excitement for me, FOR WHO I AM and WHO I WILL BECOME, through family and friends who love just as deep as family.
-i am surrounded, ABSOLUTELY SURROUNDED, by grace and have quite possibly the best support group ever.
-Mark Beeson said himself, there is nothing we can do that will make God or His true followers (including himself) love me more OR LESS.
-my sister-in-law, Kristin Baker. if you know her, i think you get the point of how much of a blessing that is.
-i have literally been depending on God E V E R Y D A Y. for some of you, this is routine. for me two weeks ago, this seemed flat out impossible.
-i wake up with a feeling of purpose again. to be honest, i haven't felt purpose since January.
-i quit lying, about STUPID LITTLE THINGS!(NEVER thought that would happen)
-God has placed two specific people in my life that i now have a responsibility of influencing. it can only be done by standing strong in my faith and building on my relationship with God and that right there is enough to get anyone excited!
-all this bitterness, all the questions i had, all the anger i had...GONE. God knew what was in store for me. us humans, we think we have to know WHY and that we can handle it. God knows why, i see that now and i wouldn't change a thing!
-i am experiencing a GOOD scared:-)
-each day now to me is actually just like birthday or christmas present.
-when i go to bed, i'm consumed in awe by how cool God is simply by how He creates life.
-the one that overwhelms my heart so much i start to cry...i have my brothers back, more so Cody.
oh man there is so much more, but those are things that have stood out to me most. i am so excited about what God has in store for this life of mine.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
are you a loving person?
i must start out by saying this...i had the honor of hearing Dr Bob TWICE in one week. once on monday at 201, which by the way INCREDIBLY cool. just when i didnt think it was possible to fall more in love with GCC and God, i did! the second blessing was thursday at New Community! i wish i could have a little DB on my shoulder just pop up every time i think...or dont think...and just start to do something stupid. how cool would that be?
anyway, about this loving person thing. as my latest bloggings have been posted, one could easily note i have been dealing/struggling with some SERIOUS bitterness, confusion, heart-breaking pain, disappointment, you name it i feel it. then of course, God comes through when I least expect it (im starting to love it by the way) through DB's message. as always i like to share the notes i jotted down from him and then some thoughts i had in between.
-Jesus never stops testing us, so we can see our hearts.
-Matthew 15:21
- mother desperate for daughter to be healed/ delivered from suffering of demons. when she comes to Jesus and his dicsiples begging for help, Jesus says NOTHING. Rather his disciples run to Him saying "Send her away, she is bothering us!"
**random thought: too many times i just assume the disciples were PERFECT, absolutely flawless. and yet, they run the their Master, OUR SAVIOR and tell him they don't want to deal with someone in need of help. I say, Lord use me! then someone is crying out for help, love, a FRIEND, and i say umm hmm yeah really DONT wanna deal with you right now. HOW DARE I!!!!
- so DB goes onto share with us he thinks the reason why Jesus says nothing is because He is just staring at His followers, watching their actions, waiting to hear their words..as if TESTING THEM! the woman, the mother is a Gentile, apparently that "bred" wasnt cool back then which made the disciples hesitant; HOWEVER, because she comes to the LORD!! still completely with faith, He hears her cry and goes to help her. he was just wanting to see what His disciples would do.
HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN HEAVY ON MY HEART and has been very difficult for me to take. I havent been able to stop thinking about it, which was the following (word for word, Dr Bob):
"If we as a church, hear someone crying out to us and do not answer, WE ARE NOT A CHURCH. BELOVED KEEP CRYING OUT TO US!"
WOW...i'm tearing up right now. i feel so much tension within myself when i read that and replay how he delivered it. i felt like the guy was looking right at me knew my situation and was speaking what GOD has been trying to tell me. the problem is, i dont know how to take it yet.
MY NATURAL response was wanting to go back to the bitterness and i have. not as drastic, but i am so there. i had lunch THAT very thursday with someone who has within this year shown me such a great love and friendship. we were both talking about my situation, she said something that had never dawned on me and i'm afraid i took it in a way that allowed me to feed fuel to my fire. certain people- important leaders- at GCC i know have seen pictures on facebook, and im sure have heard i had fallen back into the drinking scene for a little, AND knew why i was struggling and WHY i had started doing it...so why didn't they check up on me LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD and be there for me...LIKE THEY TOLD ME THEMSELVES AND WILLINGLY SAID THEY CARED AND WANTED TO BE THERE???? WHY DIDNT THEY HEAR MY CRY??!?!?!
THEN God stepped in through DB and pointed out the greatest hurt you will ever experience is INNER!!!
okay so i took that as well im only hurting myself, with this anger and bitterness. while at the same time im juggling the fact THEY FAILED TOO! and it HURTS ME. so all that to say im unfortunately currently stuck at HURT by them and MAD at me.
back to the message.
DB went on to say that this is all about self-sacrifice...ITS A DAILY BATTLE!
and each personality we have that wins more will determine who you become. recognize the battle and who is winning.
another, amongst many, of the reasons why i adore DB is because he always incorporates music well as much as possible in his sermons. he played Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde's confrontation. (such an amazing song with a lot of spiritual depth behind it)
then he said my favorite verse Romans 7:15,21,23
"15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me...23I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge."
SO ME!!!
i'll end with this:
sometimes we are afraid to be a loving person because we dont want to get hurt...
God throws HIMSELF
H E A R T
S O U L
M I N D
at you, knowing you will hurt HIM, and HE NEVER WALKS AWAY.
NO. i'm not a loving person, not as loving as i should be and i'm too select with who i give/ show my love to. i think my prayer for awhile will be that God opens my eyes to the unseen, that i may act on it only for His good.
anyway, about this loving person thing. as my latest bloggings have been posted, one could easily note i have been dealing/struggling with some SERIOUS bitterness, confusion, heart-breaking pain, disappointment, you name it i feel it. then of course, God comes through when I least expect it (im starting to love it by the way) through DB's message. as always i like to share the notes i jotted down from him and then some thoughts i had in between.
-Jesus never stops testing us, so we can see our hearts.
