battle.

oh this is too much. this is big. too big for me. i'm losing so much so fast. i had everything. the knowledge, support, love, acceptance...but the really cool part was i was finally getting it.

money, social acceptance, guys... i can't believe they have had me bound for so long. i feel like im in prison, but centuries ago. i'm in chains half- clothed, cold, hungry for anything, and beaten, almost to death. i wonder if i stay in bed maybe i can escape another beating. stepping outside of me, my situation could be worse, it always can be worse, its just getting myself out of the mind set that i can't endure anymore of it.

even typing it hits me as utter foolishness to think this is something i'll defeat in the end. i'm seeing i'm incredibly reliable and consistent in being INconsistent.

we're doing this series in oasis and lifeline called SHIVERNAKERVOMITJAILSTARVE. this series is literally throwing me into a brickwall. i'm hurtin'- man am i feeling it.

i'm not seeing tomorrow as a new day. tomorrow is just another day to make more mistakes, to hear of more injustice...an opportunity to sin. how promising does tomorrow sound? look? feel?

this is even too big for God...satan has been whispering that to me nonstop. go ahead, judge me for even playing with that very though but just think- there has been a time where you all have gone through crap and didnt give it to Him....isnt that like saying God cant handle it? what bout the times you have thought this isnt that big of a deal i can handle it. OH REALLY? haha okay....sure. lemme know how that worked out for you.

i'm on edge with everything. i'm not patient with anyone right now. i'm purposely setting myself aside from people that could possibly help me. when i'm not doing that, i'm swimming in my bitterness convincing myself how i will never befriend the "holier than thou" crowd and how much i can't stand to be under the same roof as them. before all this, i didnt even think of anyone as portraying to me that they were better christians than me....so what's so different now? i can tell you it's not them.
IT'S ME. i have changed.

i know this battle is no where near to its end. there is always more to come. i just dont know how to fight anymore. not right now. i dont know how to get up from the wounds. obviously they havent killed me, but its almost as if i dont want to get up because i feel like if i get up there will only be more...more that i can't handle.

there is this song by colbie caillat called battle. this mught sound weird but its like a song to myself and maybe what God thinks sometimes maybe...i dont know about the God part but i do know its something i would tell myself right now.
cue the lyrics:

you thought we'd be fine
all these years gone by
now your askin me to listen
well then tell me bout everything
no lies we're loosin time

cause this is a battle
and its your final last call
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
this can be better, you used to be happy, try...

you've got them on your side
and they wont change their minds
now its over
and i'm feelin like i've missed out on everything
i just hope its worth the fight

cause this is a battle
and its your final last call - why'd you have to let it go?
it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know - can't you see you hurt me so?
but why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
things could be better, you can be happy, try...


i can't wrap around my simple human brain how much i'm hurting God. when it comes down to it...that's the WHY. why i'm not happy, miserable, failing- its because i can't be good for one day. i disappoint God every hour....on the other hand, the battle wouldn't be there if i wasn't trying though, right? is it safe to say that? wise to say that? there is a battle BECAUSE i actually do really love this God and i WANT, my heart DESIRE is to please Him and live for Him...to do what's right.

but if that's the reason and that's my heart...why am i losing the battle?

I.M.A.G.E

DC spoke this week about IMAGE for our BAD BOYS series. here are some words he said that stuck out to me.


Isaiah 47:10
I am and there is none besides me.


i m a g e b u i l d i n g
an attempt to make impressions that we are bigger than we are.

*you start lying to yourself so much, you believe it....reality needs to hit you

idealist v realist and fiction v fact

*you can do all the "right things" and still be WRONG.

why would we build an image? what is it about wanting an image?
.....I N S E C U R I T Y.
.....A C C E P T A N C E - wanting it so much it consumes you; mind, actions, words.

*dont confuse EXCELLING with SELF-SELLING

GOD LOOKS AT YOUR HEART
make sure you arent being a hypocrit.

*JESUS NEVER REJECTED US.

time in the desert.....is something burning?

MOSES. never gave him a second thought, just like many other bible characters i have heard stories about, sadly. a man who directly heard the voice of GOD and had a conversation about what GOD wanted him to do.

this guy has one relative story though. its kinda like a tree ring with him...and us.
tree rings-- what if the rings on trees that reveal the age were like events or stories that revealed us. if we cut ourselves down like a tree, right down the middle, how many rings do you think we would see? what do you think they would each reveal?

ya know when you hold a ball down under water for as long as you can then it pops up...sometimes life does that too often life does that.
-- exodus 2:11-15
-basically moses had seen one of the slaves being beaten and treated unfairly and he rose up with anger then killing the egyptian gaurd who was being unjust to the slave. the next day moses went back to find two Hebrew men fighting. he spoke to the man who started it: "why are you hitting your neighbor. the man shot back: "Who do you think you are, telling us what to do? Are you going to kill me the way you killed that Egyptian?" naturally moses freaked thinking word got out that he MURDERED a man so he ran.

sounds like me.,..messed so bad it was almost irreversable so instead if facing it, RUN.
which goes back with the whole ball under water thing- tryna hide it hold it in and then BAM its pops up in your face and everyone sees it.

then we get to the part of his life where he spent some time in the desert- YUCK right?....we all have been there before and hate it, but so many times we miss seeing it as the opportunity. time in the desert allows you to HEAR GOD. hmmm yeah hearing GOD...LISTENING. a lot more can happen: maturity - it broadens, deepens yourself.

oh but then there is the I HAVE BEEN IN THE DESERT FOR TOO LONG YOU DONT KNOW HOW LONG IVE BEEN HERE! i was positive or i tried hearing God. MOSES WAS 80 when he heard from GOD. E I G H T Y! in exodus 3 GOD appears to moses in a BURNING BUSH. the CREATOR talking to the creatED.

so finally he hears from God 80 years later...he hears WORD FOR WORD STEP 1 -293727 what ever of EXACTLY WHAT GOD WANTS and this dude comes back at God with excuse after excuse after excuse. they are all the same exact excuses and questions we come back at GOD with.

5 EXCUSES:
1. WHO AM I ?
2. WHO ARE YOU?
3. WHAT IF THEY DON'T LISTEN?
4. I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
5. SURELY THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE? - FIND SOMEONE ELSE!

GOD'S RESPONSE
1. I WILL BE WITH YOU!
2. I AM THE GREAT I AM I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD!
3. I HAVE PROVISION YOU KNOW NOT OF!
4. I MADE YOU. I MADE ALL CREATION. I HAVE CALLED YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAPABLE!
5. I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING YOU CAN NOT HANDLE!

**MAYBE our bush has ben burning all along BUT you've been too busy to see or know it**

THINGS that COULD HAPPEN if we made NO EXCUSES and JUST WENT!
- emotional investment/attachment to the work you are called to do.
- GOD AFFIRMS you through OTHERS
- GOD GIVES you MENTORS thoughout the entire journey that will build you up, ENCOURAGING you.
- GOD BUILDS on your STRENGTHS, EXPERIENCES, and BACKGROUND.
- GOD instills a VALUE of HARDWORK in YOU!
- GOD PROVIDES an army for you (friends, family)


STILL COMING UP WITH EXCUSES? HEAR THIS:

the Old Testament is filled with people who made mistakes - CRAZY, SIMILAR, SHAMEFUL PASTS - and GOD USED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. THE MADE A DIFFERENCE FOR GOD DESPITE THEIR CHOICES BECAUSE GOD WANTED THEM!
-- eve, rahab, david, peter, jacob, thomas, jospeh, matthew, noah, leah, and LAZARUZ WHO WAS DEAD AND GOD STILL USED HIM.

G O D C A N U S E U S !

* NOW slow down, put ALL the excuses aside and l . i . s . t . e . n
when was the last time you looked in the mirror and said SHHHHHHH!

BIG MOMENT = SMALL MOMENTS

When I think about my future, I wonder where I'll be, then I make that my life. My mentality then becomes "When the big moment happens then life can be lived, it can start." As time goes on I only see Im getting older. HAHAHAHAHAH okay so Im 21 but I see how fast life HAS BEEN going and am fully aware its only going to speed up.
Celebration, optimisim and hope is necessary in the chaotic distructive world.

Isaiah 61
1-7 The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks
and foreigners to work your fields,
But you'll have the title "Priests of God,"
honored as ministers of our God.
You'll feast on the bounty of nations,
you'll bask in their glory.
Because you got a double dose of trouble
and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
and your joy go on forever.
8-9"Because I, God, love fair dealing
and hate thievery and crime,
I'll pay your wages on time and in full,
and establish my eternal covenant with you.
Your descendants will become well-known all over.
Your children in foreign countries
Will be recognized at once
as the people I have blessed."

10-11I will sing for joy in God,
explode in praise from deep in my soul!
He dressed me up in a suit of salvation,
he outfitted me in a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo
and a bride a jeweled tiara.
For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,
and as a garden cascades with blossoms,
So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom
and puts praise on display before the nations.

I have been feeling like a prisoner to my anger, bitterness, fear, and insecurities when I'M NOT and God is promising me so much more. When we choose to be a better person for God, we start to see Him when before all we saw was a street, someone crying, or just another stranger.

Sometimes in our life, we get our hearts ABSOLUTELY BROKEN. Initially we want a heart of stone so that we can NEVER feel that kind of pain, NEVER come close to reaching that level of pain EVER again. BUT what I often fail to remember and truly believe from day to day in the midst of my of "my wilderness" is that God restores my soul. THEN He creates in ME a new heart.
When we reach this part in our life there are two pivotal points we come across:
1. we can either let it strip us down to the bone and allow is to be who God intended
2. let it take over our self conrtol and be the reason why we behave poorly

If we choose the first road, God shows us how close He is and much He loves us. HE JUST WANTS OUR HEARTS!!!

** God's kindness burns even through the deepest betrayal.

Another thought: Curses can be blessings. I know you have heard it before, but I can sometimes tmiss the blessing because i get so STUCK in MY curse. Tragedy can become epic. Wrong can become my beautiful right. There is beauty in the wilderness, but I have to be careful not to push it away because I want the dark and familiar, because I want to hold onto the feeling of being victimized.
So here's a question for ya: what is my reason for not being able to grow and move on?.....what would my life look like if I let that reason go? When it comes down to it, whether I feel like I have nothing to hold onto or I'm blessed beyond all measure, I have a bag of gold. It's a gift from God. What am I going to do with it?
God is really asking that I invest in this life of suffering and heartache to receive Him, to NOT wait and miss out.

So about those big moments mentioned earlier....they are really just the everyday small moments such as showing forgiveness abd grace, trusting God, loving others....I MAKE THE BIG MOMENT. That's what I have been missing - I MAKE IT! I shouldnt be waititng for it. The big moment is waiting on me- to move, pull off the masks, abd live it- live life.

think. pray. listen.

This is my life, my gift from the Holy God.

Happy ONE YEAR Sarah!

i never come up with any great one liners for introductions for these things.

anyway. i have lived her for one full entire year to this date. here comes the cliche and OH SO predictable line...I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN A YEAR!

but seriously though, i can't wrap my head around all that has happened, all that i've experienced and I WAS THERE FOR ALL OF IT. sometimes i feel like when i tell people about my life its as if im just telling some story. im to the point where the feelings (pain, sadnessm loneliness, fear, anger) i had i dont remember how deep or how intense all of it was. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?

man...here i sit at my brothers new house ( their first house - they have been married for ten years and i dont know any other couple that deserves a house -especially as nice as this one) watching these moments flash by- some of them are playing over and over... and over again.

i remember sitting in my saturn inthe parking lot of my dorm at Ball State just drowning in my car due to the amount of tears my body was producing. good lord that day sucked. i didnt even beat around the bush. i came right out and asked Cody if i could come live with them up there.
i really couldnt go on the way i was with school, this one guy (all the guys before him)...just the habits i was developing and the decisions i made had literally dragged me down to my knees. i just didnt want to move on with life if i stayed there. i would have soaked myself up with sex, alcohol, and God only knows what else. i had NO respect for myself- saw no value in me- thought i had absolutely NOTHING to offer and that i would never do well in anything.
some might look at it as running away again, not finishing another thing i started, but the thing is i was running...to God. the only thing that made sense to me in the midst of my chaotic, unruly life was Granger Community Church.

i got plugged into GCC in any way possible. I started with the high school ministry, Lifeline. i had no CLUE what i was getting myself into when participating in that. because of Lifeline, i was able to experience God on a whole other level; priceless irreplaceable friendships, Camp Adventure, Mexico. Those three have had the most impact on my heart.

But even before i got to camp adventure and flew (on a plane for the very first time) to Mexico, i had the opportunity to actually share my story with the entire population of GCC. they did a "my life" series campaigne in march. i was week 3. they chose me. seriously therehad to have been thousands of others with possibly ten times better of a story but they did me.i literally got to tell everyone my life- mistakes, heartache, losing dad, abuse ex, alcohol, my insecurities and why i have them. to this day i still cant believe God blessed me with that chance. it really opened the door to friendships and allowed me to just be myself, no holding back.

oh and MERGE. the college age services every monday. AHHHH how fun. getting to serve together with people my age facing the same struggles, being able to have fun without gettin trashed EVERY night waking up regretting what you did or with whom you did whatever with...or waking up next to someone not remembering if there was anything to regret.

im surrounded by talent. the musicians OH and the vocals of dan, trace, seth, j, leroy, angie, and kim....dustin, jeff, jason,so many people just exploding with beautiful talent. not to mention the abnormalcy of how HUGE the pastors hearts are there, i cant wrap my stupid, small, and so undeveloped brain around it. Dr Bob...he calls us Beloved...BELOVED. Rob Wagner (Bob Saggot :-} ) his excitement when speaking of Jesus and what His Father OUR Father can do and will do for us. Mark Waltz with his unconditional love and strong desire to just hear everyone story. Jason's words of wisdom and internal passion for falling into God face first at SUCH a YOUNG age. you know who is next : R Mark Beeson...i dont think God created words on earth for us simple minded humans to use to describe such excellence. I LOVE THIS MAN. Whew...is it offensive to say that i think if God had another son but of the world (somehow....just go with it) that Mark would have been him? well lets hope its not offensive because i do often think it.

man. Camp.Mexico. Baptism.

i was Baptized September 9, 2007 @ 4:43 p.m. by Mark Beeson and his sensational beautifully made wife, sheila.

there is so much more before being baptized though.