-Matthew 15:21
- mother desperate for daughter to be healed/ delivered from suffering of demons. when she comes to Jesus and his dicsiples begging for help, Jesus says NOTHING. Rather his disciples run to Him saying "Send her away, she is bothering us!"
**random thought: too many times i just assume the disciples were PERFECT, absolutely flawless. and yet, they run the their Master, OUR SAVIOR and tell him they don't want to deal with someone in need of help. I say, Lord use me! then someone is crying out for help, love, a FRIEND, and i say umm hmm yeah really DONT wanna deal with you right now. HOW DARE I!!!!
- so DB goes onto share with us he thinks the reason why Jesus says nothing is because He is just staring at His followers, watching their actions, waiting to hear their words..as if TESTING THEM! the woman, the mother is a Gentile, apparently that "bred" wasnt cool back then which made the disciples hesitant; HOWEVER, because she comes to the LORD!! still completely with faith, He hears her cry and goes to help her. he was just wanting to see what His disciples would do.
HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN HEAVY ON MY HEART and has been very difficult for me to take. I havent been able to stop thinking about it, which was the following (word for word, Dr Bob):
"If we as a church, hear someone crying out to us and do not answer, WE ARE NOT A CHURCH. BELOVED KEEP CRYING OUT TO US!"
WOW...i'm tearing up right now. i feel so much tension within myself when i read that and replay how he delivered it. i felt like the guy was looking right at me knew my situation and was speaking what GOD has been trying to tell me. the problem is, i dont know how to take it yet.
MY NATURAL response was wanting to go back to the bitterness and i have. not as drastic, but i am so there. i had lunch THAT very thursday with someone who has within this year shown me such a great love and friendship. we were both talking about my situation, she said something that had never dawned on me and i'm afraid i took it in a way that allowed me to feed fuel to my fire. certain people- important leaders- at GCC i know have seen pictures on facebook, and im sure have heard i had fallen back into the drinking scene for a little, AND knew why i was struggling and WHY i had started doing it...so why didn't they check up on me LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD and be there for me...LIKE THEY TOLD ME THEMSELVES AND WILLINGLY SAID THEY CARED AND WANTED TO BE THERE???? WHY DIDNT THEY HEAR MY CRY??!?!?!
THEN God stepped in through DB and pointed out the greatest hurt you will ever experience is INNER!!!
okay so i took that as well im only hurting myself, with this anger and bitterness. while at the same time im juggling the fact THEY FAILED TOO! and it HURTS ME. so all that to say im unfortunately currently stuck at HURT by them and MAD at me.
back to the message.
DB went on to say that this is all about self-sacrifice...ITS A DAILY BATTLE!
and each personality we have that wins more will determine who you become. recognize the battle and who is winning.
another, amongst many, of the reasons why i adore DB is because he always incorporates music well as much as possible in his sermons. he played Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde's confrontation. (such an amazing song with a lot of spiritual depth behind it)
then he said my favorite verse Romans 7:15,21,23
"15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me...23I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge."
SO ME!!!
i'll end with this:
sometimes we are afraid to be a loving person because we dont want to get hurt...
God throws HIMSELF
H E A R T
S O U L
M I N D
at you, knowing you will hurt HIM, and HE NEVER WALKS AWAY.
NO. i'm not a loving person, not as loving as i should be and i'm too select with who i give/ show my love to. i think my prayer for awhile will be that God opens my eyes to the unseen, that i may act on it only for His good.
Monday, June 2, 2008
past the bitterness...
James 3:14-18
"14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
James 4:1-12
"1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[b]
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"
i like the way the Message words James 4:2-6 (i know its saying the same thing but..)
"2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
i read my last post over and over and over again. i just get more enraged. yes i'm mad. yes i am VERY hurt by some decisions MY leaders made, but then i read these scriptures and KNOW it's all wrong- the way i'm going about this.
a week ago today i was told camp just isnt in the picture for me this year. so for a whole week i've been on a rampage just putting all my thoughts out there, being mad at those who get to counsel at camp, being mad at the church, and just feeling hurt.
i stayed the night at cody and kristins last night and kristin woke me up to the verses telling me "Sarah, you need to hear this. its for you"
MY quarrels are from my desires within ME! I WANT CAMP. i have wanted camp since the minute i stepped foot on campus.i wanted it then because i SAW AND FELT what GOD does there to lives open to HIM. after january, i still wanted camp for that reason, but with each month i wanted it to change me AGAIN with the kids too. james 4:4 says you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives.
so i think about what that means, then i admit without any hesitation i made some bad decisions (if you know me and care about me, you have seen the picutres on facebook). then satan does this thing that i still get sold on....he whispers "okay but what about the OTHER people they are letting counsel this year UUUUUH HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR PICTURES!!!! some of them dont even go to the church , sarah and YOU KNOW they arent living the GCC life" so i just feeeeeeeed on that. i HAVE been for weeks. comparing myself to them. its led me to more insanity! that's when james 3:13 comes in reminding me that "if you harbor bitter envy and selfish amibtionsin your heart, do not boast about it or deny the truth. such 'wisdom' is of the devil."
i'm going to try REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD to just drop this, ask God for forgivevness for my selfish ambitions, and not be mad at people. i still dont entirely agree, but you know what?, that stuff happpens everyday. if i sit around on my fat butt complaining all that happens is I GET FATTER haha. so i'm just gonna walk away from the temptation and learn and try to just get back to where i was with God.
"14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
James 4:1-12
"1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[b]
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"
i like the way the Message words James 4:2-6 (i know its saying the same thing but..)