Mexico. man let me tell you. NOTHING CLOSE. i had my feet washed...by COREY MANN.oh did i mention the Mann Clan? NO i didnt? well let me just tell you about them
there once was a mann named corey who fell in love with a woman named debbie. they got married, kissed, and had a beautiful baby girl mann, Chloe. 8 or 9 years later, wife and husband mann kissed again and had a miracle little man, Caleb. These two kids i love with all my heart. And Debbie is one hot sexy momma and i love how real she is, also just how friggin cool she is, easy to talk to, phenomenal mother, wife, and friend to me. did i mention she can cut hair like no otha motha AND wax them eyebrows -- mann there aint nothin she cant do. her husband is my favorite. funniest mann you will ever meet. you just dont meet families where EVERYONE is JUST THAT FRIGGIN' AWESOME. VERY VERY VERY blessed to say "hey i know them."
so anyway, never had my feet washed. corey looked at me right in the eyes and the first thing he said was a question..."and you, what were you doing a year ago?" if only people had known that exactly a year ago on that day, July 26th, i had made a choice with someone and everything had went completely down hill for me and i just KNOW that was God speaking through that mann.
not as if the kids werent enough. gosh those kids. i miss mexico.

i moved out of Cody and Kristin's hair the third week of August to move into a house in South Bend with 5 other God centered lives-- Jerica, Jeanna, Rachel, Suzanna, and Heather. talk about surrounding youself with positive successful people/ friends. this house is unbelievably nice and big! i love it!

i have built up some tremedous relationships with some guys that are very passionate for the Lord. they have helped me in so many ways. helping me see there are good guys that care out there. thanks david, nate, and spence.

i think i might call it a night!


Thank you Abba for alll the unconditional love and patience you have shown me. you truly are the Great I am.


happy one year sarah:-)

G.R.A.C.E

I don't wanna see, I don't wanna see anything

I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again

I don't wanna walk, I don't wanna walk far from You

I just wanna live, I just wanna live like You do

As I stumble to the light of grace

You said You'd always have a place for me

Got a little scared, got a little scared in the woods

And everywhere I turn, everywhere I turn nothing's good

Then I saw a little light, saw a little light shine for me

And I found a little path, found a little path at my feet

As I fumble with the gift of my free will

He says "Hush now, listen to my voice, be still"

My refuge, my Father

The only Living Water

I'm weary, I'm broken

I've cracked my heart wide open

Unholy, unworthy

And still You reassure me

You knew me

Before I new myself


I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again.

mask for mask

i dont know if it's just a little phase im going through right now or if im just now seeing and realizing how people are and how life tends to be approached..by me and everyone else.
there tends to be talk of how everyone hids behind a mask- some have three they rotate through out his or her entire life, some have one for everday. i have a mask for every PERSON in my life. with some people i can use the the same mask, but more often then not, i have to switch em out.
question: am i fake?
answer: yes and no.
i should be able to be myself (through Christ) no matter what the audience. hasnt really worked out that way- ever. i always filter what i am rreally thinking or what i really want to say. sometimes thats good though because i would regret DEEPLY the next day what i said. however, its harmful in so many ways. i hold in what some need to hear, but dont want to hear...ya know.
soooooo how do i get rid of 21 years of masks and just let people see my face; the face God gave me and could shine so much Jesus?
I DONT FRIGGIN KNOW !
if anyone does lemme know...PLEASE. thanks.

I-YI-YI....

holy crap its been almost 2 months, but i have a vaild excuse..i moved into a house with no internet or cable at the end of august. so much has happened in those two months. okay well i moved to south bend into an AWESOME house with 5 other girls! whew it's crazy and i love it. our house is sooo nice and huge. my roommates are phenomenal. they are so encouraging and fun! bout 4 weeks ago i basically put in a 2 weeks notice and the week after my notice i was sent home...so i didnt get the full 2 weeks but i have had 3 weeks of absolutely nothing to do. while it has its advantages and im soaking up every moment, having no money is soaking up my ability to do anything that i have to pay for ahah...yeah no pay check sucks. BUT BUT BUT i do have a job as of wednesday at express. its only temp. i have another job in the end zone im just waiting for them to find space. GOOD news is express will occupy my time while they get everything figured out. hmmmm what else...OH YEAH i suck at being good. i went to mexico 2 months ago and i have screwed up so many times already. its pretty discouraging really. having a sticking with doing the right thing once i pick up where i left off. i have let the past beat me down a lot. i am so weak when it comes to accpetance, oh and boys. its amazes me...me i mean i never cease to amaze myself. i have "really really really really sincerely liked" about 290420 boys since august and managed to not rely on God with my struggles. its pretty impressive how well i fink things up.
i will take this space up to write bout something good. colbie caillat and onerepublic make me very very vey very happy as well as saving jane's song grace, shane & shane's beg, switchfoot's on fire, and a couple more that have temporarily cancelled out the negative.
i really wish i had my notes with me i would just type about all the stuff i have written about in my journal and stuuuuuuuff. this isnt much of a blog. sorry if anyone reads my blog.
speaking of reading my blog hmmmm kristin my bff anf sister.in.law and the only person who reads my blog (hi kristin love you) (( i did that because she is prolly reading right now)) but anyway she is on a little road trip with some cool peeps fromm GCC. i miss her. moving out is great i can stay up however late i want, be immature but man i miss her. she is so wise and lving. you hear me kristin...youre wise and loyal and encouraging. you know what i found/learned?... encourage means to walk along side which is what you/ kristin do with me and my family and yours....you walk along side us rooting us on to do the right thing letting us know we are very well capable and can do the right thing. thanks
so with kristin being gone i am playing mom with lauren and i gotta say i dont think ill be a good mom but man that little girl is PRECIOUS. yeah she is my niece but seriously she's pretty darn special.
ohhh its friggin 5:53 a.m. if my brother cody was down here in their basement he would shart a brick ad be so mad at me for being on here hahaahh i love him yelling and all.but i think in honor of him ill call it a night a pass the frik out for a lil...

i will catch this blog up very very very soon.

LIONS (and tigers and bears) OH MY!

New Communtiy with Mark Batterson


let me just say this, if i could attend meetings such as (brad voice) Uh oh i don't know, the LEADERSHIP SUMMIT (regular voice) prior to EVERY service at GCC...wheeeeew Lordy...

- sometimes the hindsight bias blinds our vision with Bible stories.

2 Samuel 23:20-23
- so this guy, Benaiah, killed two lions(cubs) and then placed himself into a pit to again kill a lion.

*T.I.M.E.O.U.T*
- WILLINGLY put his body sober into a pit to fight and slaughter a LION...like MUFASA! THEN OH THEN HE CAME OUT ALIVE WITH THE LION DEAD. WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE? no guns, bombs to throw in the pit...what would that look like?

-more thoughts:
- ever think you're okay as long as you don't do what's wrong...while neglecting the whole DOING WHAT'S RIGHT?

-Rather than playing defense, we are called to play offense.
(this game plan brings me back to when Corey Mann --LUUUUUURVE HIM-- spoke one @ GCC about being in the garage sale where Jesus purchased us ALL in exchange for His life...then we become His action figures)

-The enemy wants me on defense and will use two emotions, strong emotions at that, to derail me:
1. GUILT = focusing on past drains me, resulting in focus pointed toward the unchangeable rather than the FUTURE HE HAS HAD PLANNED FOR ME ALL THE ALONG...i'll use all my energy by investing my time and thoughts in the old me and i wont have any left to invest in my preparation to examplify His GLORY, GRACE, and LOVE.
2. FEAR = failing again. hesitating to do what God stirs up inside, in your spirit, because you fear...fear your past and how much you SUCK.

-CONDITION REFLEXES
-Good Kind = our spirit when sinning
-Bad Kind - fear of constant failure...calls for reconditioning

LUKE 22:54-62
-Peter denied Jesus 3 times when the rooster crowed
-the bad condition reflex (brc) = do you think Peter experienced bcr whenever he heard a rooster crow?

-Jesus recondtioned Peter's G u i l t with and his F e a r with
r a
a i
c t
e h

Reconditioned:Guilt = Grace
Fear = Faith

-It is the fear we overcome that becomes outr greatest experience
-thought: can you imagine the bed time stories in Bible times?
-question: are you living a life that is worth telling stories about?
-

*Challenge: find lion. kill lion.

-when we lack guts, we rob God, the author of our faith, His Glory

i see skies of blue, clouds of white...

many many many many thoughts, and memories consumed my yesterday, as well as family i havent seen in years or havent seen EVER.

yesterday early morning, my brother and i drove back to our lovely home, frankfort, for our grandma's funeral (our last gparent, mom's mom). wednesday, my brother cody calls telling me mom came home from work about 3:30 and walked in on grandma lying flat on the kitchen floor with head bleeding and not breathing. come to find out, she experienced a brain hemmorage, fell back, hit her head (hence the bleeding) and we think we lost her at home. also she had probably been lying there for approximately 3 hours. i was not that close to my grandmother, but i loved the poo outta that crazy old woman.

it was my mom that just literallly broke me. i mean she is 60 and...walk in from her 12 hour shift at Frito-Lay to that...:-(
her voice on the phone...she has always been strong for EVERYONE, never showing her fears or insecurities. first her dad dies, then she loses her husband, now her mother. i mean granted there are far worse things that one could go through and has already...but its my mom....i love her...if i walked in on my mother just lying there bleeding...but the thing is, i have not.

when cody and i were driving back home i had a little, shall i say movie moment flash back of when cody and i were driving to go see dad in the hospital right before he died. my brother and i...man we fight like crazy, but he has been there for so much. even saying that line "been there for so much" doesnt come close to explaining how vital he has been in my life. he has been my big,strong, and strapping popular football star brother; my teacher; my best friend; my creative and talented media brother; my dad; my hero; my enemy; my blessing.
YUP, ALL IN ONE! he is pretty cool i must say. so i love him. a lot actually. at the end of the night after all is screamed and done...i wouldnt have it any other way. PLUS i mean kristin elizabeth ponce fell in love with him, so he had to be doin' something right ;-)

another thought i had revolved around the song they played at granny's funeral - louis armstrong, what a wonderful world...
i guess it was granny's favorite song, which was really cool b/c my dad and brothers all love louis. the pastor, God Bless his heart, he read EVERYTHING...EVEN THE "ACCEPTING JESUS PRAYER". ya know the ones you repeat after..YEAH...I LOVE GCC.

bringing me to my next reflection...how much God has done for me through Granger Community Church (and Cody and Kristin for opening up their home rent free). MERGE, LIFELINE: CAMP ADVENTURE, MOVE, MEXICO, CAMP ADVENTURE...THE PEOPLE...COREY MANN (HIS ENTIRE FAMILY), JOHNNY AND ANGELA KEIM!, DC AND BROOKE, TED BRYANT AND FAMILY, MARK AND SHEILA BEESON...I MEAN COME ON! My job here, AND THE KIDS i meet because of the opportunities LIFELINE offers and create and MAKE HAPPEN...AND ALL US YOUNG BUCKS from MERGE...its spectacular.

I love GOD. I LOVE WHAT HE IS SETTING IN FRONT OF ME DAILY...i might not act like it i may even HATE it in the moment, but i know GOD will never let me take on anything i couldnt handle.

...and i think to myself, what a wonderful world.

batman's robin...the ego we don't acknowledge as "ego"

i did watch the cartoon batman when i was younger often...this is true, but that's it. i don't even know the whole story i do know this...rich man with butler develops a large obsession with bats, so larrge that he dresses as one and goes about Gotham City saving it from its nasty and evil peguins, clowns, and mayors.

it goes without saying he was a hunk, but i also had a little thing for robin. i think it was because he wasn't heard of much ...and he was younger, closer to my age ;-). i kinda looked at him as batman's annoying little brother that also had an obsession with a winged creature (hence the name robin), so batty decided to take lil rob in for personal benefit.

i wonder now how much crap robin dealt with...or more so didnt deal with. i mean he was kinda like batman's slave. it seems its like that with most sidekicks....

sidekick...the title/position just does not sound like fun, let alone the actual motion (get it, a kick to the side...yeah i kinda regret typing it now, but not enough to hit backspace 294790374 times)

anywho, i bet robin or any other character in the shadow of guys like batman regularly experienced some bitterness and anger which could have developed into quite the ego, but they probably didnt recognize it as an ego. think about it, batman takes on joker while robins at him delivering papers or whatnot because he has his own responsibilities or just watches batty simply because it's too dangerous. OR there was one episode i remember where, i kid you not robin just stood there while batman was fighting some mugger in an alley. even if the poor kid wanted more than anything to jump in and save a life, batty was too busy usin' his muscles.

lets say a reporter got an interview with both rob and bat...all that being talked about is batman and his courageous heart with his witty moves and sexy backhand springs which requires his 8 pack...anyway and robin sits there thinking "what about the time i went back to the cove and GOT the weapons BATMAN NEEDED because he forgot them...or the time he had to fight lex's gang of 10 and then i showed up- HE NEEDED ME"....and then the reporter says "hey rob! if i didnt know any better i'd say you have an ego!" robin would probably give batman the look/signal to kick his arse simply because 1. he takes pride in knowing and serving along side batman; 2. who wants to admit they have an ego!!!; and 3. he just wants people to know he can do things on his own and that he isnt some young irresponsible kid.

hah oh my mind and thoughts are ridiculous i KNOW but think about it: how many times have we been like HEY GOD, I CAN HANDLE IT...dont worry about me go save other people more threatening and worse off than me...i'm oka,y really. WATCH!IN FACT HERE I GO WITHOUT YOUR BLESSING OR WITHOUT SEARCHING FOR AN OK...and then BAM we got ourselves an ego and didnt even know it.

i want to be robin to God. i want to serve next to Him and feel like i am and trust i take pride in our GOD, but sometimes i forget that i cant handle ANYTHING ON MY OWN. NOTHING..it's all God. He gets me through it all. i am young and i am irresponsible, but i can DO things and do them well, BUT BUT BUT ONLY BECAUSE I SEEK, LOVE, AND TRUST IN GOD.




sidenote: camp adventure week 2 is exactly a week from today! and i have MUCH to blog about concerning the last 2 weeks of my life (CAMP ADVENTURE WEEK ONE and MOVE 07)

CAMP ADVENTURE d.a.y.o.n.e

Mark Beeson ALL WEEK EVERYDAY. wow....i cant believe it. I KNOW he is NOT God, but man is it sacreligious to say that i DO think that God would have named His second son R Mark Beeson?


First night Papa Beeson spoke with all of us councelors before the kids came and shared some scripture:

Phillipians 4.4-7
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Romans 7:15,21
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.