"2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
i read my last post over and over and over again. i just get more enraged. yes i'm mad. yes i am VERY hurt by some decisions MY leaders made, but then i read these scriptures and KNOW it's all wrong- the way i'm going about this.
a week ago today i was told camp just isnt in the picture for me this year. so for a whole week i've been on a rampage just putting all my thoughts out there, being mad at those who get to counsel at camp, being mad at the church, and just feeling hurt.
i stayed the night at cody and kristins last night and kristin woke me up to the verses telling me "Sarah, you need to hear this. its for you"
MY quarrels are from my desires within ME! I WANT CAMP. i have wanted camp since the minute i stepped foot on campus.i wanted it then because i SAW AND FELT what GOD does there to lives open to HIM. after january, i still wanted camp for that reason, but with each month i wanted it to change me AGAIN with the kids too. james 4:4 says you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives.
so i think about what that means, then i admit without any hesitation i made some bad decisions (if you know me and care about me, you have seen the picutres on facebook). then satan does this thing that i still get sold on....he whispers "okay but what about the OTHER people they are letting counsel this year UUUUUH HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR PICTURES!!!! some of them dont even go to the church , sarah and YOU KNOW they arent living the GCC life" so i just feeeeeeeed on that. i HAVE been for weeks. comparing myself to them. its led me to more insanity! that's when james 3:13 comes in reminding me that "if you harbor bitter envy and selfish amibtionsin your heart, do not boast about it or deny the truth. such 'wisdom' is of the devil."
i'm going to try REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD to just drop this, ask God for forgivevness for my selfish ambitions, and not be mad at people. i still dont entirely agree, but you know what?, that stuff happpens everyday. if i sit around on my fat butt complaining all that happens is I GET FATTER haha. so i'm just gonna walk away from the temptation and learn and try to just get back to where i was with God.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
blame
i want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell you the reason why i'm where i'm at right now is because of you. i want you all to see me when no one is looking- see my face, hear MY thoughts, watch me cry almost every night. i want to put the blame on every one.
i want to rage. throw a fit. i feel like everyone else gets to just freak out when they want, so hey! why can't i???
yeah, ask me "how are you, sarah?" like you really want to know. if i vomited HALF of HALF of what i'm even thinking.... i'm so freaking bogged down from pure crap i can't tell what is really going on. my sense of reality has been shot.
and what happened to REAL communication and- i don't know- uh, saying what YOU"RE REALLY THINKING. just because God wants us to have patience and show kindness DOES NOT MEAN you tell me what you think i want to hear because i guarantee it's NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
the REAL people in my life, bless their hearts, keep telling me what i did was right.
i love you all, but ARE YOU SERIOUS...look at what has happened!?! how can that be right? NOTHING good has come from it.
last sunday night, i walked into the place i moved here FOR and felt completely, COMPLETELY UNWANTED. hmmmm. the ONE place that made sense is unwelcoming to me now?? how did that happen? what difference did i make? what kind of impact did i put in your life? wow- you don't even notice i'm gone. at times i think i'm imagining it. like it's just my own guilt skewing my thoughts, but then i see you all in your little clicks, like high school all over again- laughing, telling stories, going on with your happy little blessed lives. oh i'm sure you have bad days, but i mean come on look at your nice clothes, fancy cars, the pleasure of having ANY money. i can't help but wonder...must be nice to have your life under control.
so yeah i'm jealous. i'm ticked. i'm mad that this always happens. i start to make progress and then i GO BACK. i keep going back. "back" is hard to explain what it is exactly but i can tell you this....when i go back i run far far far far away from God and his people, willingly. AND it never fails, it's all because of ONE tragedy, be it big or small, but i convince myself i can't handle and that i was stupid to think i deserved all the GOOD without bad and then i wind up HERE. where i am now.
then i have days like this...where i hate myself so much that it's easier to blame you all. that way, i get this little break from me. because who i am right now is nothing but ugliness- pure bitterness, guilt, and hurt feelings. my friends keep saying im praying for you, and they are. i know they are. and i kind of believe they care as much as they say they do, but how do i tell them that they are wasting their time and energy. that i DON'T know how to respond to their kindness.?!?!? how do i tell them they are better off leaving me alone until i move out this apartment and KNOW i'm not hated by a family i sincerely miss and care about???
i'm not going to change. not for awhile. it's too hard right now. i've walked too far away this time. when i've had the opportunities like camp TWICE, MOVE07 AND MEXICO where my feet where washed, and then being BAPTIZED in september, let alone anything that dealt with GCC and i STILL choose to walk away from God...you might as well chalk me up as a lost cause. i don't understand why would even care to TRY with someone like me.
i could go rant and rave for hours, but i'm already feeling kind of guilty for writing what i did...but i just want someone to read this and know i am aware of what you see or think of me on the outside looking in, but you have no idea so maybe reading this, you'll just see i'm bitter and need prayer. however, any reader takes this please know i do know i am to blame. no one else but me.
i want to rage. throw a fit. i feel like everyone else gets to just freak out when they want, so hey! why can't i???
yeah, ask me "how are you, sarah?" like you really want to know. if i vomited HALF of HALF of what i'm even thinking.... i'm so freaking bogged down from pure crap i can't tell what is really going on. my sense of reality has been shot.
and what happened to REAL communication and- i don't know- uh, saying what YOU"RE REALLY THINKING. just because God wants us to have patience and show kindness DOES NOT MEAN you tell me what you think i want to hear because i guarantee it's NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
the REAL people in my life, bless their hearts, keep telling me what i did was right.
i love you all, but ARE YOU SERIOUS...look at what has happened!?! how can that be right? NOTHING good has come from it.
last sunday night, i walked into the place i moved here FOR and felt completely, COMPLETELY UNWANTED. hmmmm. the ONE place that made sense is unwelcoming to me now?? how did that happen? what difference did i make? what kind of impact did i put in your life? wow- you don't even notice i'm gone. at times i think i'm imagining it. like it's just my own guilt skewing my thoughts, but then i see you all in your little clicks, like high school all over again- laughing, telling stories, going on with your happy little blessed lives. oh i'm sure you have bad days, but i mean come on look at your nice clothes, fancy cars, the pleasure of having ANY money. i can't help but wonder...must be nice to have your life under control.
so yeah i'm jealous. i'm ticked. i'm mad that this always happens. i start to make progress and then i GO BACK. i keep going back. "back" is hard to explain what it is exactly but i can tell you this....when i go back i run far far far far away from God and his people, willingly. AND it never fails, it's all because of ONE tragedy, be it big or small, but i convince myself i can't handle and that i was stupid to think i deserved all the GOOD without bad and then i wind up HERE. where i am now.