Basically, we are serving the kids and helping them take steps toward Jesus...Satan HATES THIS MUCHO...so we have to be aware that he comes to kill stealand destroy therefore we must contunue to revel in God, fully investing out energy into praises rather than worry. Also to make us aware of the opportunity to do what we know NOT to do aka sin....

sidenote: i cant wait to meet my campers! my first week ever as coucelor and at thiis camp....I am SOO FLIPPIN PUMPED..i cant imagine what God has in store for me this week:-D

my rocky theme music

if i had my own eye of the tiger theme song like rocky as i warm up for Camp and Move, then MEXICO...i believe my lyrics would read the following:


I love you, God— you make me strong.
God is bedrock under my feet,
the castle in which I live,
my rescuing knight.
My God—the high crag
where I run for dear life,
hiding behind the boulders,
safe in the granite hideout.
I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty,
and find myself safe and saved. (psalm 18.1-3)

Show me how you work, God;
School me in your ways.
Take me by the hand;
Lead me down the path of truth.
You are my Savior, aren't you? (psalm 25.4-5)

Examine me, God, from head to foot,
order your battery of tests.
Make sure I'm fit
inside and out
So I never lose
sight of your love,
But keep in step with you,
never missing a beat. (psalm 26.2-3)

**God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I came back to Him,
He gave me a fresh start. **
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
**God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes**. (psalm 18.20-24)


I have decided I'm hopelessly devoted to God (Grease)

trial and torture...His strength come through weakness

"Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God."
-2Corinthians 4:1-2

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me:
'My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.'
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
-2Corinthians 12:7-10

i was looking for something...

Matthew 18

2-5For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom..
6Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse...


John 17

Jesus' Prayer for His Followers

1-5 Jesus said these things. Then, raising his eyes in prayer, he said:
Father, it's time.
Display the bright splendor of your Son
So the Son in turn may show your bright splendor.
You put him in charge of everything human
So he might give real and eternal life to all in his charge.
And this is the real and eternal life:
That they know you,
The one and only true God,
And Jesus Christ, whom you sent.
I glorified you on earth
By completing down to the last detail
What you assigned me to do.
And now, Father, glorify me with your very own splendor,
The very splendor I had in your presence
Before there was a world.
10-12Holy Father, guard them as they pursue this life
That you conferred as a gift through me,
So they can be one heart and mind
As we are one heart and mind.
As long as I was with them, I guarded them
In the pursuit of the life you gave through me;
13-19Now I'm returning to you.
I'm saying these things in the world's hearing
So my people can experience
My joy completed in them.
I gave them your word;
The godless world hated them because of it,
Because they didn't join the world's ways,
Just as I didn't join the world's ways.
I'm not asking that you take them out of the world
But that you guard them from the Evil One.
They are no more defined by the world
Than I am defined by the world.
Make them holy—consecrated—with the truth;
Your word is consecrating truth.
In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world,
I give them a mission in the world.
I'm consecrating myself for their sakes
So they'll be truth-consecrated in their mission.
20-23I'm praying not only for them
But also for those who will believe in me
Because of them and their witness about me.
The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind—
Just as you, Father, are in me and I in you,
So they might be one heart and mind with us.
Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me.
The same glory you gave me, I gave them,
So they'll be as unified and together as we are—
I in them and you in me.
Then they'll be mature in this oneness,
And give the godless world evidence
That you've sent me and loved them
In the same way you've loved me.
24-26Father, I want those you gave me
To be with me, right where I am,
So they can see my glory, the splendor you gave me,
Having loved me
Long before there ever was a world.
Righteous Father, the world has never known you,
But I have known you, and these disciples know
That you sent me on this mission.
I have made your very being known to them—
Who you are and what you do—
And continue to make it known,
So that your love for me
Might be in them
Exactly as I am in them.

dream, expectation, advice

so tonight at the meeting we all sat in a circle and expressed our personal dreams, expectations, and advise...


My DREAM
-everyone involved comes back 360 turn around for the better, and continues to put just as much energy into things and people @ home; personal with God

-the kids feel love more and more with each face they see

-no one wants to stop working

-no one left out

My EXPECTATION
-relationships grow

-above and possibly beyond all expectations

-to step up as a leader and friend

-make srong foundations for those kids and their families

-God will stretch me

My ADVISE
-fall IN LOVE with GOD and JESUS

-want to do what God wants, not what I want

-dertermination

-WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN

-pray for emotional strength and negativity

MEXIC07 Meeting #1

the trip starts tonight.

Journal Assignment : Phillipians 2:3-11

1-4If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

9-11Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.

the more i seek you

the more i seek you, the more i find you.
the more i find you, the more i love you.

i want to sit at your feet,
drink from the cup in your hand,
lay back against you and breath,
feel your heart beat.
this love is so deep,
it's more than i can stand,
i melt in your peace
it's overwhelming.


i can not believe God loves me as He does.

God, I am so in love with you. Thank you for always driving me to discover you and for the oppotunities you goiv me everyday to be used by you. With each trial i face I end up falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I am just wanting to live for you and be with you alone. My heart for the first time feels whole again. I am NOTHING without you. My life is yours; take it to use as an instrument in your song of grace and blessing. Let others see Jesus through me. I will try so hard father to show your love and to let people know they matter. Thank you so much for myu family Lord. You have blessed me so much. I LOVE YOU.

"...even when I take a seat on a plane,..."

"I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of just being “another somebody” to the lost around me. I have made a decision. I made up my mind and set my heart to declare, “I am going to pursue the presence of God in my life. I am going to get so close to God that when I walk into any place, people will meet Him.” They may not know that I am there, but they will definitely know that He is there. I want to be so saturated with God’s presence that when I take a seat on a plane, that everyone near me will suddenly feel uncomfortable if they’re not right with God, even though I haven’t said a word."






let that one stew in your head for a bit, be aware of the reaction your heart will have...

...i set you apart. - God

so im sitting here bawling my eyes out listening to iPod and coldplay comes on with scientist. this song has always been a song from God to me even when i was out drinking and well just not respecting myself or God.

it hits me, for some reason God loves me. i will never know why but no matter who doesnt love me, whoever doesnt want me...He does EVERY DAY, EVERY SECOND. He set me apart. i cry out asking God why cant there be a guy out there that falls in love with everything about me like always hear not JUST in movies but in real life and witness!...WHY?? I DO...thats what God is crying back to me; that He does, more than anything i could possibly covet or love with a pure heart. GOD MADE ME. HE TOOK HIS TIME ON ME. and is taking his time with me now. i have a love. its God and Jesus. they sacrificed an easy life for a hard one. the least i can do is ALWAYS try, serve, and follow with a sincere humble heart.

it's true, when i was younger no one told me how bad life could suck; how heartless people can be; how scarred people are; how deeply affected people can be from bad habits passed on from centuries ago. all i saw and heard was disney stories. of course who wants to tell a small child about "people who do bad things"...it would create a heart full of fear and judgment; later holding he or she back from great experiences because of this subconscious alert that went off in their mind to "avoid, object(s) could hurt you".

this blog wasnt anything like i had planned it to be, but thats how life is...my nerves are more calm, my spirit still feels tangled in a spider web, but not forever trapped. i just need to need to let God in, make God my priority again. just go back to start.

Troubled Heart

i'm really struggling. everything is actually going really well. God has blessed me. i don't know why..He did all He has for me since i moved here just for me to carry on the way i have been. there's a serious inner spiritual battle goin on with me and for the most part...i'm losing to self. there is no reason for it...i disappointed and hurt God...i still am. if only everyone knew what i have been thinking and how i have been acting.

it's so hard for me to focus on what was becoming like second nature to me. i know what God has planned for me is amazing and im only prolonging it. i think i have already missed out on somethings b/c of my selfishness and that scares me. i want to be used by God. i dont want to miss out on what he has in store for others.

i'm really emotional right now. i hate crying all the time...thats the crap i use to do before. i have been for like 2 weeks. i wish God had blessed me with the ability to write. not even poetry, but just to be able to express my feelings. i know..how hard is that its your thoughts just jot em down, right? i cant for some reason. when i go back and read what i have i just sit there and get more frustrated. my 4 yr old niece can express herself better then me.

i guess ill just continue cheating with other artists' work...their lyrics...their talent.
this song pretty much describes how i feel right now.


trouble, coldplay

oh no, I see,
a spider web is tangled up with me,
and i lost my head,
the thought of all the stupid things i'd said.

oh no, what's this?
a spider web, and i'm caught in the middle,
so i turn to run,
the thought of all the stupid things i've done,

and i never meant to cause you trouble,
i never meant to do you wrong,
and i, well if i ever caused you trouble,
and oh no, i never meant to do you harm.

oh no, i see,
a spider web and it's me in the middle,
so i twist and turn,
here i in my little bubble,

singing that i never meant to cause you trouble,
and, i never meant to do you wrong,
and i, well if i ever caused you trouble,
oh no, i never meant to do you harm.

they spun a web for me,
they spun a web for me,
they spun a web for me.

a warning sign

a warning sign,
i missed the good part then i realized,
i started looking and the bubble burst.
i started looking for excuses.

come on in,
i've gotta tell you what a state i'm in,
i've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
that i started looking for a warning sign.

when the truth is,
i miss you.
yeah the truth is,
that i miss you so.

a warning sign,
you came back to haunt me and i realized,
that you were an island and i passed you by,
you were an island to discover.

come on in,
i've gotta tell you what state i'm in,
i've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
that i started looking for a warning sign.

when the truth is,
i miss you.
yeah the truth is,
that i miss you so.

and i'm tired,
i should not have let you go.

so i crawl back into your open arms.
yes, i crawl back into your open arms.
and i crawl back into your open arms.
yes, i crawl back into your open arms...

s.e.l.f.i.s.h

all my post are ridiculously self-endulged.

sunday night i met two girls...it was not an accident i met these girls either. they broke my heart. i felt like i was sitting in front of me just 5 months ago...its really had a heavy affect on me this week.

i dont know how to help them. i want to tell them how badly im still fighting and slowly recovering from the very actions they are doing NOW, but its just going in one ear and out the other. i thought this was my strength...this was suppose to be simple; see girls do what i did and then tell them "YOU DONT WANT TO BE LIKE ME, LET ME HELP YOU PLEASE" then they change! its not working out that way.

instead, im not doing anything for them. i don't want to see or hear anymore stories about sex or heartbreak, relationships and see these kids stay in that. i want to just build this HUGE house where they can all live with me and know THEY MATTER and the decisions they are making now MATTER so make the right ones!!

i had people tell me that but that's all they did.i want to be more than a voice in their life. i want to be support and invested trust for them.

i have been pretty emotional and rather disoriented this past week..not sure where its coming from but its definitely clouding my vision for "the big scheme of things" right now.

i dont know how to defeat these thoughts, but thats b/c i have been trying to do it on my own...andi just realized it...

after all "...heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice."

"Make This Go On Forever"

please don't let this turn into something it's not
i can only give you everything I've got
i can't be as sorry as you think I should
but i still love you more than anyone else could

all that i keep thinking throughout this whole flight
is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
this splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

we have got through so much worse than this before
what's so different this time that you can't ignore
you say it is much more than just my last mistake
and we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

the last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

and I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness

`frayed

i'm still trying too hard for approval. i know God will get me through this obsession for approval but man this is ridiculous. i don't want to feel this way and He knows i don't.

i was on facebook, i think i should just not get on it anymore. when old friends pop up out of nowhere and leave messages or postings of things i did or use to do...i don't know how to take it.
i have this battle...initial thoughts are: GOD PLEASE DON'T LET GCC PEOPLE SEE THIS!!! i am so afraid they see things and it hurts my "status" of working towards getting their approval.
THEN i think that's not me now, but then it was frikin' fun...then it turns into i miss those days.
NO I DON'T! i don't miss feeling worthless EVERYDAY. my friends were there to hug me when i cried or lend a Kleenex to my tear...some words of encouragement or advice, but that's not what we should have been doing. i should have just gotten over it and moved on.
i STILL should just be getting over it and moving on.

but that kid still pops in my head. at least everyday...he for some reasons hates me, he acts like i'm the most annoying thing, i bet he hasn't thought of me since we last talked. why should i care? in my heart i KNOW he isn't the one for me. shoot i just know we weren't soul mates...naturally. it would have basically taken God to really intervene in both of our lives. this is NOT to be confused with WANTING to change each other for the better. which is what we did.

its been like 4 months since i left and he completely cut me out of his life. we have communicated once and it made me hate him...and miss him terribly. there are so many things about him i didn't like, but at the end of the night i went to bed thinking there is something different about him. he wasn't tommy thats for sure but it was deeper than that. he cared about me and he wanted to make me happy. OF COURSE HE DID...EVERYONE says that, right? the difference between most girls saying that and me saying that is he SHOWED me. his actions let me know he cared about me. as much as i liked him..i cant lie i loved him. not IN LOVE but the closest ill be to love for awhile...let's say care - as much as i cared about him i can't keep denying the inevitable; his heart and my heart were pointing in different directions. we were living the same lives, sharing the same life, goals, morals, desires, music interests, romantic ideas...but not God. Not enough of God to keep us together and sincerely enjoy our relationship the way it could have potentially been.

notice that entire paragraph is in past tense. i think what i miss most is just sharing the still quiet moments in life with someone who frikin CARED! ya know, just lying there and making the world stop for just a moment; by holding each other or touching my hand to let me know he is with me and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i want that back in my life, but if i keep focusing ALL my attention and energy on God, there is NO DOUBT in my mind body spirit soul!!! ahah that He will provide that for me times 10!

i'll feel those feelings but with someone who loves God and His will, THEN me. then we will share the same heart which is so much better than sharing a lifestyle not pursuing God.

WEEEEEEEELL this blog was initially suppose to be about my struggle with the past trying to tell me i don't matter, but you see i took another direction.

it was good to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head, help to again remember that God has my life. WHO BETTER TO HAVE IT THAN HIM!?!? :-D

the "others"

for the past two weeks all i have heard is LOVE others, care for others, serve others...a.k.a. MEXICO! yello!!it couldnt get any clearer. if God is trying to show me something other than mexico i hope i dont miss it because i think i know what God wants for me. truth is...i want mexico more than anything. i cant imagine a week, a full entire week of serving the Lord 24/7. my heart is beating for that kind of fulfillment! knowing that my day was spent serving God and his people. doing something other than watching tv after working at a computer all day.; to actually dive in and get my hands into the work God needs done- mexico or benton harbor.

i was just turning pages to get to the very end of my Bible and stumbled upon 1 Corinthians 1 (whole chapter). and then mark beeson has done nothing but speak of helping others, so has corey mann, and john. EVERYONE is getting a message, a word to HELP OTHERS BECAUSE THEY MATTER TO GOD

i love God and his faith in me. NO ONE, NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS WORLD BELIEVES IN ME more than Him... why shouldn't i love Him before all else?

my.life. week.one

the last two weeks i have lost sight and well more so the spark i had once i got settled here....sad how fast that happens huh?

i moved here in nov/dec and im already fading away...well as of tonight i got another jump start. it seriously blows me away how selfish i can be and how unaapriciative of God i can be. look at all He has done so far...how many nights He has been my comfort in a time of sincere brokeness yet i still have the thoughts i did last week...it always brings me back to my knees in humility but brings such a burn and desire to be better for Him. i have been playing with the idea of attending Bethel in the fall. now to an outsider looking in with no faith...its pretty much ridiculous to even consider this, given my past and current financial standing; however, my intentions to do this very thing is for the sole purpose of being closer to GOD; to really dig into His word and find a better calling as his servent! AWWWWWWK im getting all pumped up again! i wanna go take laps around the apartment complex hahah.

so the light that startedme back up again...right!! tonight at church was the launch of our new series aka the MY LIFE series. tis the first week of five and im already on fire and ready to dive into soooooo much. it didnt confirm a "set-in-stone" answer to my bethel thought, BUT it hasnt shut any doors that would cease the journey in exploring that possiblity.