then i have days like this...where i hate myself so much that it's easier to blame you all. that way, i get this little break from me. because who i am right now is nothing but ugliness- pure bitterness, guilt, and hurt feelings. my friends keep saying im praying for you, and they are. i know they are. and i kind of believe they care as much as they say they do, but how do i tell them that they are wasting their time and energy. that i DON'T know how to respond to their kindness.?!?!? how do i tell them they are better off leaving me alone until i move out this apartment and KNOW i'm not hated by a family i sincerely miss and care about???
i'm not going to change. not for awhile. it's too hard right now. i've walked too far away this time. when i've had the opportunities like camp TWICE, MOVE07 AND MEXICO where my feet where washed, and then being BAPTIZED in september, let alone anything that dealt with GCC and i STILL choose to walk away from God...you might as well chalk me up as a lost cause. i don't understand why would even care to TRY with someone like me.
i could go rant and rave for hours, but i'm already feeling kind of guilty for writing what i did...but i just want someone to read this and know i am aware of what you see or think of me on the outside looking in, but you have no idea so maybe reading this, you'll just see i'm bitter and need prayer. however, any reader takes this please know i do know i am to blame. no one else but me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
catchingup
i finally got a thursday off! i started vanity the last week of march and have had to close EVERY thursday night!! so of course i went to NEW COMMUNITY! duurh. anyway...during the service - i sat with skoutz and the keims:)- i went to open my journal (a birthday gift from a very VERY dear friend) and noted my last entry was from april 3rd!- coincidentily a thursday night service, a little over a month ago...sad song. Papa Beeson himself was the speaker (quite the bonus to a month of no NC). he basically spoke about our expanding GCC to other cities around Granger, such as Elkhart and Niles..there are more cant remember them tho...anywho he said something that caught my heart :
"Put your eyes on Christ, FLING yourself onto Him and into the purpose of heaven."
that mark beeson- he sure is something amazing!
then he went on to read some scripture:
Psalm 130:1-8
1Help GOD- the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master hear my cry for help!2Listen hard! Open your eyes! Listen to my cries for mercy...6My life's on the line before GOD, my Lord...7Oh wait and watch for GOD- with GOD's arrival comes love, with GOD's arrical comes generous redemption.
pretty flippin sweet if you ask me.
after service i went out to eat with some friends that use to be a big part of my life..just six months ago. we went to hacienda. so much fun. we all had some catching up to do. im very blessed to still have them in my life. they definitely showcase GOD's unconditional love and acceptance in their friendships they share with me and it's fantastic!
i'm considering tonight as a catch up night. i got some NC back in my life along with some great times with terrific and beautiful people. that's all i have for this entry! i have more to write but different topics!
"Put your eyes on Christ, FLING yourself onto Him and into the purpose of heaven."
that mark beeson- he sure is something amazing!
then he went on to read some scripture:
Psalm 130:1-8
1Help GOD- the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master hear my cry for help!2Listen hard! Open your eyes! Listen to my cries for mercy...6My life's on the line before GOD, my Lord...7Oh wait and watch for GOD- with GOD's arrival comes love, with GOD's arrical comes generous redemption.
pretty flippin sweet if you ask me.
after service i went out to eat with some friends that use to be a big part of my life..just six months ago. we went to hacienda. so much fun. we all had some catching up to do. im very blessed to still have them in my life. they definitely showcase GOD's unconditional love and acceptance in their friendships they share with me and it's fantastic!
i'm considering tonight as a catch up night. i got some NC back in my life along with some great times with terrific and beautiful people. that's all i have for this entry! i have more to write but different topics!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
i t s y o u r w o r l d
went to the last lifeline. dc spoke. things he said that caught my atention.
-God can emphasize with us.
-Sometimes we think other people live in this whole other world.
(i instantly thought wow i do that all the time with dc and the keims and beeson all the SMT i call that other world easy to be a christian.)
-God knows what I'm feeling, what i'm thinking, WHAT I'M DOING. He still just wants my heart.
-Challenge yourself with the patterns and habits by FACING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DICTATING MY LIFE!!! (naturally i freaked out when he said FACING THEM)
-how many times have i been ont he edge to God's promise, His plan, His will and I JUST WALK AWAY?!?!
-where are you going, based on where you have been?
-randomly get discouraged by this thought "GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD...but i'm not."
I N C O N S I S T A N T
why does my motivation go? why does my heart forget what God puts on it?
F A I L U R E
why do i make promises or these deals with God i can't keep?
-as i was thinking those thoughts, i started to focus back on the message and DC said "we all have leaky buckets". you know we all have holes where we drip a little.
-Duet. 7:7
-have you ever felt like God has clearly brought you out of a hole or a situation bigger than you?
-REMEMBER THAT TIME, REMEMBER GOD WAS WITH YOU.
-NO SITUATION, NO PERSON GOD cant deliver you from.
SOOO yeah we know God sent His son to die on the cross for OUR sins so that we can be forgiven, BUT just in going to Jesus does not mean He snaps His fingers and life is easy. I STILL HAVE MY HABITS!! What God WILL DO is provide a way to overcome evil!!
Duet. 7:17
-God wants to get in my dirt and HELP me get like Jesus!
So then God helped me realize this....
He doesnt just sit down. He knows we feel like we cant win, that sometimes we feel its bigger than us and even Him. BUT MAN if i want help, I HAVE TO LET HIM!!!
*God wants to clean my room, so i can't keep closing my door on Him*
God never has nor will He abondon me, so WHY DO I DO IT ALL THE TIME?!?!?
WHY DO I KNOW WHAT"S WRONG AND STILL DO IT!?!!?
God changes us LITTLE BY LITTLE. BABY STEPS SARAH! That's ALL i did when i first moved here. NOTHING, NOT ONE THING i did was EASY. i forgot how much of a struggle it was at first.
Maybe the reason why God changes us little by little is because its the only way we learn to rely on Him.
DC closed with this:
sometimes all we do is focus on the leasks in our buckets. what i need to do is see where i was before i moved here for GCCband measure my growth. (november 4, 2006- now)
i want my heart to break with what breaks God's.
-God can emphasize with us.
-Sometimes we think other people live in this whole other world.
(i instantly thought wow i do that all the time with dc and the keims and beeson all the SMT i call that other world easy to be a christian.)
-God knows what I'm feeling, what i'm thinking, WHAT I'M DOING. He still just wants my heart.
-Challenge yourself with the patterns and habits by FACING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE DICTATING MY LIFE!!! (naturally i freaked out when he said FACING THEM)
-how many times have i been ont he edge to God's promise, His plan, His will and I JUST WALK AWAY?!?!
-where are you going, based on where you have been?
-randomly get discouraged by this thought "GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD...but i'm not."
I N C O N S I S T A N T
why does my motivation go? why does my heart forget what God puts on it?
F A I L U R E
why do i make promises or these deals with God i can't keep?
-as i was thinking those thoughts, i started to focus back on the message and DC said "we all have leaky buckets". you know we all have holes where we drip a little.
-Duet. 7:7
-have you ever felt like God has clearly brought you out of a hole or a situation bigger than you?
-REMEMBER THAT TIME, REMEMBER GOD WAS WITH YOU.
-NO SITUATION, NO PERSON GOD cant deliver you from.
SOOO yeah we know God sent His son to die on the cross for OUR sins so that we can be forgiven, BUT just in going to Jesus does not mean He snaps His fingers and life is easy. I STILL HAVE MY HABITS!! What God WILL DO is provide a way to overcome evil!!
Duet. 7:17
-God wants to get in my dirt and HELP me get like Jesus!
So then God helped me realize this....
He doesnt just sit down. He knows we feel like we cant win, that sometimes we feel its bigger than us and even Him. BUT MAN if i want help, I HAVE TO LET HIM!!!
*God wants to clean my room, so i can't keep closing my door on Him*
God never has nor will He abondon me, so WHY DO I DO IT ALL THE TIME?!?!?
WHY DO I KNOW WHAT"S WRONG AND STILL DO IT!?!!?
God changes us LITTLE BY LITTLE. BABY STEPS SARAH! That's ALL i did when i first moved here. NOTHING, NOT ONE THING i did was EASY. i forgot how much of a struggle it was at first.
Maybe the reason why God changes us little by little is because its the only way we learn to rely on Him.
DC closed with this:
sometimes all we do is focus on the leasks in our buckets. what i need to do is see where i was before i moved here for GCCband measure my growth. (november 4, 2006- now)
i want my heart to break with what breaks God's.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
regret
after i posted the entry below, i came across a blog entry of an old friend and in the entry read the following:
"If you died tonight with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Why haven't you told them yet?"
my response:
i am so sorry. not a day goes by that i dont think about them. i NEVER wanted to hurt them the way i did. i still love them all. i miss them all so much it actually makes my heart hurt. i would tell them how much i appreciate (until the day i die) the instant acceptance they showed me, the love they invested in me, the friendship they gave me, and the all the time they shared with me, as well as the faith and support they had in me.
i wish things could go back. i know they cant, but more than that, i wish so badly that what joy was taken from their lives before, would be given back to them in ways they never knew a joy existed. that their new life be filled with everything they deserve (which is more than our simple brains can imagine). that they always fully rely on God and continue to be who God intended them to be because they are one of the most amazing families i have ever met.
i literally would cry to them over and over again saying how sorry i was. however, there is one thing i would say to them knowing it was the most important if they could be told anything at all...
i would tell them i pray everyday for their forgiveness, from each and every one of them. i pray it everyday. NOT just for my sake, but so they can move on with their lives, with no more anger or hurt or resentment...or suffer through the horrible feeling of being betrayed...because i love them.
why havent i told them...?
that's between God and I. however, i have been- in a way- talking/asking God what to do with this situation in my life. it was EXACTLY what the blog entry from the other person said...what would you regret NOT telling someone? for 4 months ive been trying to figure out what to do? what to say? find sanity in the fact i will not ever be ABLE to say ANYTHING. then i found this tonight. i dont know if the people i have referred to will ever visit my blogger, but if they do, even if its years from now, they'll see this and know.
thank you God.
"If you died tonight with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Why haven't you told them yet?"
my response:
i am so sorry. not a day goes by that i dont think about them. i NEVER wanted to hurt them the way i did. i still love them all. i miss them all so much it actually makes my heart hurt. i would tell them how much i appreciate (until the day i die) the instant acceptance they showed me, the love they invested in me, the friendship they gave me, and the all the time they shared with me, as well as the faith and support they had in me.
i wish things could go back. i know they cant, but more than that, i wish so badly that what joy was taken from their lives before, would be given back to them in ways they never knew a joy existed. that their new life be filled with everything they deserve (which is more than our simple brains can imagine). that they always fully rely on God and continue to be who God intended them to be because they are one of the most amazing families i have ever met.
i literally would cry to them over and over again saying how sorry i was. however, there is one thing i would say to them knowing it was the most important if they could be told anything at all...
i would tell them i pray everyday for their forgiveness, from each and every one of them. i pray it everyday. NOT just for my sake, but so they can move on with their lives, with no more anger or hurt or resentment...or suffer through the horrible feeling of being betrayed...because i love them.
why havent i told them...?
that's between God and I. however, i have been- in a way- talking/asking God what to do with this situation in my life. it was EXACTLY what the blog entry from the other person said...what would you regret NOT telling someone? for 4 months ive been trying to figure out what to do? what to say? find sanity in the fact i will not ever be ABLE to say ANYTHING. then i found this tonight. i dont know if the people i have referred to will ever visit my blogger, but if they do, even if its years from now, they'll see this and know.
thank you God.
another "shpeel"
i saw these two girls today at work that i met through lifeline. they reminded me so much of myself when i had met them. the first girl i saw recognized me right away and it was so nice to see the excitement in her face. while i was ringing her up, another girl came up beside her- i didnt recognize her at first. she looked a little different. she's pregnant. they're cousins and not even ot of high school. now that i think back on it, the pregnant girl looked kind of embarrassed. i so badly wanted to squeeze the poo out of her and tell how proud i was of her for keeping the baby and trying to make things work. i have met and seen hundreds of kids that just hurt and struggle day to day and have no way of finding out what's really going on in their life.