MAN ! I AM SOO THANKFUL for MARK BEESON and his wife. their vision and integrity!! man o man...and i get to be apart of it. i wanna be apart of it. i want to put all my energy into MC3 and kids who really need to know " HEY YOU MATTER...NOT JUST TO ME BUT GOD!" can you imagine hearing that for the first time? how much impact that could have on a young childs heart?...how much God could use them once they know the REAL DEAL with GOD?!?!?! and how AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL His unconditonal love is???...

yeah while you are in awe of that possibility...i have more thoughts!

i cant wait to see what the next few years have in store for GOD and myself!!! and WHOEVER ELSE HE WANTS IN IT! im sooo thankful HE reignited (i do believe thats a word but its sooo late OH WELL I DONT CARE) my spark ...ITS NOT EVEN A SPARK its like a HUUUUGE BONFIRE you can see from miles away at least i hope so! thats what i want to happen. i want to be a GINORMOUS LIGHT that shines soo bright people see it right away but dont SEE ME they see GOD'S LOVE!!! MAN i have never expressed these feelings before...it's sooo flippin' exciting!!! I LOVE GOD AND HIS LOVELY SON!!!

GOD, thank you so much for much your never ending love and your amazing grace that i experience everyday! you are becoming the love of life and i pray you continue to give me that strength and desire to pursue you and YOUR will not mine! you are so wonderful. thank you for wht you are doing in Debbies life thank you for being with her; for loving her NO MATTER WHAT! you are all powerful andd i am NOTHING with out you! I LOVE YOU and YOUR SON. YOU have both LOVED ME THOUGH I HAVE HURT YOU!!!! AND IT JUST BLOWS ME AWAY!!! I KNOW YOUR LOVE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!

I LOVE YOU OH SO MUCH !!!!

Writing Assignment...based off a picture

BAGGAGE


“I figured about 18 hours round trip. We’ll be back in time for the track meet tomorrow morning. No one will ever know.”
His voice was like a checkmark on a “to do” list. Did he really think it was that simple? I numbly watched the rain across the street, thinking how all those oily puddles, the soggy cigarette butts floating into the gutters-it all began with just one drop. My mind went in reverse.

“Don’t I look pretty, daddy?” I asked twirling in my new yellow Easter dress, the ribbons tickling my wrists. Mom’s wet hands ushered me from the room. She smelled like lemons.
“Daddy’s busy, honey.” She took a step back, dishtowel to her hip, and gasped. ”You look beautiful, sweetie! Pigtails?” She scooped me up to the stool in front of the bathroom mirror. I could hear dad pick up his keys …

No, too far back. I thought.
“That’s ours. Let’s go.” I flinched. “Sarah!”
I jumped like a bee sting. “Coming, sorry.”
I watched him walk ahead of me. Months of walking behind him to the next class, the next game, the next party. I grinded my teeth. He should have worn a belt.
Why should his walk be any different today? I thought. But there was a time when he walked beside me . . .

“Hey, beautiful.” It was my second day of school, and I looked around to see who he was talking to. He sniffed. One corner of his mouth lifted. My stomach devoured itself. “You new here?”
I coughed to catch my breath. Two days was enough time to hear about Josh Bracken-basketball and track star, all-state running back, and legend of the social scene.
“Uh, yeah, I just moved here from . . .” I tucked my hair behind my ears and swallowed the rising iceball.
“Yeah, I know. Walk you to class?” His arm slung over my shoulder like a sandbag. I had to alter my stride to match his, but it felt like we were flying.

“Hey! Where are you today?” He commanded my attention. I didn’t even remember getting on the bus and sitting down. I watched the rain on the window zig zag down like a pinball machine.
“I just remembered I forgot to do my Spanish homework.” I lied.
“Just copy off somebody in homeroom. No one will ever know.” It was the second time he’d said it, and it sounded even more ridiculous than the first. He rubbed his pant leg with the heel of his hand. The scabs on his knuckles were starting to peel, and my mind flashed back to that night--the look in his eyes right before I ducked, the look right after. . .
He caught me staring at him. “Look, I know you’re nervous. It’s going to be okay.”
“I know.” Another lie.
“At least this will all be behind us. No one will ever know.”
I knew if he said it one more time, I would snap. I tried to change the subject. “How’s the knee? Ready for tomorrow?”

Since he was his own favorite topic, I knew I’d bought some time to myself. I switched to autopilot and went inside my head again.
How did I get here? When did I resign myself to this balloon existence-- just floating from place to place or person to person? How did the little girl and her dancing ribbons turn into a seventeen year old liar who could hide a steak from a bloodhound?
I opened my purse and pretended to check my cell phone, but I glanced at the ultrasound picture underneath it.
I want my mom. I thought. It’s amazing how a few secrets stacked up can make such a thick wall between two people. I missed the pigtail days.

“This is it. Get your stuff.” He snapped his fingers. His bag was half the size of mine. I stumbled off the bus trying to balance my purse, backpack, jacket, and bag. This was the same guy who six weeks ago wouldn’t let me carry my notebook to Chemistry.
“Sarah! C’mon!” I caught up to him near the elevators. He smiled, another checkmark on his list. The doors opened. He stepped into the elevator; I followed.
I heard a ding! and my mother’s voice as the doors started to close. As the doors narrowed and his smile widened, it felt like someone was strangling me. I jumped back on to the tile with a squeak.
I heard him yelling and fists pounding as the elevator ascended.
The baggage felt lighter as I ran out of the building to a café across the street. I took out my cell phone.
“Mom? It’s Sarah.”

the what...

I should have posted this two days ago but imagine that...i got too busy. something else i have seriously got to work on- my time management.
well this week has been hard for me. i dont know why and i still cant quite put my finger on it. i basically feel like i have been lying to myself the whole time i have been here. i felt like i was making improvements and that i have been growing with the baby steps ive been taking but then i realized that i havent really changed much. i still have this unhealthy desire for a relationship with a guy, beginning to die down at work (my killer 2 month dedication issue), stuck on him...not saving ANY MONEY wasting it on clothes! and i still havent read the Bible like i said i would. i don't know how to fix any of these problems. i know what i can do the problem is doing them all. i sound like such a baby, i know.
ive been crying at night when i drive home to work - it's beautiful, the snow glistening at night on the trees and on the ground - being completely honest and me before God and His very creation saying that very same thing..."I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!! WHAT DO I DO??"
my family is is currently going through some different situations right now BUT if you step back and think about it...we aren't that bad off. things could be so much terribly worse. i dont know how to help my family look at it that way though. my brothers are buried in a cave, we (family) have all the equipment to get them out but they just don't want to move. they think 1.look at all the hassle im putting on my family just for me, i dont need them to worry about me i'll get out eventually. really though, their eventually is never. they wont just trust God. the younger of the two has saved me. he has taken me in and helped me restore my love for God, given some of the greatest edvice i have ever heard, yet he does nothing with it for his life. i want to just shake him. he wont listen to any of us. the other one hasnt given God a second thought in years. i am more worrried for him than anyone. then my nephews...those poor little guys; mom is in jail, we have no idea when she is getting out and my mother (their gma) is taking care of them. She is 60 looking after her mom (86) who has enough health issues to depress anyone. OH and how do i not dwell on my own selfish thoughts of my family and all that jazz when i know the world is hurting with the same problems if not worse?!?!? i dont know how to fix me and other people.
what do i want then?
to be in love with God. to be in this open conversational relationship. to see God as more than a huuuuge grace and wish maker. i want to read His word.learn more about Him and His will for others and ME for Him. I want to talk with Him about my day, to tell Him the good NOT just the bad. what kind of a person wants to only be recognized when something negative is going on...its wrong. its undeserving.
im feeling very moved to read the message remix and see what God reveals to me. i'll leave on this note (or song i should say).

Your Love Will Never Change, Dave Barnes

They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?
They tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty freedom
And taken on their stains

Your love will never change
Your love will never change

They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light
And you know they tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name

Your love will never change
Your love will never change

So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
And you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
And that you’ll take my blame

Your love will never change
Your love will never change

dave barnes

most people haven't heard of this character dave barnes and that's unfortunate; however, i have and i'm going to share my wonderful discovery on this!

i love music. yes e v e r y o n e says this in their about me, interest, favorite music, etc and how life would be purposeless without it..or the infamous "MY LIFE IS MUSIC" (yup- that line is in my myspace and facebook profile) but what does that mean?...seriously! i don't know where i'm going with this thought but i guess my next "ponder" is how many of those people REALLY do love music that much...AND the one that question i really want to know is are they musically inclined somehow? do they sing, guitar, drums, piano?? i mean how did music become such a passion for everyone else...hidden talent i tell ya its everywhere.

anyway im listening to dave barnes right? well here are my feelings, the thoughts that consume so much of my energy that's mostly really unnecessary...another thing i'm working on! anyway these lyrics perfectly express my pre- mishawaka move and the day of...

until you(first verse)
let's just take our time

there's nothing else to do
what better way to spend the night
than wasted here with you
the moon has won the war
the daylight waits to win
stay here by my side
this will start again
-dave barnes

the L.A. song
she drives down on sunset with the windows down
just so she can let it in
she knows he's far-gone now, but there still are pieces
pieces there still left of him

he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him

there is a picture sitting by her bed
her reflection in his face
she has been meaning, meaning to move it
but it's always been his place

he uses love like a bullet from a gun
she's careful like a surgeon
everywhere he goes they all know to run
but she can't help but love him
love him

city of angels, everyone is sleeping
4 am and she's awake
she is moving, moving that picture
someone else will fill that space

someone else will fill that space
- dave barnes

something beautiful to say
i wish i had something beautiful to say,
but somehow silence takes that place.
so it's done with you pressed up against my chest,
i stay here, you head west.

goodbye is like moving a mountain,
bust to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...

right where you belong.

this city always seemed to break your heart,
you fought fierce but your friends always fell apart.
dusk falls and you're halfway there by now,
and all that's left is your lipstick on my brow.

goodbye is like moving a mountain,
just to see what's on the other side.
but there i know you'll find...

right where you belong.
-dave barnes

somehow saving you
texas at twilight,
you here on my mind.leaving gets harder,
with the more i leave behind.
i know that i can't have you,
so i'll convince myself.

this is the hardest thing i've ever done.
somehow saving you by moving on.

memphis at midnight,
hese nighlights fascinate.
but cities and their skylines,
can't keep you away.
i know i don't need you,
so i'll just tell myself.

this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
somehow saving you by moving on.

someone tell me i'll move on from this,
and I'll move on.
and every bit of you that's still in me will all be gone.

-dave barnes


okay so after listening to more of dave :-p i decided to blog certain songs separately...these will do just fine in this entry...

this post was out of pure selfishness, i justified posting it by telling myself i i don't desire that part in my life anymore...well at least in my heart i know it's not for me...i don't need to play guessing games, or put myself in position to fail... right now dating would be one of those. it's still hard, but i have realized lot of the time relationships tend to confuse comfort with being in love. at least i did.

Beautifully Broken

Psalm 51

1-3Generous in love—God, give grace!
Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.

4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.

16-17 Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Reflections in the Saturn

I was driving to work the other morning and it came over me that I will work at my faith everyday. I felt comfort in that. I will always have something to work on for God.

Tonight at Lifeline, a lot of things Corey said really related to me. He talked about relationships in general, how much all of us want to be loved, accepted, cared for, and how much we desire someone to be our support our rock. Creating friendships are getting a little better, but I can't get past my "guy issue".
I've given this problem to God so many times; completely broken in front of Him, no show just me and Him. I am constantly struggling with my past. Not anger or bitterness anymore, but I am still recovering... I can see it in my actions day to day.
The question I deal with more often than any other is "God, why can't I just be with the man I am going to marry? Why can't you send any guy after You my way so we can be together serving You?" I know in my heart God doesn't want to see me be hurt or suffer anymore heartache. He and I both know also that I can't afford to give all of me to another guy when the ONLY person I NEED to give all of me to is God. Once I do that I know He will open doors and give my heart peace, but the challenge for me is not understanding why it seems I can't just experience Him with the right guy.
There are so many things I want to be for God and with each day I see baby steps that I have been taking, but when I have thoughts like this...it makes me wonder if it's all for nothing. If I take these steps toward God, yet my heart still desires to have that relationship with a guy, how am I ever going to be strong or be in love with God so much I won't focus on the acceptance of anyone but God?
I want so deeply to be at one with God that when my husband finally does come along he sees I CAN be his support and I will take second to God. I want my husband to know when he look s at me that I am a woman of God, I love him, and I will be by his side through it all. More than anything however, I want God to be pleased in everything I do.
I always come back to this thought...God has seen the pain and bruises I have had physically and mentally from past relationships. He has also seen how much of my heart I give away and it has to hurt Him to see me desire a relationship with another guy almost more than I do with Him. I seek for male approval more than I seek God's will some days. I've cried out to God countless times begging Him to take the pain away to get me out of the situations I had put myself in, and now that He has helped deliver me from those moments in my life...
He is the ONLY one who truly knows the condition of my heart and how much suffering it went through, so some times I feel like He knows the next guy that takes interest in me needs to be the one... I have never been good at the dating game and I just want to be with my husband and start life with him in God. He knows this. I need to take this time to prepare myself for my husband when I do meet him.
I will remember that God works in mysterious ways. Just because I say I need to be single right now and block guys doesn't mean it's Gods will, it simply means I'm trying to figure things out on my own which is not what GOd wants us to do. He wants us to rely on Him.

God help me find You this week. I know if I continue to seek You, not an answer, Your will will be done for me. Thank you so much for all you have done in these past 3 months. I have found so much through You already. I can't believe what you have shown me and blessed me with in such short time. I can't wait to learn more and go through this journey of life finding you and falling in love with you. Be with me as I face these trials of selfish wants and desires Lord. For Your will be done not mine.