when the girls left, i felt so weird. bad weird. i suddenly sunk into this lonely feeling. i started thinking about lifeline a lot. i want to go back so badly to the way everything was but i cant just jump back in. i have too many things to fix. sometimes i feel like its just too late. GCC religiously confirms its never too late to come back to God, but its so hard for me to do it. i believe it because i DO whole heartedly. i would tell anyone to just SPRINT to Him. all He wants is your heart. why is it so hard for me to do what i honestly believe?
i was driving to brothers house about 15 minutes ago and became really disgusted with myself. i want to change. i want to go back to the sarah that was SEEKING after God. who was surrounded daily by good, loving, loyal people who chased after God. i want to be relied ON, i want to be the friend people go to, who see Jesus in me.
i screwed up big time in the last 4 months. this year has been hell for me spiritually, mentally, financially - you name it. it could be MUCH worse, but im learing when YOU CHOOSE to step away from God and all that He has to offer, you become a person you absolutely hate. nothing you do is satisfying. you always want more. its sickening really. i dont want it anymore. this is the EXACT feeling i had before i moved here. its the EXACT reason why i moved here: so i could come back to God. i wanted to completely rid my life of sin and selfishness and find out what it meant to be in love with Christ.
I think, though, this time its worse than the feeling i had before.now i have had a taste of my Lord. ive felt His unconditional love, ive experienced blessing after blessing and then slowly, BUT WILLINGLY walked away from it all.
i know our God has provision we know not of, that His love is amazing steady and unchanging, that it stretches as far as the east is from the west...that i matter...through all the stupid STUPID minute by minute mistakes i make, HE JUST WANTS ME! MY HEART.
ive been talking to a friend a lot lately- kinda laying it all out there to her. she has really been helping me dig at this and show me that this is all repairable. im taking the smallest baby steps ever, but if anyone is reading this pray for me. i dont care what it is you pray FOR, just pray for me. i need it.
when the girls left, i felt so weird. bad weird. i suddenly sunk into this lonely feeling. i started thinking about lifeline a lot. i want to go back so badly to the way everything was but i cant just jump back in. i have too many things to fix. sometimes i feel like its just too late. GCC religiously confirms its never too late to come back to God, but its so hard for me to do it. i believe it because i DO whole heartedly. i would tell anyone to just SPRINT to Him. all He wants is your heart. why is it so hard for me to do what i honestly believe?
i was driving to brothers house about 15 minutes ago and became really disgusted with myself. i want to change. i want to go back to the sarah that was SEEKING after God. who was surrounded daily by good, loving, loyal people who chased after God. i want to be relied ON, i want to be the friend people go to, who see Jesus in me.
i screwed up big time in the last 4 months. this year has been hell for me spiritually, mentally, financially - you name it. it could be MUCH worse, but im learing when YOU CHOOSE to step away from God and all that He has to offer, you become a person you absolutely hate. nothing you do is satisfying. you always want more. its sickening really. i dont want it anymore. this is the EXACT feeling i had before i moved here. its the EXACT reason why i moved here: so i could come back to God. i wanted to completely rid my life of sin and selfishness and find out what it meant to be in love with Christ.
I think, though, this time its worse than the feeling i had before.now i have had a taste of my Lord. ive felt His unconditional love, ive experienced blessing after blessing and then slowly, BUT WILLINGLY walked away from it all.
i know our God has provision we know not of, that His love is amazing steady and unchanging, that it stretches as far as the east is from the west...that i matter...through all the stupid STUPID minute by minute mistakes i make, HE JUST WANTS ME! MY HEART.
ive been talking to a friend a lot lately- kinda laying it all out there to her. she has really been helping me dig at this and show me that this is all repairable. im taking the smallest baby steps ever, but if anyone is reading this pray for me. i dont care what it is you pray FOR, just pray for me. i need it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
photogtaphs and memories
i'm just going to chalk this week up as sarah is very emotional! last night got to me a little, i think everyone should have times like that when they just break down. well anyway, i woke up this morning to the smell of cinnamon rolls! my roommate made them for me. so ate three (fat kid i know haha) with an amazing glass of milk YUUUUUUM and then i sat down to check myspace, facebook and read what i blogged last night.
anyway long story short...i found this artist almost as soon as i got online. his name is jason reeves. i would say he is on my top 5 right now. i saw a song called photographs and memories...its really good and it relates to some of the thoughts and feelings i had last night.
whenever i hear a good song it's because the lyrics captured my heart, then because the artist delivered the lyrics well and then the beat is good you know so on and so on. so anyway...i like to share lyrics so here are the lyrics and a link to his myspace page. check him out:-)
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=14211432
Photographs and Memories by Jason Reeves
i keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else
you'd be.
cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...
writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..
and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.
cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...
i need you back, i need you back
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes
i need you dear.
cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...
anyway long story short...i found this artist almost as soon as i got online. his name is jason reeves. i would say he is on my top 5 right now. i saw a song called photographs and memories...its really good and it relates to some of the thoughts and feelings i had last night.
whenever i hear a good song it's because the lyrics captured my heart, then because the artist delivered the lyrics well and then the beat is good you know so on and so on. so anyway...i like to share lyrics so here are the lyrics and a link to his myspace page. check him out:-)
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=14211432
Photographs and Memories by Jason Reeves
i keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else
you'd be.
cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...
writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..
and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.
cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...
i need you back, i need you back
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes
i need you dear.
cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...
i hate when movies do this...
sometimes you can’t explain or express how broken you are. life is full of so much. i’m only 21 but often i feel like i’ve lived 930472984 years plus. i’m sitting here racking my brain attemping to remember things. it’s so hard. i try for like 5 minutes, some nights i only make it 45 seconds because it always ends the same- feeling frustrated, sad, hurt, confused, an ocassional laugh, a smile here and there and then this void, this empty "thing" in my gut...
even at the age 61, my mom doesn’t know everything. how can you experience life that long and not know? we forget so easily things we see everyday or learn, or even felt. i know there are things that took place in my life i didn’t even know happened or didnt see...i.e. when my dad first held me, when i made my mom really proud, my parents being in love, when i made my brothers laugh really hard...when my family was a family together.
how about recess? snack time? birthday parties...you know i never had a brithday party when i was a young buck. i went to plenty though, from chuck e cheese to discovery zone to rollerbladding hah. what about the times you met a stranger? how random and ironic it was you just happen to meet them. or meeting that one person that one time and just by looking at them you get this...this spine tingling, goose bump experience that tells you there is something so different, so intreging, wholesome...
i wish we had this part in our brains with a tv and a vcr- not a dvd player, but an old school vcr- where you can just fastforward and rewind, replay, replay replay!!! EVERY MOMENT! can you imagine? every little thing.
Things We Lost in the Fire. my roommate rented it tonight, had no clue how much it related to me. yesterday, someone mentioned a movie to me i would have sworn on my life was my ultimate favoriest movie EVER, yet i had forgotten about it until he mentioned it - Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. it ties back to my whole memory thing...except the thing is the characters in this movie DON’T want to remeber. they actually want to forget. i remember when i felt like that. it’s because some of the memories just hurt too much. but then years, months, heck sometimes even hours pass, and then bam...i find myself saying i would GIVE, DO anything- ANYTHING- just to have that back...to be in that one place again, experience a passion i use to have, to see that one person again, to hold, to feel that person, have a conversation, hear their voice! laugh with them....
i hate when movies do this. it’s as if i have been turned upside down with all the blood rushing to my head, feeling as if its about to explode with emotion--
so much emotion.
i hate it because it makes me stop running. i may get mad and show emotion and say things giving one the impression that i’m "putting it all out there" or being too emotional...haha even annoying. the thing is...i’m not TRULY telling you how i feel, what’s really going on. i run from the truth. actually, i run so much i start running in these circles and end up running back into the truth. so i confront it. i face it. i can only deal with it for a little while though...i freak out, the minute i feel overwhelmed and start running again. i need to stop running. so i guess...
secretly, i love it when movies do this...;-)
"Except the good." - Things We Lost in the Fire.
even at the age 61, my mom doesn’t know everything. how can you experience life that long and not know? we forget so easily things we see everyday or learn, or even felt. i know there are things that took place in my life i didn’t even know happened or didnt see...i.e. when my dad first held me, when i made my mom really proud, my parents being in love, when i made my brothers laugh really hard...when my family was a family together.
how about recess? snack time? birthday parties...you know i never had a brithday party when i was a young buck. i went to plenty though, from chuck e cheese to discovery zone to rollerbladding hah. what about the times you met a stranger? how random and ironic it was you just happen to meet them. or meeting that one person that one time and just by looking at them you get this...this spine tingling, goose bump experience that tells you there is something so different, so intreging, wholesome...
i wish we had this part in our brains with a tv and a vcr- not a dvd player, but an old school vcr- where you can just fastforward and rewind, replay, replay replay!!! EVERY MOMENT! can you imagine? every little thing.
Things We Lost in the Fire. my roommate rented it tonight, had no clue how much it related to me. yesterday, someone mentioned a movie to me i would have sworn on my life was my ultimate favoriest movie EVER, yet i had forgotten about it until he mentioned it - Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. it ties back to my whole memory thing...except the thing is the characters in this movie DON’T want to remeber. they actually want to forget. i remember when i felt like that. it’s because some of the memories just hurt too much. but then years, months, heck sometimes even hours pass, and then bam...i find myself saying i would GIVE, DO anything- ANYTHING- just to have that back...to be in that one place again, experience a passion i use to have, to see that one person again, to hold, to feel that person, have a conversation, hear their voice! laugh with them....
i hate when movies do this. it’s as if i have been turned upside down with all the blood rushing to my head, feeling as if its about to explode with emotion--
so much emotion.
i hate it because it makes me stop running. i may get mad and show emotion and say things giving one the impression that i’m "putting it all out there" or being too emotional...haha even annoying. the thing is...i’m not TRULY telling you how i feel, what’s really going on. i run from the truth. actually, i run so much i start running in these circles and end up running back into the truth. so i confront it. i face it. i can only deal with it for a little while though...i freak out, the minute i feel overwhelmed and start running again. i need to stop running. so i guess...
secretly, i love it when movies do this...;-)
"Except the good." - Things We Lost in the Fire.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y
yes yes i know! im blogging! its only been 3 and a half months...only ;-) BUT im doing it now.
i had to take a step back from Lifeline and Oasis for a little bit in January...still not for sure when im coming back, but I AM COMING BACK! i did get the chance to stop in two weeks ago. i missed the kids, the volunteer leaders, and the staff! so i decided to go. it was a great decision. that night ted bryant was speeaking. im sure i wasnt the only one but i do know his message was PERFECT for me. he talekd about our idividual identity - ya know, who we are, why we are what we are...what we are. anyway, i thought it absolutely necessary to share (if i have any readers) or at least just put on my blog for future reflection purposes. OKAY HERE IT GOES!!
there is this GYNORMOUS, VISCIOUS cycle in life that many of us can categorize ourselves apart of (i'm in it). it starts out as a sort of self evaluation in how we go about living. in this case the result is "i'm not good enough". so to fix that we try to be someone else...or something else that we see working, thinking "HEY! maybe i can do/ be that and it'll work for me". well what we dont realize is that by choosing that, it, in a weird way, "allows" us to miss out on what God already had planned for us because we aren't trying to pursue WHO HE MADE US TO BE. taking this road nNEVER works out, therefore it leaves us feeling useless, worthless, unsuccessful- right back to the beginning of "IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH".
do you see the cycle?!?!?!? really!??! do understand that those four main thoughts can lead to INSANITY?!?! i do because i truly think im there!
Ted went on to say that there are basically two ways to divide things into :
1. NOT GOD
2. GOD
1.NOT GOD: need to be prettier, skinnier, smarter, faster stronger- bascially BETTER!
2.GOD: accepted as you are.
so then we ask: who do you trust?
who are you?
WHAT SHOULD YOU BE?
with GOD asking "what should you be?" is the WRONG question to be asking!
with #1 NOT GOD the asnwer you'll get back is simply everyone else OWN opinion getting NO HELP.
the RIGHT question to ask with GOD is "WHAT AM I?!?!?!?!" why wouldnt you ask the One who created you? The answer will be THE TRUTH. isnt that what you want!??! HONESTY?! then you'll get help- solutions to the insanity!
now keep in mind, this is not ted's word for word sermon, but i think i did a pretty good job translating it. anyway after hearing this i jotted down a few personal thoughts i had.
the whole message got to me, but the part about the NOT GOD side leading to others opinions not helping really came at me like a spider monkey (it's from talladega nights). I forgot i WANTED help. when i first moved here- i forgot how badly i wanted to be literally saved from all the crap. just swept up, rescued far far away from all the bad. i would sit in church screaming in my head to God "How do I get it? How do I get thorugh this God because I want out of it!!!" My heart WANTED the change- the DESIRE, I HAD DESIRE for it. I had a NEED for God.
why don't i now? i mean i love God - i do. i believe He is here and that Jesus died on the cross for our sinful ways, but the BURN isn't there. I forgot I was at a point where i KNEW i could NOT do it anymore. i was so hurt i was reaching out for ANYTHING that would help me feel healed and loved and accepted. i guess once i had gotten it, once i decided to REALLY live my life for God, that i had forgotten how MISERABLE things are when you walk away from the help WILLINGLY.
How does that happen...so fast? how do you forget that much pain? then i found myself sitting there in church yelling through a pen and paper at God again. "WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN IT'S ALL SO EASILY FORGOTTEN??? HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THE RIGHT THING?!?? HOW DO YOU NOT STRAY AWAY?!? HOW DO I DO THIS?
i thought about leaving the blog with that. honestly because i'm still asking, telling, crying...
all is not lost. things could be much worse. in fact, i think because i went to lifeline that night and started taking steps back toward my relationship with God, it's already blessed me. my taxes ended being MUCH larger than i had anticipated ( like $400 more) my friendships are getting renewed and mended, i JUST officially had two job offers that i took (one full time, one part time) and i'm feeling a little better about my "guy situation" (which honestly i think is a miracle in itself)
i think i'll go back to lifeline this sunday.
Psalm 51:17
"...heart shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."
i had to take a step back from Lifeline and Oasis for a little bit in January...still not for sure when im coming back, but I AM COMING BACK! i did get the chance to stop in two weeks ago. i missed the kids, the volunteer leaders, and the staff! so i decided to go. it was a great decision. that night ted bryant was speeaking. im sure i wasnt the only one but i do know his message was PERFECT for me. he talekd about our idividual identity - ya know, who we are, why we are what we are...what we are. anyway, i thought it absolutely necessary to share (if i have any readers) or at least just put on my blog for future reflection purposes. OKAY HERE IT GOES!!
there is this GYNORMOUS, VISCIOUS cycle in life that many of us can categorize ourselves apart of (i'm in it). it starts out as a sort of self evaluation in how we go about living. in this case the result is "i'm not good enough". so to fix that we try to be someone else...or something else that we see working, thinking "HEY! maybe i can do/ be that and it'll work for me". well what we dont realize is that by choosing that, it, in a weird way, "allows" us to miss out on what God already had planned for us because we aren't trying to pursue WHO HE MADE US TO BE. taking this road nNEVER works out, therefore it leaves us feeling useless, worthless, unsuccessful- right back to the beginning of "IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH".
do you see the cycle?!?!?!? really!??! do understand that those four main thoughts can lead to INSANITY?!?! i do because i truly think im there!
Ted went on to say that there are basically two ways to divide things into :
1. NOT GOD
2. GOD
1.NOT GOD: need to be prettier, skinnier, smarter, faster stronger- bascially BETTER!
2.GOD: accepted as you are.
so then we ask: who do you trust?
who are you?
WHAT SHOULD YOU BE?
with GOD asking "what should you be?" is the WRONG question to be asking!
with #1 NOT GOD the asnwer you'll get back is simply everyone else OWN opinion getting NO HELP.
the RIGHT question to ask with GOD is "WHAT AM I?!?!?!?!" why wouldnt you ask the One who created you? The answer will be THE TRUTH. isnt that what you want!??! HONESTY?! then you'll get help- solutions to the insanity!
now keep in mind, this is not ted's word for word sermon, but i think i did a pretty good job translating it. anyway after hearing this i jotted down a few personal thoughts i had.
the whole message got to me, but the part about the NOT GOD side leading to others opinions not helping really came at me like a spider monkey (it's from talladega nights). I forgot i WANTED help. when i first moved here- i forgot how badly i wanted to be literally saved from all the crap. just swept up, rescued far far away from all the bad. i would sit in church screaming in my head to God "How do I get it? How do I get thorugh this God because I want out of it!!!" My heart WANTED the change- the DESIRE, I HAD DESIRE for it. I had a NEED for God.
why don't i now? i mean i love God - i do. i believe He is here and that Jesus died on the cross for our sinful ways, but the BURN isn't there. I forgot I was at a point where i KNEW i could NOT do it anymore. i was so hurt i was reaching out for ANYTHING that would help me feel healed and loved and accepted. i guess once i had gotten it, once i decided to REALLY live my life for God, that i had forgotten how MISERABLE things are when you walk away from the help WILLINGLY.
How does that happen...so fast? how do you forget that much pain? then i found myself sitting there in church yelling through a pen and paper at God again. "WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN IT'S ALL SO EASILY FORGOTTEN??? HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THE RIGHT THING?!?? HOW DO YOU NOT STRAY AWAY?!? HOW DO I DO THIS?
i thought about leaving the blog with that. honestly because i'm still asking, telling, crying...
all is not lost. things could be much worse. in fact, i think because i went to lifeline that night and started taking steps back toward my relationship with God, it's already blessed me. my taxes ended being MUCH larger than i had anticipated ( like $400 more) my friendships are getting renewed and mended, i JUST officially had two job offers that i took (one full time, one part time) and i'm feeling a little better about my "guy situation" (which honestly i think is a miracle in itself)
i think i'll go back to lifeline this sunday.
Psalm 51:17
"...heart shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."
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